Date: CT2-5875/11/14

I cried all the next day, I soaked myself in grief. I told Zachary that I needed space and - with my assurance that this was most definitely what I wanted - he respected my wishes and left. Once he was gone, I didn't talk to anyone. In fact, I barely moved.

Date: CT2-5875/11/15

The next day I almost didn't get out of bed.

Zachary came back, he brought breakfast. He kissed my body and spoke soft, soothing words. I told him I would be okay. I don't know if I was lying, but I wasn't telling the truth. It didn't matter either way, I can be very convincing when I want to be.

He left again and I lay there in my underwear, feeling sorry for myself and hating myself simultaneously. My emotions morphed from despair, to anger and to numbness in turns.

Lex called. I ignored her. She called again an hour later. I answered, still lying in bed. I felt like death.

“Baby, I'm so sorry," she said. She looked like hell, messy and tired and worn. The makeup around her eyes had been distorted by dried tears.

“Yeah."

I didn't know what to say or how to say it. Serrah committed ritual suicide under forty-eight hours ago with my help. I had no words for what I felt. Still, Lex's appearance worried me, as terrible as I felt, I knew she'd been struggling too, and to let her fall when she needed me was not something I intended to do.

“I was there, at the ceremony. I know it tore you up."

I hadn't noticed her there, but I had been too wrapped up in Serrah to see anything else.

“I feel like shit, Lex, but I'll live. It's you I'm worried about. You've been crying."

“What's new?" She laughed dryly, twisting her pain into pantomime as she so often did.

“I know Lex - the malaise - it has you. It has me too." Admitting it so openly hurt.

Lex exhaled and wiped a hand down her face. “I know, Eliot. I'm sorry. I just wish I could be like you, you bear it with such grace."

“Maybe I did. I don't know about now. Without Serrah I… I don't know."

“Oh, Eliot. I know how close you were I- I can't imagine. We should meet, talk. I can't have you crumbling babe. You're so fucking strong, it's not right."

I couldn't handle the conversation. Not then. I couldn't speak. I was choking up. Screwing my eyes shut, injecting some sort of stimulant into my brain to stop me from totally spiraling.

I was depressed and scared. I loved Lex, but she was speeding toward an early death. Spending time with her was like watching a vehicle crash in slow motion. That day of all days it hurt just to talk to her. It hurt just to know her.

It felt like she was on an inexorable countdown to demise. If I could've done anything to help her, to save her, I would've, with no hesitation, but every time I talked to her I lost a little more of my belief that I held such power.

“Okay. Let's meet." It didn't mean I wouldn't keep on trying, but... “Tomorrow, though. Not today. I can't today."

Maybe I wouldn't try too hard.

“Thank you baby." She said. I braved opening my eyes and there she was, as before, superimposed over reality, floating above the bed, staring right at me, examining my every motion. “So, Serrah left you her Mind?"

I hadn't forgotten exactly, but I had suppressed the knowledge.

I jolted upright and grimaced.

“Yeah."

“That's big."

“It is." I ran a paw through my hair and tried not to think too much about it.

“Well, have you run it?"

“No. Not yet. I..."

“You're scared. I get it." She nodded. “I would be too. So, are you going to run it at some point, though? Or are you just gonna turn it off for good?"

Patches of my fur stood on end and I had the involuntary impulse to shiver. “I'm going to run it," I told her. “Turning it off without... I couldn't. I just, well, I need to build up the courage."

“I get it," she said, and silence stood its ground between us. “I'll see you tomorrow, okay Eliot?"

“Wait," I said, despite myself. “I can't let you go just like that. Why were you crying, Lex? Did something happen?"

She stopped, and remained still, her eyes downcast, then she found a faint smile.

“It's the Malaise, Eliot." She said. “Nothing happened. That's the point."

I understood her all too well.

---

It took hours for me to find the right state of mind and cocktail of mood affecting drugs to finally face Serrah's Mind.

The Mind had been delivered by transporter mere hours after the Dusk, but I had not so much as touched it until then. In appearance it was unremarkable; it was a small black box engraved with Serrah's name, but otherwise featureless. I picked it up gingerly, careful and nervous, and brought it to my projection room. I sat with it and, after a few deep breaths, I set it running.

I interfaced with it, connecting my system to its own, rather than letting it project into the physical world. Something about being able to interact with the Mind entirely digitally made me feel less vulnerable. I suppose it was just a shade less real, and that was enough to help me brave my fears.

The link was achieved without a hitch and in an instant I was no longer in the projection room, at least not consciously. Instead, I was in Serrah's living room, sat on her ornate, velvet, crimson couch. And there, standing tall across from me, was the woman herself.

Even death couldn't stop her from striking awe. She was as stunning in the simulation as she was in real life. With her long, sharp black hair, her blood red lips and those piercing brown eyes. I often had the feeling when she looked at me that she was staring directly into my soul.

She was lightly dressed in only a loose robe and some lacey lingerie and she had the confident, assured demeanor of a woman who was very much expecting my arrival, and had prepared for it.

“Eliot," she said. “Is it selfish of me to say that I've missed you?"

Her voice knocked the breath from me, momentarily. My mind scrambled and raced. Everything I wanted to say to her, everything I wanted to do, I-

“It is," I said, with a forcefulness that caught me off guard. “You're dead." I told her. “And I needed you."

It was an awful thing to say, but I meant it.

“I'm here."

How can something so plainly true be such an awful lie?

She reached toward me, I didn't move. She threaded her fingers through the short fur on my left arm and it felt so real. In many ways it was.

“You're dead, Serrah. You Dusked."

“I know." She pulled her hand away and flicked her head to the side in a huff. “What? Do you want me to apologize?"

My fists balled.

“No, you don't need to apologize. It was your life to waste as you so desired. I just- I just don't understand."

“Since when were you so anti-Dusk anyway Eliot?"

“Since two days ago," I stated, straight faced and not at all ashamed by my fragile truth. Serrah's grip on my arm faltered and her gaze wandered, eyes glazed with uncertainty. I pointed an outstretched finger right at her, my words a cascade of accusations. “You had so much left to give, Serrah. You loved and were loved so deeply. Why did you do it?"

“Because I was tired, Eliot. You know what that's like. I was done."

I was so angry. I was so sad. I couldn't contain it all. Emotion had just been building inside of me, up and up and up and-

“Fuck you!"

She flinched, in genuine shock. It was hard to surprise Serrah, but I'd done it.

“Excuse me?"

“I said 'fuck you'." My temper had taken control, but I didn't care. “You're damn right I know what that's like. I'm tired too. I'm tired every single day of this perfect fucking life. You know that. But here I am, fighting on, and there you are, dead. You left me alone out here."

“I didn't leave you, Eliot. What the fuck do you think this is? I didn't leave you my Mind as some sort of practical joke."

That shut me up, at least for a short while. It dawned on me that Serrah had given a lot of thought to this, to me, to how I'd feel after she Dusked. Of course she had. She thought deeply about everyone she cared about, and I was lucky enough to be at the top of that list, right beside Paloma. Still, it wasn't enough. My fury persisted.

“You're still dead."

“In a sense, yes. But you're not alone. You have me, and you have Zachary."

“Don't you dare bring Zach into this. If you thought he was so important, why didn't you give him the time of day when you were alive?"

“Eliot, don't be unkind, please. You know how busy I'd been, and you know what I was going through. I felt so crushed for so long. Regardless, I didn't need to get to know him. I saw the way you looked at him, and the way he looked at you, and how you were when you were together. That was love, every bit as pure as the love you and I shared."

“It's not the same and you know it. He can't replace you, Serrah. Nobody ever could."

She stopped, then sniffed, as if fighting tears. She wrapped her arms around herself and stared at the floor. She was Serrah, exactly. Sure it was a program, an extraction, a virtual projection, but she was Serrah, and I had upset her - not without reason - but I had upset her. And, on Zed, that made me feel awful. This was the woman I had loved, right in front of me, talking to me, thinking, feeling, and I was telling her she'd failed me. I was telling her she was dead and that meant nothing she could do would ever be enough. Of course I'd hurt her.

“No, but he's there for you all the same," she said, finally. “I'm sorry, Eliot. I lived a good life. We made such great memories together, and I love you so damn much, but... In the end it was too much. The bad began to outweigh the good. I felt like I was treading water, like I was stuck in one place. Then I started sinking. I wanted to end things before I sank too deep. Before I drowned. I wanted to end things on good terms, happy and accomplished, functional. I couldn't stand living to see myself become a wreck. I'm so sorry Eliot."

By the time she stopped speaking, she was crying without restraint. For all the pain I felt, my eyes were dry.

I wanted to cheer her up, to make her feel better, but I couldn't. I just couldn't.

“How can you expect me to go on when you couldn't bear to?"

“Don't say that, please."

“So you want me to lie to you?"

“No, I want you not to feel that way. That was my biggest fear in Dusking. It is my biggest fear."

“But, still, you left."

“I would have left a year earlier, two years earlier, if not for you. I love you so much, Eliot, but you have such great sadness in you. It was keeping me up at night, delaying my inevitable decision. I couldn't bear the idea of becoming a nail in your coffin."

“Then why did you go through with it? Why did you have me and Paloma fucking kill you in front of hundreds of people? I'm starting to think Dusks are nothing more than self-aggrandizing, suicide-power-fantasy enabling, blights on our existence."

“Of course they are, Eliot. But would you rather us all slit our veins alone in the bathtub like in ancient times? It's a damn sight better this way now that those of us who are certain have the option to Dusk - the option to celebrate our lives and accept our deaths - with the ability to back out at any time, rather than be forced to mutilate ourselves in a rash moment of despair."

“I know."

“But you made the argument anyway. Perhaps because you're mad at me, at life, at the Cube, at the damn Malaise, but there's nothing you can do about it, other than live with it."

“And you couldn't even manage that."

“Eliot!" Rolling tears shone on her cheeks.

I didn't know what to feel, what to do, or what to say. My tail was lashing, my ears were flattened, my nose was twitching. I played with the piercings running down my left ear, one by one.

“Tell me, Serrah, if you hated life so much, why leave me your Mind?"

“I think you know the answer to that."

“I want to hear it from you."

“Because I couldn't bring myself to leave you, knowing what you might do."

“And...?"

Serrah looked up, eyes glimmering wet in the virtual light, she wore the saddest smile.

“And I was too weak and too selfish to be there for you myself. So I sent this. I sent my mind. And I sent me. A replication of the real thing. An accurate one to be sure but, still, just a copy."

I realized something. Something awful. My head was spinning. I felt as if I had been cut loose and set adrift when Serrah died, and now I was staring at the horizon trying to catch sight of the distant shore, but failing. I was too far gone. There was no way back now.

“You don't want to be here, do you?" I asked. Serrah's image grimaced, but didn't respond. “You wish you'd died with her. You wish I'd get out of here and turn you off for good."

She shook her head and I wished she would deny it all, but she didn't. Of course she didn't.

“It's not that simple," she said. “What I want is for you to be safe and happy or, if not happy, at least determined."

“So, your dead progenitor is subjecting you, her own Mind, to a tortured existence just to try and sedate me?"

“It's not-"

“She really could be a total bitch."

“Maybe she could be, maybe I still am, but this existence of mine isn't torturous, Eliot. Far from it. I love you. I'm - and I mean this me, this replicant, this Mind - I'm lucky. Serrah is dead, and here I am, spending time with you. I don't envy her one bit."

She approached me, slow, cautious. I didn't react so she sat beside me, wrapped her arms around me. I let her.

All my rage, all my anger, it-

When I was back in Serrah's arms I-

That was my breaking point.

I burst into a fit of wracking, agonizing tears. She held me tight. I could feel her there. To all of my senses she was Serrah, as real as she had ever been. I wanted to accept that idea as fact, to collapse into it, but I couldn't.

“Eventually you'll ask me to end this program. And when I do, you'll be gone, deleted. I will have given you your final death. Don't lie to me about this, Serrah. You're here for me, sure, and I'll trust that you want to be, but you don't want to stay conscious, not long term. You don't want to be alive any more than she did."

“Eliot. I'm only a Mind. Even if there's truth to what you're saying, it doesn't matter. I'll stick around as long as you keep me running."

I shrugged off her embrace and stood, stepping away and staring at the opposite wall, directly away from her.

“Bullshit. You know where I fall on that damned debate."

“It doesn't matter, the truth is I'm nothing more than code."

“You're a whole lifetime of memories and data gathered from Serrah's system. You are all her thoughts and feelings, you are the amalgamation of her every atom's lived experience. I don't care what Zed tells us of history and philosophy: that programmed intelligence is 'up for debate'. To me, it's not. You are sentient. You are alive. Every bit as much as you're dead."

“Schrödinger's Mate," she said with a single dry laugh and, even though I wasn't looking at her, I knew exactly the way her mouth had contorted her face into a wry smile, I knew the exact withering look in her eyes. “Maybe you're right."

“If you wanted, we could put you in a body. It would be as if you'd never left. If you're so adamant on living, why haven't you suggested it?" She was silent for a time, and that was all I needed. “It's because you're not interested. It's because you'd rather be dead."

“It's not like that, Eliot."

“Of course it is!" I yelled, throwing my arms in the air. “I should end this charade right now and turn you off for good."

“Don't do that, please!"

“And why, on Zed, shouldn't I?"

She put a hand on my shoulder and I deflated in an instant. I hadn't even heard her approach.

“Will you stop your blustering for one minute and listen to me? I keep telling you: I love you. I planned for this. I wanted this. Don't turn me off Eliot, please. Not yet."

Those two final words were spikes driven into the side of my head. I repeated them as a question, somehow hoping the answer would change. “Not yet?"

It didn't.

“Not yet."

As much as I wished I didn't, I understood. I hated it, but I understood.

“So," I said, drawing out that single syllable, letting it drift off into an echoing silence. “What now?"

“Now," she said. “You kiss me."

I turned, and looked into her eyes as she looked into mine. Serrah was dead, but she was alive. Not for long, but for now. And, in this instant, she was mine.

I tilted my head and leant in and she did the same.

How sorely I had missed her taste.

For all the reality it lacked, for all it was merely a trick of the mind, it was as real to me as any kiss I'd ever had.

---

By the time I left the simulation, the day was running late. I wasn't sure quite what to make of my experience with Serrah's Mind. I was a mess, trying to muddle through it all.

She was Serrah alright, but she wasn't my Serrah. Not really. Still, her kiss felt the same as it ever had, as did her skin, and her breasts, and her bush. After our talk, we made love. We barely spoke another word. It was euphoria. Leaving was agony.

Living on was worse.

I generated some food and sat, nibbling at it and staring at my ceiling for a good hour. After that I returned to bed.

Zachary came back in the evening to check on me. His sweet words and gentle touch helped me feel something close to normal for a time. We made love too. It was good, maybe even great, but when it was over nothing had changed. I was still Eliot, Serrah was still dead, and I felt closer to joining her than I ever had.

“Mate?" Zachary said, as he cradled me in my bed.

“Yes?"

“I love you, you know."

I thought about dying.

I wondered how Zachary would feel if I left him my Mind.

I told him: “I love you too."

I meant it.

I wondered if that was enough.