Current Track: Blabb

The night
felt cold, even more so than usual.

stared at the ceilings, at that hole he always promised to fix when he had the
money. It was late in the night; the clock showed that it was 23.45. No matter
how much he shifted around on the bed, he couldn't fall asleep. He missed
holding his panther close on the bed.

missed the warmth.

He turned
again to lay on his side. The lamps were off, the drapes closed, and he was
left alone with his thoughts. It had been three days since he broke up with
Octo. The wound was still fresh. He still remembered it, every detail of it.
What he said, what Octo said, they were still fresh.

now, though, he wasn't sure what to think, his break-up with Octo, his mother's
failing condition, his miserable financial status, or his less-than-good mental
health. There were too many things to think about. He wanted to just… be done
with it and move on.

as he turned to lie on his back again, the wolf couldn't help but feel like an
arsehole. No, this time not just because of this problem, but because he was an arsehole in general. Like it or
not, he realised he had slowly been turning into his father, the very one he
loathed with all his heart. He even might have used his friends, but of course
he couldn't tell. All this time he could've been using Vilkas or Octo or anyone
else and he couldn't tell.

He did
not want that. He promised himself to be better, to help his mother, to be a
better wolf than his father.

He did
not want to continue being haunted by the shadow of his father and what he had
done to him. He circled his wrists. The scars had since long gone, but somehow,
he could still feel his father's grip on them. His hand went up to his upper
arm. The fur had since long regrown, but somehow, he could still trace the
darker red tint of blood running through his fur. His hand went up to his
muzzle. The teeth had since long recovered, but… some were now numb.

He had to
move on. The first steps were the hardest, Tom told him when he explained how
he got together with Max. Kevin didn't know at the time and maybe Tom too, but
the grey wolf was teaching him life lessons. Tom might be lucky to grow up
alone where he had no father to hurt him, but Tom was also unlucky enough to
not have a mother to care for him.

Kevin let
out a sigh and closed his eyes, arms lying limp beside him. He… had to start
over. He had to start by admitting his mistakes.

As much
as he hated to admit, it was his fault that he and Octo broke up. He knew he shouldn't do it, but he did it
nonetheless. He knew the
consequences, but he did it nonetheless. That was the stupid decision that cost
him Octo. He wanted to deny it, that Octo was instead the one at fault. The
panther left him alone, acting as if they were just friends with benefits.

the wolf knew that was not the case. He also shared the blame. He did not trust
the panther, first. He did not ask for his help when he knew Octo could and
would help just because he wanted to stay independent, second. He also treated
Octo the same, three. Instead of getting better, he turned whatever small sliver
of growing trust between them and threw it away by fucking with someone else,
whatever the motive was.

When he
had his first male client back then, he thought it was thrilling. Having sex
with a total stranger, sometimes several strangers, was already fun and
satisfying, but doing this for money? The stakes were higher, and he felt like
he had to do his best at something he liked to do, like beating his own high
score in a game. To be honest, he still feels that way now. It felt like he was
good at something, that he could do
something, that he was not worthless like his father was.

Yet, he
wasn't really sure why he continued it aside from mainly the money. For
validation? To prove his masculinity? What was it? He did not know, and
frankly, that was stupid. Maybe that should be his new motto: “I do things but
I don't know why".

Now, he
was alone, poor, and dumb. He already sent Shaun the money Vilkas gave him. It
left him with no choice. His unemployment application was also rejected, and he
felt too defeated to try and register again. Yesterday, the landlord came and
asked for the rent. He could only look down, give her last month's rent, and
say that he was still looking for ways to make money. She smiled at him, but
also warned that if he still couldn't pay it three months in a row, he was to
be evicted as the contract said.

He knew
that well, which was why he swallowed his pride and borrowed money from Vilkas.

gripped his head. Everything seemed so sudden. He still needed a new job and he
had to find it before next month, but his money would only last till next week,
and his mother still needed more money for her recovery. It was as if someone
conspired to turn the wheels and make him even more miserable than he already

He wanted
to talk, but he wasn't sure if he could do that. Besides, to whom could he
talk? Octo was a big no; they did not even have any contact since that day.
Vilkas was also no; he was not sure he could even show his face to Vilkas. That
left him with Tom and Max. Max was also a no since they didn't know each other
that well.

That left
him with Tom.

Maybe it's really the best choice, he
thought as he reached for his phone. Maybe he really needed someone to talk to.
Not only were he and Tom close, but Tom was also another wolf so he might be
able to see his problems the way he saw them.

“Hey Tom can u do me a favor?", he

No, not

“Hey wolf can we talk?"


“Hey Tom u mind if I come over to your place this Friday after

should work. Kevin sent the text and sighed, putting the phone down. He felt
powerless; maybe this really was “the power of reality" Vilkas often joked
about. Reality tended to throw bricks at someone's face in the most unfortunate
of moments.

His phone
then buzzed. Kevin glanced at the display, showing a new text from Tom.

He's not sleeping? he thought as he opened the

Tom Wolf: “Ya cuy, just come over :) You're not sleeping? It's
almost midnight"

He typed
his reply. “Can't sleep. Also ur not

Tom Wolf: “Someone next door's baby is crying and I wake up easily

Kevin let
out a small sigh. “That's a weird

Tom Wolf: “Yeah."

Tom Wolf: “Reckon I'll try to go back to sleep now. You can just
come over, or you want to meet somewhere?"

He typed
his reply. “How bout walkirie station"

Tom Wolf: “Sure. Text me when you're there. I get off work at 17"

Tom Wolf: “Wait on Friday I get off work at 16"

“Sure sure. Txs wolf ????"

his phone, he put it back down. Back to trying to sleep, maybe. However, it
buzzed again.

took it again. This time, there was a text from Shaun.

Shaun: “I dunno if ur asleep or not but I just wanna give u an
update. Moms being transferred to ICU. A few hours ago she had more seizures.
Doctor said thats just her body rejecting the medication, so she needs to be
stabilized first. Don't worry, shes fine now"

The red
wolf panicked a little but quickly calmed down. His mother was stable, that was
the most important.

Shaun: “I just got off from work pulling double shifts cuz one of
my coworkers resigned ffs I didnt even have dinenr"

Shaun: “*dinner"

Wait, did
Shaun just say…?

“Thanks for the update man. Wait you said one of your coworkers

Shaun: “Yeah he resigned yesterday, wdya?"

“Is the position open rn?"

Shaun: “Yea but dunno about that, they say its open but looks like
someones gonna be transferred here instead"

Shaun: “Wait u wanna apply?"

would mean he had to go home and work with Shaun. That seemed like a bad idea
until he remembered that he'd have a job there, not worry about rent too much,
and be close to his mother.

Shaun: “Fuck off fag dont u dare"

“Stfu straight u wanna pay rent all by yourself or what"

He locked
his phone, ignoring the next messages. That might be the best option for now,
but that would mean he was to leave Barrowisle.

weighed his options. Even though he didn't really want to live in
Ausalt-on-Haye anymore and wanted to live here in Barrowisle instead, there was
an urgent vacancy and he'd also pay less rent, not to mention he could be near
his mother if this really were her final days…

No! Fuck! No!

Yes, he
was going back to Ausalt-on-Haye. He would stay there till he had enough money
to buy a house in Barrowisle. Mike said that houses here were not very
expensive. He could easily get a big enough house in a newly-built
neighbourhood for just five thousand euros as a down payment.

might be the best option. He really had to start moving now. No more slacking
off. Time was running out. Reality had been punching him, now it was his time
to punch back. Her mother was waiting on the hospital berth.

For now,
he rolled to his side and let out a sigh, staring at the clock. He missed Octo,
and he could only wish for one more night with him. He loved his mother, and he
could only wish to spend her remaining days together. He cared for Shaun, and
he could only wish for their relationship to get better. He… loved himself, and
he could only wish to stop hating himself and give himself a chance.

With the
clock showing that it was midnight, he could only utter with a sad smile,
“Happy fucking 25th birthday, Kevin."

“Fuck, I
hate windy days."

Next to
him, Tom laughed. “Because you know you look cute in it but too scared to admit

off. I'm not cute." Kevin threw an end of his scarf behind as they went inside
Tom's flat building. “Besides, the wind turns my fluff into a disaster."

beamed. “It makes your fluffy fluff fluffier!"

bigger wolf looked at the smaller wolf. Tom's fluff was even messier than him,
but he didn't seem to care. He had to admit, though, Tom looked even fluffier.
Giving a grunt, Kevin just looked away and climbed the stairs. “You look fluffy."

Tom just

inside Tom's flat, he let Tom take his shoes and jacket off first before doing
the same. The flat looked tidy as usual, he noticed as he took his scarf off
and went inside. Sitting down on the sofa, he gave a sigh. He plucked some of
the furs on his arm. “Ugh, sometimes I wish my fur was all red or something.
White fur is fuckin' hard to clean."

“Same. My
inner fur is light grey but still hard to clean off." Tom said as he went into
the bedroom. “Eh, just come to the bedroom."

huffed, standing up to move there. Inside, Tom was changing his clothes. His
mind was too occupied to care, though. When the grey wolf noticed him coming
inside, he blushed and tried to cover his body. “Nice dick, bro." Kevin said as
he sat down on the bed and leant on the backrest, still plucking the fur on his

“I'm still wearing pants!"

yeah." He replied, then began combing his fluff with his fingers to at least
make it not look like a disaster. “You got any comb?"

drawer in the nightstand. Eh, want to brush?"

shrugged and took the comb. “Sure."

“Wait, I'll
get us some drinks."

He gave a
mrf. When he was combing his fluff, Max came into the room, still fully clothed
in his work uniform. Kevin just looked at him briefly, still combing his fluff.

walked to the closet. “What are you doing here?"

“Just wanna
talk with my bro." He sighed. “Things've been rough lately."

noticed that Max sounded rather suspicious, but when he continued, he sounded
concerned. “Really? You okay, Kev?" asked the shepherd as he took the uniform

shrugged, still not looking at him. “Feels like I fell from a ladder and the
ladder hit me in the face, so yeah, I wanna borrow Tom for a while if you don't

sprayed some deodorant on himself. “Just don't do anything weird to him, okay?"

Don't want a brick falling on my face, thanks."

“Eh, yeah
Max, sorry about this but yeah, we want to talk for a bit." Tom said as he went
inside, a tray of watermelon, a jug of water, and two glasses in his hands.
“Also, please don't come inside, ya?"

Said dog
looked curious. “What? You're his alpha or something, Tom? Interesting." Max
chuckled and put some fresh clothes on. Kevin only reddened at that. “Teach him
well, okay?"


shepherd turned to Kevin. “Don't try anything funny, Kev. And you done with
that comb?"

yeah." He threw the comb to the dog who caught it.

exited the room and closed the door. Tom put the tray down and beckoned Kevin
to come. Kevin moved to sit on the rug on the floor and took his t-shirt and
trousers off. “Where's the brush?"

Tom did
the same. “Nightstand, middle drawer."

straightened his pants and took the brush.

brush you first." Tom said. “Give me your back."

the grey wolf's soft touches, Kevin let out a sigh. This felt good, a lot
better than when he was doing it himself. Tom's touches were soft and precise.
He would miss this.

“Your fur
is really falling off. Your last shedding wasn't as bad as this."


“So, want
to talk about it?" Tom asked as they got comfortable. “Are you okay, Kev?
You've been looking stressed since in the station."

gave another sigh. This was it. He was here. He should open himself up. Tom
would be understanding. Tom would not shove him off and tell him that he was
weak. “Lately, I've been… uh… stressed." He scratched his cheek, feeling
ashamed and sad. “Octo and I, we broke up."

You two broke up?" Tom asked, surprise in his voice. “Sorry to hear that, Kev.
What happened?"

He took
one slice of the watermelon, swallowing it as well as his pride. “Basically, he
saw me 'bout to fuck someone else." He gulped. “But I wasn't cheating, I fucked
him because I… I…"


After a
long pause, he finally answered. “I needed money."

hands brushed his back more softly. Don't
pity me
, he wanted to say to the smaller wolf. “I… uh… I'm really sorry to
hear that, Kev." Tom sighed and stopped brushing. “I'm really sorry."

He wanted
to growl but held back. Tom sounded sincere. Accepting pity was not something
not masculine. “Thanks, Tom." He instead said, his shoulders sagging. He put
the slice of watermelon down and continued, “But yeah, we were gonna fuck
'cause I needed the money. But then Octo saw us and it went downhill from
there. We broke up that night, a few days ago."

The grey
wolf continued brushing him. “Did you… uh… get your money?"

not. Now I'm alone, poor, and dumb." He laughed dryly. “I almost missed two
months of rent, my mother is sick, damn, doesn't life really like me?"

almost missed two months of rent? And your mother… I hope she gets well soon."


“Do you…
need any help with that?"

He gulped
and turned around to look at the grey wolf. “Actually, yeah… uh… do you have
six hundred euros I could borrow? I want to pay the rent and go back home."

you're going back home? To Ausalt-on-Haye?"

slumped. “…yeah. I don't have any choice. My brother said there's an opening
where he works, so I wanna try there. Besides, I wanna take care of my mom."

looked away, taking the information in. He looked… sad. Kevin wished the floor
would swallow him now. He wasn't sure just how low he was in front of Tom, his…
big brother. Somehow, he felt like… he had failed him, too. “So, this is a
goodbye, then?" said the smaller wolf, looking at him.

don't make it sound depressing, wolf. It's not that I'll be gone forever. I'll
go back here when I have enough money. Living in Ausalt-on-Haye sucks, you

“Do you…
want a hug?"

off." Kevin told him and looked away, maybe a bit more forceful than necessary.
This already cost him his pride. He did not want to throw what was left of it.
Yet, he didn't do anything when Tom put his hands on his arms, only saying,
“Tom… get off…" whilst still looking away. Tom gently pulled him closer, and he
had to close his eyes as tears began to form.

sorry, Kevin." Tom said softly, stroking his back.

those words, his resolve crumbled. He let the smaller wolf hug him, then slowly
hugged him back. He hid his face in the crook of Tom's neck, sobbing softly,
glad for his packmate's compassion. No one had ever done this to him before,
not since his mother. Tom did not say anything, just stroking his fluff softly.

For the
first time in so long, he allowed himself to cry and let his emotions go.