Things started to get really difficult for me to cope with ever since then. It didn't mattered where I looked, shit was happening everywhere. Or at least, that's how it felt to me… Seeing my ex-boyfriend with his new girl while I still have feelings for him was a hard thing to swallow. It's been four months since the last time I saw him and to see that he moved on…? I was still regretting that I ever broke up with him… Knowing that my relationship with Nikki was going nowhere made me realize that sacrificing of what Terry and I had wasn't worth it…

It was like a rollercoaster, having mixed thoughts about Nikki every time I was with her… One moment, she had my sympathy for all the things she told me about her insecurities about herself and our relationship and the next, I could get so angry about it… It made me feel helpless because I couldn't do anything about it… I thought that I could give her the things she needed the most… Things that I really need from someone… But I never got that in return from her… I needed her, now more then ever… And she just wasn't there for me… I felt so neglected, as if I wasn't important to her… As if her needs and desires outweighed mine… And I knew I wasn't able to go on like that anymore… There once was a time where I longed for her whenever I wasn't with her… Being with her became a drag instead… Nikki just wasn't the girl I fell in love with anymore… I knew she had issues… Issues I thought I could help her with but… I couldn't… No one could… She never went into detail about the nature of the things that were on her mind… But Nikki told me that her sexuality confused her and I understand, because I went through the same thing myself… She told me that she never doubted her feelings for me… But despite everything, I never gave up on her… With everything said and done, I had the feeling that she already gave up on me instead… Love is like a rubber band… You keep pulling and pulling until someone lets go, hurting the one who held on…

So yeah, things weren't exactly easy for me… But with all the things that were happening, I really felt the need to talk about it except there wasn't anyone I could talk to… Talking to Nikki about it wouldn't make a difference, seeing as I did that many times before already… Talking to Samantha about these kind of things usually helped but Samantha didn't really know what to say once I told her everything, seeing how complex everything was… My grandmother was always there for me and never judged me for the things I did… I talked to her about my relationship problems but to make a long story short: The only logical thing I could do was to talk to Nikki about how I felt, something I did countless of times while it never made a difference. So I felt I got pushed against the wall and that there was no way out of there. No one would be able to make it all better and change things back to how they once used to be… I started to get depressed again, knowing I was back to square one… And everything I ever did for them, everything I've been through, was for nothing in the end… So it's safe to say that I felt so fucked up to see everything I've build up crumbling down right in front of me and that there wasn't a single thing I could do about it… I needed someone to be with, someone to talk to and distract me from everything that was happening before I was gonna lose it… Someone who accepts me for who I am and stays with you, no matter what happens… I thought I had that with Nikki and Terry… But things didn't quite turn out that way… So yeah, it was all messed up and I couldn't have felt more depressed for the things that were happening around me…

I came home from college on a Friday evening. It was a normal day as always except I was frustrated as hell because I got stuck on the A35 where an accident happened and two lanes were closed, causing a congestion of over sixteen kilometres. It's also my fault because I forgot to look up for any traffic information on the internet before I left. Anyway, it took me an hour and a half before I finally managed to get off the highway and got home. After which, I went to the living-room where I flopped down on the couch… Right that very second, I heard someone coming down the stairs… Catherine peeked around the doorpost and once I noticed her, she came up to me and gave me a kiss on my forehead…
'Hi, sweetheart.'
'Hey…'
'How was your day?'
'Let's not talk about that…'
'Bad day, huh?'
'Yeah, to say the least…'
'Looks like you could use something that will cheer you up.'
'Hardly anything can with the way things are going lately…'
'Oh, I'm pretty sure this'll cheer you up…'
'Heh…'
'There's someone here to see you.'
'Someone to see me?'
'Yes…'
'Who is it?'
'He's waiting in your room.'

“Wait, “he"...?" Catherine had a smile on her face the moment I looked at her. “Who could she possibly be referring to…?" Instead of doing the logical thing and check my room to see who it was, I just stood there a little puzzled trying to figure out who she meant… And then all of a sudden… “Terry isn't waiting upstairs for me, is he…?" Like that time he came into my room and made everything right by telling me everything I had to know…? The moment I saw the way Catherine was smiling at me, I knew it had to be Terry… So I ran upstairs to my room and the moment I opened my bedroom door, I saw someone sitting on my bed holding a picture frame and stared at that photograph of Samantha and me… His back was facing me so I couldn't tell right away who was sitting there but it sure as hell wasn't Terry… I was kind of disappointed at first but then… The moment I knew who it was, I stood dead-still in the doorpost… I knew who it was and yet… I couldn't believe it…
'Blain…? Is that really you…?' I whispered quietly…

Right that very moment, he turned his head… His face looked so much different than I remembered... He had a huge smile on his face when he saw me and stood up… And I still stood there in the doorpost while I still couldn't believe it… It wasn't until I heard his voice that I knew for sure…
'Took you long enough to get here!'
'Blain??! It IS you!! Oh my god!! It's you! You're home!! OH MY GOD!! You're finally home!!'
'Haha, c'mere!'

I got to him as fast as I could and threw my arms around him, holding him tight with the intention of never letting go of him ever again… I just couldn't believe that he was here after such a long time being separated from him… I was so happy that I spontaneously started to cry as I held him close… I looked him in the eyes and firmly clenched my arms around him even tighter… All he had was a big smile on his face as he caressed my hair…
'There, there, it's okay…'
'Oh my god, I can't believe you're here! I'm so happy that you're back safe!'
'Hehehe…'
'I've missed you so much…!'
'I've missed you too…'
'Wow…! When did you get home?! Why didn't you give me call?!'
'I came home two days ago but Catherine said that you stayed over at your girlfriend's place! I wanted to surprise you! And besides, I've slept for a long, loooong time after I came home…'
'Haha, oh wow…! Man… You sure did surprise me…! You look good, Blain…'
'Hehehe, well you don't look too bad yourself. How you've been?'
'Long story but I'm not gonna bother you with that now. You're doing anything tonight?'
'I was gonna ask you the same thing.'
'I suppose that means no. Great!! You wanna hang out?'
'Like, right now?'
'Yeah!'
'Sure thing, babe.'
'We'll eat something along the way, let's go!'

I wiped the tears out of my eyes and I took his hand as I basically dragged him downstairs where I grabbed my keys and yelled that I was going out with Blain. I think Catherine already expected something like that, knowing that we had a lot to catch up on… No idea what we were gonna do but I figured we'd always find something to do, like we used to. So we got in my car and I drove off, to the shopping mall, our old hang out. There's this big square with all sorts of cafés, pubs and restaurants and it always was a great place to hang out. So once we arrived and I parked my car, we went to a café and ordered something to eat. Blain said he hasn't had a hamburger in ages so he ordered one with fries and salad. The picture of a hamburger in the menu looked good so I ordered that as well along with two Cokes… Once the waitress brought us our drinks, I looked at Blain and well… He looked so much different than I remembered… So much bulkier, muscled and way more mature… Nevertheless, he looked good… I took his hands and smiled at him…
'It's been so long, Blain…'
'Yeah… I hardly recognize this place.'
'Many things have changed while you were gone.'
'Where's that ice-cream parlour where we used to hang out? Wasn't that supposed to be across the fountain?'
'Uhm… You mean Giuseppe's?'
'Yeah, that's the one.'
'The owner retired.'
'Retired?'
'Yeah. Well, there was a couple who took over the business under a different name but that became such a flop, they were gone within the year.'
'And now it's a sandwich shop.'
'Yeah. Great sandwiches though.'
'Hehehe, it's a good thing they didn't changed that fountain.'
'Fountain?'
'Yeah… You remember? Whaha…!'
'… That was your idea!'
'The hell it was, haha!'
'Dropping tea-bags in a fountain to see what it does? Definitely sounds like your idea, Blain.'
'Whaha! Man! That fountain smelled of Earl Grey and spewed tea for days!'
'I don't know about you but I shat my pants the moment that police officer saw what we were doing…'
'I was more worried about going to the police-station. Once my mom picked us up from the police station, she smacked me across the room when we got home, haha!'
'Hehehe, nooooo… They weren't too happy when we pulled off that stunt, no… We still got off the hook pretty easy though.'
'Speak for yourself, Ceylan, you didn't get smacked across the room. I would've preferred the forty eight hours of community service over a beating any day.'
'Hehehe, we were just being mischievous, who can blame a bunch of cubs for arsing around?'
'Hehehe… How the hell did we even get those ideas?'
'Whaha, I don't know! Man, we did some crazy shit together…'
'Yeah… Synchronizing a shitload of kitchen timers at Marks and Spencers… THAT was your idea.'
'Yeah, that was my idea because we didn't get caught.'
'Hehehe…'
'The looks on everyone's faces were priceless when all those kitchen timers went off…'
'That one time you got busted?'
'Busted?'
'Yeah, for ding dong ditching.'
'Oh yeah! Whahaha!'
'That guy was pissed at you and in order to get off the hook, you pulled a really sad face while talking in Urdu to him.'
'He didn't understand a word of what I was saying…'
'No! And then I came along and pretended to translate everything.'
'You were talking gibberish…! I had so much trouble to play along without laughing…'
'Hehehehe…'
'What was it you told him?'
'Uh… That you were new in this country and you didn't know what those buttons did, seeing as you didn't had any buttons on a door in Salahadihn…'
'Aww… Haha, I felt so bad afterwards when he felt sorry for me and apologized…'
'Yeah… That was the last time we ever played ding dong ditch…'

Blain and I caught up on a lot of things… Recalling memories of all the things we used to do when we were little… It's been so much fun and it wasn't until then I realized how much I've missed him while he was gone… It's been so long since anyone made me laugh and feel good… Blain was gone for almost two years but it didn't felt like that… We just picked up where we left off, like he never left… It all felt so familiar…

After we had dinner, I showed him several places where we used to hang out, talking about so many things, having the occasional laughing fit every once in a while. Blain and I went to our favourite hang out on the beach when we were teens around ten o'clock, when the sun was already going down. The beach was desolated and that actually kind of surprised me, because the weather was really nice and warm… Nevertheless, it was nice to be alone with him, just to talk… We sat down on a fallen tree and all of a sudden, Blain revealed a relatively large joint from his pocket…
'Where'd you get that?'
'You know, friend from a friend's cousin's uncle.'
'Ah, I get it, no names.'
'No, from Clayton's uncle, who owns a coffee-shop.'
'Clayton?'
'Yeah.'
'Can't remember I've ever met him.'
'I swear, that guy is stoned all day, haha!'
'Hmm…'
'What?'
'You're not doing any other stuff, are you?'
'No! No, of course not! I'm a sensible young man. Smoking a joint every once in a while can't hurt.'
'Yeah, I suppose…'
'Besides, it'll be the first one I'll have in two years. I think I earned it more than anything after all the shit that happened in Sercia…'
'Heh…'
'You wanna get high?'
'… Sure, what the hell.'

He took a lighter and lit up his joint… Took several puffs and deeply inhaled… Blain closed his eyes and had such a relaxed smile on his face the moment he exhaled through his nostrils…
'Oh man, how I've missed this…'

It stayed silent for a while as I took a good look at him… Blain changed so much that I barely recognized him… It's so strange how I could've missed it but I guess I was just too focused on him instead… But it wasn't until then I noticed a moon shaped scar just below his right eye where some of his fur was shaved off… And it really had me wondering what happened to him…
'How'd you get that scar…?'
'Hm? Oh… Uhm… Heh…'
'It's okay if you don't wanna talk about it…'
'Our convoy got struck by IED's…'
'IED's…?'
'Yeah… Improvised explosive devices. We, uhm… We patrolled along the outskirts of Ada Mokrin… Everything was fine until we returned… I was in the fourth Bushmaster and well… That probably saved my skin…'
'I see…'
'The Bushmasters are lightly armoured, giving protection from fireams and mines... Normally it can withstand an IED but not if there are a shitload of them... It was meant to take out a single tank... Everyone in the first vehicle died instantly on impact, either by the shock blast or the debris… Several others died during the fire-fight that followed… It didn't look pretty...'
'Heh… What about you…?'
'The Bushmaster I was in flipped its wheels... That's how powerful the explosions were and I was able to crawl out the back relatively unharmed but uhm… Some asshole threw a grenade about ten meters away from me and well… I got hit with shrapnel after it exploded…'

He pulled his t-shirt down and I saw that a large square was shaved on his chest, revealing that same pale skin and a large scar across his chest, with several cuts… He only showed it for a moment but it was enough for me to be shocked by what I was seeing… I think that's the reason why he only showed it to me for such a short moment, probably because of my reaction…
'Heh… So, yeah… I got fucked up pretty bad there…'
'Was that the first time you that you were engaged in combat…?'
'Ha, hell no… Thank god it was the last I've seen… My mate pulled me to safety and took care of me until reinforcements arrived… I got airlifted to base where they patched me up… It took a while for me to recover and that's when I got sent home…'
'Heh…'
'So yeah, I've uh… I've seen enough for one life… Still, the things I've been through weren't nearly as bad as the things that are happening up north… Compared to what's happening there, we've still had it relatively quiet south east… Poor bastards are going through hell there up north…'

It stayed silent for a long time as Blain closed his eyes and took a deep breath… The moment he opened them again, he looked up to the sky and sighed quietly while his lips were trembling… And even though I've still had so many questions to ask him, I think it was best to keep them to myself, seeing his reaction, hearing how much trouble he had to talk about it… So I quickly changed the subject…
'You gonna pass me that joint or what?'
'Oh, yeah…! Sure, here you go…'
'Hehehe, thanks… So… Was there anyone “special" waiting for you when you got home?'
'What, besides you?'
'Hehehe, a girlfriend, stupid.'
'Naaaah… You know it's not my kind of thing.'
'Well, you know, people change…'
'Perhaps but relationships still aren't exactly my thing.'
'Hehehe…'
'Seemed it worked out quite well for you, didn't it?'
'Well…'
'Catherine said you stayed over at your girlfriend's place. So you finally came out to your family?'
'Yeah… Long story…'
'What ever happened to Terry then?'
'Heh… It's complicated… Terry and I were together and well… I met his friend Nicole…'
'Nicole?'
'Yeah… You know her?'
'No, not personally. Think I've seen her for a short moment once though, she never came along whenever Terry and I went out.'
'Hmm… Well, to make it short: I've met her through him and didn't really take that long before Nicole and I became friends. Nicole came out to me as a lesbian. Seeing how things always clicked between us and my interpretation of those subtle hints she gave me made me think that she was flirting with me and well… I fell in love with her…'
'Ooohh…'
'Terry didn't know I'm bi-sexual and I didn't had the guts to tell him that but still felt the need to be with her. Sooo… I saw Nicole behind Terry's back and well… The moment he found out, he was fucking pissed at us…'
'Oh?'
'Yeah… In the end, it turned out that Terry had sex with Nicole behind my back as well and things are really awkward right now…'
'Haha, wow…'

I took several puffs from the joint and inhaled deeply… It's been a long time since I smoked one so I got a little dizzy from that first inhale… But right that very second, I closed my eyes, feeling very relaxed all of a sudden… I didn't know if that was caused by the cannabis or the fact that I was there talking with Blain but nevertheless, it felt very nice… What, don't look at me like that. I know I'm not a saint… Cannabis is legal here in Renaria and so is prostitution encase you're wondering… It's not like I'm smoking it regularly but like Blain said, every once in a while can't hurt… I heard Blain laughing and when I opened my eyes, I smiled at him as I passed the joint back to him…
'Haha, you feeling high yet?'
'Naah… It's good stuff though…'
'Hehehe, it sure looked that for a moment.'
'So uh, yeah… Terry confessed to me that he had sex with Nicole behind my back the night I broke up with him.'
'Why'd you broke up with him in the first place?'
'So that I could be with Nicole…'
'Hm…'
'Nikki doesn't tell me anything so I don't know if what Terry said to me was true or not. And ever since then, things started to go bad with Nicole.'
'Ah…'
'At first, I thought that Terry was just trying to get back at me, to ruin things between Nicole and me but the longer I'm with her, the more I start to believe that it actually happened, even though it just doesn't make any sense…'
'Oh man…'
'I look at Nikki from a whole different perspective now and well… She changed so much afterwards that I barely recognize her… And it hurts…'
'What happened?'
'She doesn't show affection to me in any way imaginable and I feel that my relationship with her is one sided… She's not the girl I fell in love with anymore and well… I need so much more from her than she's giving me… It hurts my feelings because… Because she doesn't see what it does to me and no matter what I try, no matter how many times I talk to her about my feelings, it seems as if she already gave up on us… I know her feelings for me are sincere but… She's got so many things on her mind she doesn't talk about and it makes me feel helpless because I can't do anything about it… All I can do is just sit there and watch how it all falls down like a house of cards… She keeps hurting me by keeping me at a distance whenever she feels like it and I can only see the distance between us growing…'
'So why are you still with her if she keeps hurting your feelings?'
'Because… Because I love her…'

Blain looked at me with wide eyes and just stared at me completely baffled… And all of a sudden, he was laughing his ass off… I didn't really like it when he did for telling the truth…
'Pfff! Hahahahaha! Man! That has got to be the most sentimental bullshit I've ever heard from you!'
'Well… I do have feelings for her…'
'Haha, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that but… Wow…'
'What?'
'It just goes to show how much you've changed while I was gone! Damn, you became a softy!'
'Heh…'
'What happened to you that made you so soft??'
'Lots of things… I just saw things from a different angle and well, it changed me… You change for the people you love… And sometimes, people change when they're around you… But that doesn't always have to be a good thing when that happens…'
'Yeah, I suppose that's true.'
'Heh…'

I talked to Blain about my relationship with Nikki and how it made me feel. How empty and meaningless it all was while I needed so much more. Blain was always pretty straightforward about these kind of things. Nevertheless, it felt good to talk about it with someone who stayed “down to earth" about these kind of things. As we were talking, we were passing each other that joint, taking a deep inhale each and every time. The funny thing was, despite having a very serious conversation, I actually started to feel really happy for no particular reasons while I felt a little lightheaded… It was fucking awesome… The subject inevitably changed from relationships to sex… Blain was the only one I could talk about sex the way that guys do… Except we were both high… The conversation we had about that particular subject was, uh… Interesting to say the least…
'Having sex with Nicole becomes such a drag that I just can't enjoy it anymore!'
'Why?! I mean, at least you could still have some fun by riding her!'
'Ha, yeah well, that's the thing. It just doesn't satisfy me anymore.'
'Ah.'
'I mean, I'm doing anything she expects me to do! I suck her titties, lick her clit and ride her like she was the last female on the goddamn planet and I just can't expect the same thing back from her!'
'Why not?!'
'Nikki won't go down on me!'
'Hahaha!'
'No, I'm dead serious! It's always some bullshit excuse! BULLSHIT, I tell you!! What's so difficult about sticking your head between my legs and doing your thing?! Come on, how hard is it to impersonate a motorboat?!'
'Haha! Oh man…'
'She doesn't even finger me or play with MY titties!'
'Haha, sounds like someone is sexually frustrated.'
'Damn right I am! I mean, all I want is that in return, is that so much to ask from her?'
'I suppose…'
'Why the hell isn't she going down on me!?'
'Whahaha, don't ask me, man! How the hell would I know?!'
'Every time, I spread my legs for her and she just sits there, staring at my cunt! And I'm like, helloooooooo! It's an “all you can eat" buffet on a taco Tuesday!! Come and get it! But nooooo!'
'Goddamn, you're funny when you're high…'
'… It's not like I smell bad down there, do I?'
'God, I hope not…'
'Man, I'm getting on my own nerves… Gaaaah…'
'Then look for a girl who'll have sex with you.'
'With me?'
'Yeah, have a one-night stand.'
'No, noooooooo… Oh no…'
'Why not? If it's sex your after…'
'I know… But… I'm not like that. I can't have sex with someone I hardly know, someone I don't love, let alone a complete stranger.'
'You're too damn picky.'
'No, I'm not but…'
'A one-night stand means you'll have sex and then you both go your separate ways, never seeing each other again.'
'Yeah but…'
'You make it difficult. If you want sex with a girl and it's both consensual, then why the hell not?! Come on!'
'I just can't, Blain…'
'Look, don't tell me you never looked at a woman before and thought to yourself “Damn! I'd hit that and do her all night!" You wouldn't be fooling me.'
'Yeeeeeeah, that's true but…'
'What if that woman heard you, walked up to you and invited you over, hmm?'
'Then I'd totally fuck her brains out.'
'Now that sounds like the Ceylan I know!'
'Yeah but that'll never happen!'
'God, your hopeless… Haha…'

Blain and I were both high from that joint we smoked… The symptoms already started to kick in… Feeling light headed, extremely happy and being a little hyperactive but above all, a lot of talking… It might sound strange that smoking a joint could actually made me feel that good… It made me forget about all the worries I had and enjoy the company of a lifelong friend…. A friend I haven't seen in for so long and yet it seemed as if he never changed… And I wish that night could've last forever… All night long, we stayed at the beach, talking and laughing… I wasn't able to drive and I knew that I couldn't… We left the beach at around half passed seven in the morning when the effects started to wear off and went our separate ways once we got home… I got in bed that night, feeling a little bit better knowing that Blain was back and I would be able to take on the next day, with him by my side…

Blain looked so much different when I first saw him again… A cold, hard exterior, shaped as time went by… Everything changed about him, except one thing… His blue eyes, that still reminded me of that same shy, insecure sweet little boy he once was… Sometimes I think back of the things we went through… Being bullied when we were little created something unbreakable between the two of us… Always looking after each other and standing up for one another when we need it the most… Unlike most people in my life, Blain stayed the same… His looks might've changed but his personality never did… I haven't seen him in over two years and yet we picked up were we left off… No awkward silences, no strange conversations… And it was great… But still… Despite all that, I knew Blain had it difficult getting used to a normal life again… He saw things during the war in Sercia no one is ever supposed to see… He tried to hide his fears by smiling but I saw through that… I knew what was happening, simply because I recognized myself in him and to have experienced the same… I just figured I had to do what I always did for him, simply because he always did the same for me... That's what friends do… So I had to be there for him whenever he needed me, now more then ever…