I cannot tell you how sorry I am. It’s pointless, but what can I honestly say? I fucked up, royally. What I did was unforgivable, no matter what anyone says, and there is nothing I can do to change it at all. All I have left are the memories from before I found myself here.

It was the weekend of San Diego FurCon, or SDFC, one of the biggest furry conventions on the West Coast. Because of my online popularity, these were my favorite places to be when I wasn’t busy taking classes or browsing social media for my many followers’ praise. I’d arrived the day before and settled in my hotel room near the top floor, but not before trying on Blazer Eyes and collapsing on the bed.

Waking up in my full-body fursuit in a hotel room hadn’t been anything new to me though. After years of this hobby, it became second-nature to me, even when I didn’t have a meet-up or convention.

            However, I needed to get up. Craning the kinks out of my neck, my tired eyes wouldn’t shake away the optimism I had for today. I then glanced over the bed and found my fursona’s head on the counter its black ears pointing through the mop of red headfur. After grabbing it, I turned to the hotel room’s mirror opposite of the lit bathroom.

Blazer Eyes, my alternate persona in the fandom for the past several years. Cool and mysteriously brooding with a twinge of mischievous personality, he was a mixed wolfdog with a long tail and black-and-white fur sleekly patterned along its firm body. He had velvet bangs of red hair and a green eye along with its blue one shining in the dark. Looking at the costume in my reflection, I couldn’t help but feel the pride swelling in my chest the more I turned and made adorable gestures in the expensive fursuit.

Let me tell you, when the convention-goers saw me walk in at my first convention years ago, it felt like a spotlight shone on me. My followers exploded, and I remember feeling like a completely different person, like I became a semi-celebrity for simply how realistic my fursuit looked. I grew confident in myself less as Marcus Garvit, and more as the suave and amazing Blazer Eyes, posing for photos, high-fiving attendees who’d only seen me in this costume, and showcasing him in all his candid glory at the ceremonial parades.

As I rode down the elevator to the third floor, pulling my phone from my Livid-brand chest bag, I checked my social media pages for how many followers I’d gained since last night. Since last week I had steadily balanced around five-hundred-and-fifty or so of them, and I hoped to get more results today. After all, pictures of a cool wolfdog fursuit often gained likes, which meant shares, more exposure and eventually followers.

“Alright then, Blazer Eyes” I grinned as the doors opened, “let’s do this.”

Presenting my con badge to the receptionist minutes later, I rushed into the main area, where vendors and countless furries like I congregated. The initial relief and excitement for attending SDFC for another time came to me in waves; the costumes, the people, the dealer’s dens and the seminars, it was always too much to choose from each time you went. Remember the old saying, “So much to do, so little time”? Well, that was the case at any and every convention I went to.

Then slowly, hours later, my excitement started to dampen. The social interaction and recognition I expected to find towards my costume didn’t come in droves. Few people took pictures of me, and not many of them got enough of the likes I wanted. Some of them didn’t even tag me in their photos like it’s often required.

Aside from the lack of air conditioning and how much sweat accumulated underneath my fursuit, I was becoming more and more pissed that nobody was liking or following me. Instead, I lay against the wall hot and bothered, wanting to have someone at least acknowledge me. I scrolled down and down, waiting and anticipating for at least one new follower.

            Underneath Blazer Eyes’ head, moisture stuck between my eyelids and my lips, as well as lumps of my hair clung to the sides of my face and neck. If I didn’t reek by then, you could’ve sworn I’d already bathed or something. That was the price for some cosplayers, especially at conventions.

Around me, more and more furries arrived through the doors leading into the main convention. Some of the fursuits people wore with pride, they were very well-crafted, but gathering near the entrance hallway, one stood out to my left. Dressed like a fennec in a blue skirt, I had to do a double-take at how awful her costume looked compared to everyone else’s. Especially mine.

Her head was clunky and misshapen, the ears glued together, and eyes drawn over in what looked like spray paint. The tail looked absolutely patched over in chunks while the navy costume seemed too small over her flabby, blanket-like suit presented more like a onesie.

I recognized her, or at least her fursona. She was @AllWald, one of my followers and avid fans. She always commented and religiously shared my content, telling me how cool I looked in all my photos. Seeing her in public though, I wasn’t ready when she waved a haphazardly-made paw in my direction.

“Oh my God, you’re Blazer Eyes!” she chirped while making cutesy mannerisms.

Standing up to my feet, I felt glad she couldn’t see my disgust towards her outfit. I could’ve ignored her, but instead outstretched my own paw.

“Thank you,” I replied. “I’m glad you recognize me. I hope you’re having fun?”

“You bet!” the fennec laughed while ‘wagging’ her ‘tail’ behind her. “Listen, I’m so, so, sorry but I have to go to a seminar soon, but mind if I take a picture of you?”

I smiled and eagerly nodded. “Of course!”

After a couple series of poses, from brooding mystery to cutesy fun, @AllWald and I shook paws before she started to leave. A sudden thought crossed my mind, and I asked, “Hey! Mind if I take a picture of you too?”

She happily gasped and squeaked. “Oh yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you so much, I worked hard on this!”

Sure she did, I mused, it must’ve taken you, what? Five days to make that dreck?

After making a few poses for my phone, I nodded and thanked her before the fennec walked away. Without waiting, I glanced back down to my picture of her and began writing a new post.

“#SDFC Wow, isn’t this a great day? Ran into @AllWald & talked! :D”

I almost posted it, but instead stopped myself. A few seconds later I deleted the entire thing and started writing a new one.

“Just met @AllWald at #SDFC, and lemme say…”

Again, I deleted it.

What was going on? Why didn’t I have the courage to just post it and let it be?

Groaning and panting from impatience, I then decided to try something.

“#SDFC Wow, look at that #fursuit. @AllWald seriously looks like a little girl going out trick-or-treating! XD” followed by an additional link to her public page.

            To this day, I cannot think what came over me. Whether it was the adrenaline of wanting to make another attempt for attention in the vast world wide web, or knowing she might become a viral bandwagon anyway, I pressed ‘send’.

Returning to my room after attending the fursuit parade that evening, however, my phone vibrated by the influx of notifications. Disappointment turned into intrigue, then it became surprise and excitement at how many shares/likes/follows I was suddenly getting. In that moment came a growing sense of pride that swelled in my chest, something I hadn’t felt in a while.

Then I read the comments below the picture.

“He’s right; she’s a total fake fur! *laughs*”

“@AllWald @Blazer_Eyes Now that is one shameless #fursuiter! Seriously, I’ve seen Halloween costumes w/ more creativity! >.<”

“*looks at picture* Welp, there goes my hope for professional fursuiters.”

“My God, now I’ve seen the worst fursuit in history! Thank you @Blazer_Eyes!”

“I know,” I replied back to one comment. “TBH, I’d kill myself just for wearing that to a public event. Why not bother leaving this to the real furries, am I right?”

***

The next morning, I woke up once more in my fursuit, this time even more disoriented and having a sore throat. Flashes of the day before rushed through my brain. I remembered arriving to SDFC, and eagerly sat up on the bed.

I found my phone neatly placed on the desk opposite the bed and tried to remember when I put it there. Shrugging inanely, I scrolled through the various notifications, some of which came all the way from yesterday.

“Not everyone is like you @Blazer_Eyes. I hope you rot in Hell! #BlazerEyes”

“What @Blazer_Eyes did is wrong. Think of that poor girl. #RT”

“@Blazer_Eyes is a narcissistic fucktard who thinks this kind of behavior is OK. Fuck you! #BlazerEyes #RT”

I rolled my eyes at the cellphone each minute a post came up. They were being so over-dramatic, I thought back then. After all, all I did was give my two cents to my fans. Besides, a fursuiter like me could always find the fan who didn’t care about any of this ‘controversy’.

And speaking of which, I could still find a few loyal followers defending me and the picture. Then I saw the time, and realized the convention restarted three hours ago.

“Well, shit…” I groaned, “better get going.”

A warm shower washed away all the sweat from last night, followed by the warm feeling of seeing the convention again. I couldn’t recall much of the night before, aside from the one incident that resulted in everyone going batshit, but it didn’t shake away my optimism.

Several minutes later, I felt refreshed and ready before going out into the empty hallway. Unfortunately, the fuzzy feeling disintegrated when I glanced back to my phone, and once again, there were more mean posts.

Beside the elevator stood a young man wearing some kind of old bellboy costume, making me raise an eyebrow under the fursuit. His skin was pale all over underneath the bright red uniform and collar. Heavy bags hung from his eyelids, but it didn’t exceed away the smooth skin of his otherwise cadaver-like face. At first glance you’d swear he looked like he’d walked off the set of a horror movie.

“Hello,” I greeted him happily.

His nametag simply read ‘Bub’, making me wonder what kind of parent named their kid this. Or was it simply a nickname or something?

            Pulling my paws off, I hesitated before walking towards him and followed ‘Bub’ as I watched my followers reach into four digits. Thank God for a stylish chest bag to hold your items, otherwise you’d be forced to take off your costume to grab it from your pants pocket.

            “Mind stopping by the third floor first? I’m going back to the convention.”

            He glanced to me and pressed a button. “I would’ve guessed given your attire.”

            Seconds later, the elevator doors creaked open, allowing us to walk in as he pushed the cart between us. No doubt the bellboy to my left had never even heard of my name before, let alone knew what the heck our fandom is. You tended to meet many people like that at the locations of different conventions, those who never understood your hobby.

As I stood awkwardly waiting for the doors to open, “Hotel California” melodically played in the background of the elevator, but my main focus remained on my phone.

“Boy, this is taking longer than I thought…” I mumbled before turning to the distant bellboy. “What floor were we on before?”

Once again, he glanced back to me with tired eyes, like Bub had done this job too many times to count this day. I couldn’t blame him, given the number of people going to this convention every single year. Then again, what really unsettled me were his eyes, and how dark they seemed despite how lit the moving box was inside.

“It doesn’t matter anyway,” he replied. “You’re about to arrive to your destination.”

I blinked through Blazer Eyes’ head, turning back to the doors when I suddenly felt a rush of warm, humid air seep through my suit. I mean, like in the triple digits.

“Phew, is the air conditioning broken or something?” I gasped under my fursuit. “Why is it so hot in here all of a sudden?”

“It’s always been like that, sir.” Bub inanely mentioned in a low, inaudible voice.

Close to a minute later, I wondered more about how tall the hotel was. If memory served correctly, it couldn’t be more than ten or twelve stories high, and the descent felt like a floor every three seconds.

“Don’t worry,” he murmured, like he could read my mind. “We’re almost there. Soon you will no longer need to worry about your convention. No longer.”

Before I could ask, I paused at a notification catching my eye. As this happened, I didn’t notice the elevator come to a halt, nor see the displeased look on the bellboy’s face. Instead, my feet stayed glued to the slowing floor.

“Sad to hear about @AllWald. I wish her a speedy recovery! #preventsuicide”

Then I saw another below it, which caused all the warm color in my face drain away.

“It’s sad he died, but that doesn’t excuse @Blazer_Eyes’s behavior.”

I could literally feel my muscles contract, my finger stiffen like wood and blood freeze.

“#RIPBlazerEyes It’s tragic about his death, and I’m sorry for his family.”

“It’s heartbreaking to hear about @Blazer_Eyes’s sudden death, despite the horrible shit he did. #RIPBlazerEyes. Rest in peace you bastard.”

What. The. Fuck?

“#RIPBlazerEyes Pity @Blazer_Eyes died before he could pay for his crimes.”

“I never followed him, but it’s sad @Blazer_Eyes passed away at #SDFC.”

“Is it true @Blazer_Eyes died in his fursuit?!?!”

“It is terrible what @Blazer_Eyes did to @AllWald. I don’t know whether to be happy or sad that he passed away. Either way. #RIPBlazerEyes.”

Next to me, the same bellboy absentmindedly pressed a button. “They are absolutely right. It is pitiful. Had you arrived a few more minutes earlier, you would have been mine.”

“Okay, what is…going…o-on…?” My heart leapt into my esophagus.

            Opening and closing my mouth, I could feel my tongue become curled in a maw of more sharpened teeth. My eyes glared down to the black nose that seemed longer in my peripheral vision, and I could feel sensations of sweltering heat on my arms and legs. A tail curled along my legs, twitching and patting at my inner thighs. Standing there in disbelief, I slowly reached behind me to pull at my back. I desperately searched for a zipper with my shaking fingers, but nothing could be found except for warm fur and skin.

“Holy shit!” I screamed in absolute horror.

“Quiet!” the bellboy roared.

I felt the elevator go into a sudden drop, and fear hit me as the background song echoed in corrupted tune. When my hands—or paws—touched the wall, I shrieked at feeling them blister and scald. Looking between the burning wallpaper and the view as we descended downward, my eyes fell on the bellboy. He wasn’t affected by this.

A low growl escaped from my terrified lips. “What the fuck did you do to me?!”

The bellboy’s expression of indifference didn’t falter, but a small grin curved at the corner of his lips. In the matter of a few seconds, the lights rapidly flickered on and off to reveal a dark, twisted figure in his place. His appearance then resumed with the florescent lights.

“But sir, I thought you wanted to be like this?” he mocked me over the ambience around us. “After all, you boasted about the perfection of your second skin so much, why not make it a part of you? So indecisive, your kind…”

“N-No,” I whimpered, cradling my paws to my furry chest while I could feel my tail curl against my shaking ankles. Even my feet now looked bodily digitigrade, still fueling my paranoia. “What’s h-happening to me? A-Am I dreaming?! I gotta be! I have to be!”

“Rest assured you’re not dreaming,” Bub told me matter-of-factly. “While this has been a waste of my time, I need to ask: Does the name Allison Waldon ring any bells?”

At first, I hadn’t heard him. I dug my nails, or claws, whatever, into the sides of my head and panted back for oxygen, further terrified if we’d soon hit the ground at terminal velocity.

“How the hell should I know?!”

He fought back a visible laugh, making my muscles cringe in fear.

“Since I know your kind are hard at remembering things, why not I indulge you?” he spoke as the small smirk warped into a teeth-filled grin. “Seventeen years old, a remarkable student, and a former fan of yours. Her passion in life was becoming a…‘fursuiter’, as you say. Until she saw the real you underneath your pristine façade. After she realized the role model she admired had deceived her and thrown her to the wolves, she could not take it anymore. She tried hanging herself in the hotel bathroom by the time her parents found her.”

In a moment of clarity, I stopped panicking and started to remember. The crappy fursuiter from before, I remembered seeing her yesterday. Or was it today? The convention continued for me like expected, all while she became a fiery meme on social media. She’d disappeared from the convention all-together, before I eventually retired to my hotel room on the top floor. 

Bits and pieces of memory collected together. My social media pages exploded with posts from my fans being furious over my words to her, but I didn’t care. It had been such an exhausting day for me that I didn’t bother taking off my fursona as I went into bed. I remember my throat feeling sore and the weight of my costume pulling me to the sheets. A part of my brain screamed for me to pull my head off, yet my hands wouldn’t obey my mental commands.

Then darkness.

Fursuiting 101: Never fall asleep in your costume without being hydrated.

“Do you remember hearing ambulance noises before you ‘fell asleep’ inside of your getup, sir?” the bellboy mentioned during my remembrance. “Before you fell asleep?”

I slowly shook my muzzle in disbelief. “I don’t understand…”

He sighed. “After the harassment, she could not take it anymore. She tried denying herself the wonderful gift of life, and almost succeeded. Because of your actions, sir.”

Standing in silence, it suddenly hit me like an incoming bullet train.

The entire elevator changed in the several blinks of an eye. The claustrophobic walls turned incorporeal and the high ceiling extended further into an invisible sky. Miles below lay a massive, circular mountain. Running around atop each layer were thousands upon millions of people, burnt or maimed or gutted or screeching like a distorted chorus. It wasn’t pandemonium, but desperate mayhem on this chaotic summit.

My heart leapt when the solemn bellboy cackled beside me.

“Welcome to Mount Purgatorio, Mr. Garvit!” he snarled into my ear, “or should I call you ‘Blazer Eyes’ from now on?” I suddenly felt a sharp claw yank my tail hard, and I winced while feeling the pain. “Quite unfortunate for me. Had she succeeded in her attempt, I could have dragged your pitiful soul down to the furthest depths of my domain right now, and I almost had.”

Blinking and struggling to breathe, I felt a menacing chill rake up my spine.

Then I realized, The bellboy’s named ‘Bub’, as in…as in…

“Correct, Mr. Garvit,” the deep voice hissed into my ear, and I felt the fur on my pseudo-body stiffen. “It’s so shameful, really. The pride you’ve displayed against your common kind is not unusual. You claim to be more advanced than the ‘drecks’, but you have humiliated your brethren, disregarded their feelings, lusted for attention, betrayed their ambitions, and all for the numbers on a small screen. Nowadays, it’s always numbers on a screen.”

My eyes fell to the phone still glued to my shaking paw, to the number of continuous followers and comments on my social media pages. I tried letting go, willing my fingers to drop it, but each attempt became desperate vain. When I used my free, burnt right paw to pull it away, it only added to the pain striping through my arm.

“I simply thought you would want to keep that as a memento.”

“…”

I couldn’t say anything, but instead stared blankly at the incoming ground in terror. When I gulped down a hunk of vomit in my throat, something grabbed my arm. I screamed at the white agony as it burned my fur and flesh.

“Don’t worry though,” the low, demonic voice spoke, “your followers may join you in this circle, in time of course. Whether or not you remain here until then is up to you.”

“F-Fuck, this can’t be happening!” I sobbed as I felt hot air rushed into my soaked nose and into my eyes. “P-Please, don’t do this to me! I-I didn’t mean to do it! I didn’t know—”

The being whirled me around and made me stare into his dark, crimson eyes. Whatever denial I held in my heart melted into blanked, white agony of fear. My wrists still burned while the numbers on my phone didn’t cease.

“Remember that it is your sins that He wishes to have purged!” it bellowed and pushed me to the edge of the floor, “Until then, enjoy your newfound popularity!”

I plummeted. The scorching winds echoed with my breathless screaming. My legs flailed for unseen foothold while my arms desperately reached for the elevator escaping my reach. In the corners of my tear-stained, bloodshot vision, I could see the green-and-black terraces of the massive mountain streak by in an endless blur. I tried reaching for them as well, begging anyone to catch me, but they were out of my grasp as I fell to the lowest base of the infinite hilltop.