Some said that love was the best thing in the world. It felt like he or she was the world, and you would give anything for him or her, even your life. Some said it was like being in the heavens where nothing bad would happen.

But to Tom, it was the worst thing that exists. It was eating himself alive, no, it was killing him. He survived fights, being shot and stabbed, being left alone in the middle of an alleyway, yet nothing could compare to the feeling of loving someone who didn't love you back.

Imagine, he chuckled emotionlessly, he was now entitled to joke that if someone wanted to feel dead without dying, they could just love someone who didn't love them back.

Right now, he probably loved Max.

He probably loved the dog because after Max stopped all communications with him, he felt like he was lost, as if something important in his life was gone. The dog even blocked him from WhatsUp. While his name still appeared in the groups, he never replied to any of his messages. He no longer answered his calls. He no longer asked for his study guides or help doing homework. Heck, he no longer greeted him when they ran into each other, which now happened rarer and rarer. He dared be the first one to greet him, but the dog didn't answer or when he did, it was with a curt nod and a few words of greeting.

Tom knew that if he reacted and confronted Max when he was with someone, it would give something away. He tried to meet him in some of the classes, but he always came late and left early. He tried to meet Max in his dorm, but his roommate said Max rarely stayed there anymore. He asked Andy and the football guys where was Max but they didn't know.

Where the fuck is Max? And why do I have a crush on a bloody homophobe?

Maybe what Max said was just putting it mildly, he was a homophobe after all. Of course he would be, not even fate cared about me.

But Kevin went back to his mind. He seemed to be okay. He said he and Max still hung out like usual, though less often. Tom even went all the way and asked Kevin what kind of touches he did to Max. Kevin just shrugged and said some of them were kind of offensive while the rest were just casual touches.

The red wolf asked him what was this about, but Tom just thanked him and left his dorm.

Just… just… what is this? What the fuck is this? He took the possibility of Max ignoring him completely but this was nothing like he imagined. He imagined Max would ignore him if he did something awful like groping him in his sleep or outright asked for a fuck. That was just a simple kiss!

That was just a simple kiss, right?

Ha, nothing's gonna change between us, my arse! When he finally confronted Max, he was going to punch that sentence right to his face.

Tom gave up. He gave up. He couldn't continue this. He was the one who started this by initiating that kiss, and now he admitted his defeat.

Some said that love was about sacrifices. Some said you had to let the love go, and if it came back, then it was yours. Some said sacrifices were needed to get what you want.

They were just college buddies, for fuck's sake! What could they possibly sacrifice? Their classes? Tom's national conference ticket? Max's football career? Their entire fucking college life?!

Yet the thought had crossed his mind. If Max wanted him not to attend the national conference, then he would not attend.

Would Max do the same with his next match if he had any?

He pulled the hood of his jacket over his head and sat back down on the bench. The mall was crowded, but his usual spot was empty. He liked this spot; the view of the city it offered was always one to calm his mind.  Letting out a deep sigh, the wolf looked at the city in front of him. The city was glittering with lights. There was only a small semblance of a cloud in the sky, making the moon visible in its crescent glory. He felt like howling, but howling in public places was not allowed.

He gave up.

Love was illogical. He was a logical person. Maybe he was meant not to love, after all. Maybe he was meant to remain alone throughout his life. Compared to the world, his love did not matter. He would forget about it later and maybe he would find another.

He gave up his love for the shepherd. It was no more. He pushed it aside. Lain asked him about it, asking if he really wanted to do this, but he was determined. It was fine if he couldn't have Max as his lover, but he wasn't going to lose him as his friend.

Yes, his love was no more. It might still be there, but he would ignore it until it eventually dissipated back into the depths of his heart. It was hard and time-consuming, but he was so good at ignoring and discarding his feelings until he prided himself of it.

Maybe this was one of the perks of having lived in the streets, doing everything he could just to see tomorrow's sun and ignoring everything but surviving, he bitterly thought. There was almost no room for love nor hate.  Emotions were his playthings; he mastered his emotions long ago until he could change his mood in an instant.

He had so much experience in suppressing them. Well, watching his first stepparents who taught him compassion killed before his eyes surely had done something to him. He had learnt everything the hard way. Incompetency was not an excuse. It was either adapt or die. Now, he had to adapt again by pushing aside his non-sensical love.

So that now he put his love aside and dismissed it, it was no longer love, wasn't it? It was just an irrational attraction. He no longer loved the shepherd. He was close to saying he hated the shepherd, but he couldn't hate someone… he couldn't. If he hated someone, he would ignore their existence, as if they were not to begin with.

He laughed in irony, Max probably hated him now, didn't he?

He hated the world. And he hated himself for being helpless in its cruel grab.

Now, he might have ignored his attraction, but the dog was still not here. This time, he was going to find and confront him as a best friend. Best friends did not just abandon each other, no matter how grave the problem was.

And he was going to keep it that way. He was going to stand up to Max, ask him what was wrong, and do his part to fix their relationship.

He took his phone and called someone. Right now, he could only trust this someone about this issue, and Max probably wouldn't appreciate it if this issue were to be shared to his friends. But Tom was going to do that if the dog still refused to bulge.

Max deserved someone better flashed in his mind, and he couldn't agree more.

“Octo, are you at your dorm?"

He felt like an arsehole.

Max grumbled and sat on the edge of the bed, still naked from his previous session. His head was spinning and he gripped it, trying to ease the ache. He put some pants on and stood up.

The last session had been great; every session with Priscila had been great. It was satisfying; she was hot, and every time they fucked, he felt like there was nothing to worry about.

But he knew that he wasn't doing this because he liked her, no. He did this because he wanted to blow some steam. She might be his girlfriend, but he only made him his girlfriend in order to fuck her. It wasn't his favourite thing to do, but he needed some release.

He turned around to look at the Golden Retriever's sleeping face. She was really beautiful, she had big breasts and a lithe frame. Her hand was small, easily overpowered by him when he loomed over her. She was everything he could ask from a woman.

Yet, that feeling was back. He felt like an arsehole. He was using her only for fucks to cope with his problem. Who knew what she thought of him, though, considering the way he sometimes acted around him, maybe her liking faltered a little.

She was not a part of this. She was innocent.

Max took a glance over his buzzing phone on the nightstand. There was a call from John. He was tempted to answer it, and maybe talk to the Doberman about his problem, but after a few moments, he dismissed the thought. He turned the phone face down, instantly muting the phone. He… he wasn't ready.

Fuck!

He almost groaned as he sat down on a chair and gripped his face. He was a coward! Where was that Max who stood before everything?! Where was that Max who made Octo and Andy get along?! Where was that Max who dared taking risks and always took responsibility for his actions?!

Since that day, he was scared. That was just a kiss in a game, but even until now, he could still feel the wolf's warm tongue inside his mouth. That gentle warmth just refused to leave him. Even after he kissed Priscila, and it happened a lot in the past weeks, he still couldn't forget it. And what shook him to the core was that he enjoyed it. He wanted to do it again.

He wanted to do it again.

The mere thought of it made his mind conflicted.

Did it feel this way because it was a guy? Or because it was his best friend? Surely the wolf had no intention to do that, this was all Andy's doing. If the lion did plan on making him feel miserable, then he did a perfect job.

Or… maybe Tom wanted that?

No, it couldn't be. Or maybe. There were a lot of ifs and maybes, and the sheer number of them almost made his mind numb. Yet everything seemed to boil down to a simple question: was Thomas gay or bi?

But everything, everything he knew about Tom answered no at that question. He looked anything but gay, not even in the opposite ends. He wasn't flamboyant nor manly. He wasn't muscled nor lithe. He just… was.

But what if he did? What if he were gay or bi? Then surely he had a strong reason to kiss him. Yet even if he were, there was absolutely no reason for him to ignore the wolf like he was doing now. The wolf was forced to kiss him and he just did what Andy said. It was Max who was childish and shun him away without any reason when all he had to do was just accept it and move on.

Accept it. He let out a sigh and looked over Priscila. She was still sleeping soundly.

Who can help me? Who can I talk to about this?

He let out a sigh.

Yes, that kiss felt great. I want to do it again if I can.

There, he confessed. Now he was a queer for wanting to kiss a guy.

Max wiped his face with his hand. Thomas must be confused and feeling guilty and worried right now; he was the one who just ran away at his own problem, after all. Perhaps he should ask Octo how to deal with some bit of gayness since he was the only bisexual person he trusted.

No, Max was not bisexual. He did not want to have sex with any guy, he did not see men in a sexual light, and he certainly didn't feel any romantic attachment towards any guy, not Octo, not Nathan, God forbid Andy, and not Tom.

Sexuality aside, he was going to set this right. Tom did not deserve to be punished because of his doing.

The wolf was honest and reasonable, so he might have a chance to apologise to him. At least he knew the wolf wouldn't yell at him the way Andy did. He took his phone from the nightstand and pulled up Tom's contact. It might take the wolf a few days or weeks to forgive him, but at least he started now.

Tom Bad Wolf

+3 15 182 0021

He stared intently at the screen. Just a tap on the number and his call was out...

+3 15 182 0021

He let out a sigh. Maybe tomorrow; it was late anyway, the wolf probably had gone to sleep. He didn't want to disturb him. He'd call him tomorrow.

Just about when he put his phone back on the nightstand, there was a call.

Raising his eyebrows in confusion, he just stared at the caller screen. Octo Bad Kitty.

Weird, the panther didn't usually call him this late. He took a breath and answered the phone, trying to sound sleepy.

“Mmhmm?"

“Hi, Max. You okay? Where've you been? We were worried about you."

That gave him a slap to the face. “Sorry, just…" He sighed and wiped his face. “Got lots of things to do. 'Sup? It's 1 am."

“I'm wondering where you are right now. We were supposed to do your homework tonight."

Wait, they were?

“Wait, really? I didn't remember."

“Of course you didn't. Based on the soft snores beside you, I'm guessing you're at Priscila's place now, aren't you? At least I know you have a reason." He heard Octo letting out an exasperated sigh in that familiar way of his. “Whatever, don't run to me on the night before you turn it in. Where have you been? How's that birthday party? You free on Sunday?"

Right, his birthday was on Sunday, a few days from now. He almost forgot. Unfortunately, he planned to go back home and enjoy his birthday with his family for three days. “Sorry, I'm going home for mybirthday. My brother wants me to celebrate there."

“Okay then. Too bad you couldn't come. Good thing we haven't prepared anything yet. How about Tom's birthday party next Friday?"

Tom's birthday party was next Friday?!

“Don't tell me you can't come because I'm gonna kick your ass if you do."

“I'll come, I'll come. Jeez." He said quickly, then leant back on the chair. What should he do?

How about actually apologizing to him and getting him some present, asshole?

“You made it sound like I'm forcing you."

“You are forcing me."

“I'm not even sorry. Okay then, you still got enough condoms for tonight?"

“Yeah. Good night."

“Night."

Max ended the call and stared at the ceilings numbly. Tom's birthday was next Friday, how could he forget? What kind of friend was he?

He stood up, feeling everything was a bit too much for him to handle right now. There was tomorrow, so he should be resting now. He quietly made his way back to the bed and lay back down.

He put his hands behind his head and looked at the ceilings. When Priscila turned to snuggle his side, he let her.

Everything then seemed trivial, and he was the one who overreacted.

He felt like an arsehole.

Octo's housing seemed lively. There was laughter inside, followed by some people yelling chug chug chug. Though, that wasn't really much of a surprise since they were free tomorrow. They had an extra-long weekend this week.

Here he was, at the place where this problem started, trying to figure it out. Tom knocked at the door and sighed.

“Come in!"

Opening the door, he was greeted by a kangaroo trying to down a bottle of beer surrounded by others who were laughing. Even Octo was laughing too, perching on the armrest of the sofa as he watched his housemate.

When the kangaroo was done—did he really take down a bottle of beer in a go?—everyone laughed loudly and congratulated him.

“Hey, you gotta be Octo's mate." Everyone looked at him, then gestured at him to come inside. “Come here! Have some beer!"

The wolf didn't look at them, just at Octo who was smiling at him.

He let out a sigh. “Octo, we need to talk."

Right after he said those words, the panther's expression turned from amused to serious. He nodded and stood up. “My room."

Laughter erupted again from the panther's friends.

“Ohh, Octaviano, you bad, bad boy."

“Seriously? You're gonna break up before even introducing him to us?"

“Sshhh! They're gonna have angry makeup sex!"

Octo sighed exasperatedly and facepalmed. “This isn't about what you think, dimwits."

They ignored him and kept laughing. Tom just stood there, a little uncomfortable. Did they just assume he was Octo's… angry boyfriend?

The panther beckoned him to follow him. He did that without glancing at them.

“Sorry about my housemates. They're drunk assholes, I know." Octo said, putting his phone on the nightstand. “What's wrong?"

Tom sat on the bed, leaning on the headboard and uttered simply, “Max."

The panther sat next to him.

“Do you know where's Max?"

Octo let out a sigh as if this were a common occurrence and he was tired of it. “I don't know. He hasn't really been in contact with us this week. I think the last time he appeared in the groups was… last Monday after your intercultural festival."

“And today is Thursday. When's his last seen?" Tom took a bolster and hugged it.

“Yesterday at 07.31 pm."

He let out a sad sigh. “I think… I think he's been avoiding me."

Octo gave him a look, then it softened. There was something of understanding and pity in those brown eyes. “I noticed." He put his hand on Tom's leg in assurance. “Stay strong."

This time, he gave him a look, but he then turned away in sadness. “I reckon this has something to do with that kiss. You know, the one that Andy forced us to do."

“Maybe. But in case it was, I already kicked Andy's ass for you two, literally."

Hearing that, Tom couldn't help but chuckle a little. “Literally?"

“The next day after that, I went to Andy's house to take my notes. And I kicked his ass there for making you two kiss. Ask him if you're curious." He shrugged.

The wolf chuckled again but then sighed. “Yet now he's avoiding me. Do you know where is he, or at least why would he do this?" He hugged the bolster tighter. “I'm worried."

“Believe me, I'm worried too. Max never just disappeared like this, much less without giving at least a word. Though, that kiss gave him a pretty strong reason." Octo sighed too. “I think he just needed time to himself, but even if that were, he shouldn't take this long. He's quick to resolve problems by himself."

“Maybe because… you know… maybe because he thinks I'm…" gay? He wanted to say, but instead he said, “not straight?"

The panther didn't appear at all disturbed. “Probably. Max is… he had quite a bad history with homosexuals, I mean that in the sense people wanting to have sex with him."

“History?" asked Tom, suddenly very worried. What if he had a trauma being kissed by a guy? What if he had been raped?!

“Yeah. You know, he's hot, I admit, and so do people. Lots of guys used to flirt with him, trying to get him into their bed. But, of course, he never agreed. I was there on a few occasions. Those who were honest and… er, not aggressive, he politely turned them down—some even became his friends—while those who were aggressive… well, punches were exchanged."

“He had honest people flirting with him? That's… new. I always thought horny studs flirted with him, sort of Kevin material."

“Yeah. And Kevin is a great analogy." Octo said. “You know Lucas? The black coyote who was the football captain of the Hampstertown University? We played them during our first stage in Nat-Champ."

The wolf shook his head.

“He made friends with Max. That didn't surprise me since Max makes friend with anyone anyway, but it turned out Lucas was gay and wanted to be his boyfriend. Max turned him down, of course, but he told me he felt a bit guilty at turning him down. Said he was asking nicely and not pushed him. In the end, though, Max apologized to him, which I'm sure surprised Lucas, and they're still buddies until today. Last time I heard from Lucas, he now got his own boyfriend."

That… was new information. He leant closer in interest.

“On the other end, there's this… Ben, if I'm not mistaken. He outright flirted with him and told him to get to his room, aaand he left the gym with a black eye. I want to say a broken bone too but I'm not sure. I walked Max home while he was complaining and angry all the way."

That seemed cute and terrifying at the same time. “So, you want to say, he's had a lot of gay experience?"

“No, of course not—"

“—I mean bad gay experience."

“What I want to say is, as far as I know, he never messed around. He's straight; he never fooled around with guys, not even in the showers or locker room—well, you know what being in the boy's locker room feels like." He smiled a bit, Tom smiled along. “And that brings us to the kiss; I'm sure that was his first kiss with a guy."

Tom deflated. That was his first kiss with a guy? Suddenly, he felt guilty. He shouldn't have done that. He made sure to be extra careful and gentle that day, but now it seemed to be not enough. He looked down, feeling guilty.

“French kiss, I mean. If it's just lip-to-lip kiss, he's played some sessions of gay chicken, thanks to that imbecile of a lion who calls himself Andy Wilson. But that kiss… Kevin even said he was hard."

“So, what happens now is his reaction to that kiss?"

“Presumably. And since he never had one, well, we can't know for sure how he reacts to himself. We don't know whether he liked it or hated it. We don't know what he's doing, or what he'll be doing." Octo leant on the wall and looked at the door.

“There's this one thing, though." Tom said, making the panther turn to him. “Max said he enjoyed the kiss, he told me that. He said he enjoyed that, and it felt nice, and that freaked him out."

Octo hummed in thought. “If he really said that, then either it was a lie and he was now still denying that, or that was the truth and he was coming into terms that he enjoyed that or even considering he was going gay because of that."

That last part made him chuckle a little. “How does one go gay anyway?"

“Ask Kevin, maybe he knows." The panther smiled playfully. “Maybe it starts with accepting the fact that you want to fuck a guy, maybe?"

“Maybe."

“And that guys are hot and you want to sexually enjoy them? Maybe kiss someone and snuggle with someone?"

“Maybe?"

“Maybe."

They laughed softly.

Octo leant forward and continued. “This is really a contrast to the Max I know. On one hand, I understand this is something entirely new to him, but on the other hand, he always fixes his own problems by himself, or asks for help if he can't. He has pride, of course, but I think he thinks that asking for help isn't a shameful thing to do if it's done to the correct person." He pulled a pillow and put in on his lap. “Maybe he's lost now, he needs help but he doesn't know who he can ask. But we know that when he appears, he either needs some help or has already fixed his problem."

Tom let out a breath softly and looked away. “I wish I could help him."

They went quiet.

“Don't fret." The panther patted his head fur. “Max can handle himself, you know. There's a reason he's our captain."

“Yeah." He looked up, Octo was smiling fondly at him.

“You look cute when you're worried."

“The heck!"

The panther chuckled.

He looked away. “Why do people always say I'm cute when I'm doing anything?"

“Seriously, you are."

“Hmph." He looked at Octo again, a grin creeping up his face. “You look cute when you smile like that."

Contrary to his expectation, the panther smiled back, almost bashfully. “Really? Thanks. I know I'm handsome, but no one ever exactly told me I'm cute."

“Yeah, well, take me as the first one." But Tom reddened at that smile.

The panther laughed again.

“I'm going to pull your whiskers if you don't stop." Unable to resist, Tom chuckled along. The panther did look cute like that anyway…

“So," Octo continued. “most likely, Max is in the acceptance phase. He'll get in touch soon."

The wolf ceased chuckling, now looking at his hands with a grim expression. “I'm still worried."

“I'll help whatever I can. I'll tell you when I get a word from him." he assured him. “Should I tell the others about this? We weren't really in touch with him lately, too."

“No, please don't. At least not yet. But if it's also the football club's problem, then sure."

Octo nodded.

Tom didn't look at him. He felt lost, failed. This was his fault. Max avoided him because of his own fault. And now, considering that Max already had many bad experiences with gays, he understood why he acted like this.

He felt guilty. He felt like he was opening Max's old scars.

“Don't feel guilty." The panther put his hand on his shoulder. “This isn't your fault. Max just needs time." He said softly.

“I… I don't know if I can come to his birthday party on Sunday."

“You can, trust me. I'll be there. I'll call him later about that."

There were many reasons to reply to that sentence, but he was emotionally spent, so he just nodded weakly. “Ya." He let out a sigh and looked up, smiling softly at the panther. “Thanks, Oct. I… I really needed that."

Octo smiled back. “You're welcome."

“I'd better get going." He glanced at the clock. “It's half to midnight."

“Stay a while, you can hang out with my housemates." Then he looked at the door. “On second thought, maybe not." He narrowed his eyes.

That made the wolf smile a bit more honestly, but then he turned curious when he realised everything had been silent.

He stood up, followed by Octo. “Thanks for the talk. You're the best."

“I'm here for you, Tom."

The panther opened the door for him. Instantly, his housemates bombarded them with questions. Tom took a step back while Octo just huffed exasperatedly.

“How was it?"

“Did you shag? I didn't hear anything."

“Angry sex much?"

“Octo was being gentle, wasn't he?"

“Who tops? I heard Octo bottoms!"

Tom just chuckled at their curiosity. He was about to answer when the panther gave him a little push towards the door. “Your housemates are a bunch of horny lads, aren't they?" He smiled a bit and went ahead. “Again, thanks a lot."

Octo gave him a reassuring a smile. He then turned to his housemates and scolded them. That almost made Tom laugh.

He walked away from the housing. The night was getting late. He might not have any classes tomorrow, but he wanted to sleep. However, he was sure his sleep wouldn't be very comfortable since his mind was a mess and he was emotionally exhausted.

Like Octo said, only time would tell.

He did what he could, now he gave it to the universe to decide. He only wished the universe would not choose the worst decision.

Wow, I wrote a 1000-word scene with only one line of speech. I guess that's what happens when you think about your constantly one-sided crushes something a tad too much.

Can we just appreciate for a second that Max is naked in the second scene, save for pants? Just, Priscila is so darn lucky.

Also, Octo notices everything.