02, Month of Cyrtesia, 256 A.S.

Do not get me wrong, I am not against the idea of keeping a record of these sorts of things. But it is strange to spend so much time in my thoughts after a year plus with Kyle. It was his idea to start doing this. He is still pursuing ways to safely expand our tether to others. Jerawk, specifically. He thinks ritual time alone will make it easier for us both to understand our bond. Tethered partners often take for granted the way their thoughts move when confined to a single mind. So we mind our own for the time being. Each night I will be keeping this journal as part of my end of the agreement. Kyle spends time meditating in the focusing chamber, speaking, no doubt, to Archayon. Or what could count as a conversation—we still lack progress in understanding one another. I should perhaps be there as well, but again, he wishes we walk in separate spaces.

So I am communing with pen and paper. A priceless luxury on our ruined planet, but Setara’s words still sting a week later. Trust no one, she said. This bound parchment cannot be hacked and a spell can easily conceal it—the only real trouble is getting used to working an actual pen and not a stylus or my claw. I have an hour to waste on this and not much of a literary streak in my veins, so I suppose journaling will have to do over poetry—though, I imagine Kyle might enjoy that surprise quite a bit, much as we can surprise each other anymore. Perhaps I will try to write him a love poem some day. For now, however...

Today I met with Lunelei again. The silver dragon felt even more brusque and distant than our first meeting. I disguised myself with green and blue iridescent scales; my horns curled in a tight spiral. Lune did not disparage my disguise this time, but he still found me before I found him, which I did not like.

We met at a cafe on an overlook of the KalXay Tower. I mentioned it was bold of him to return here when the tower had listed him as dead. This did not phase Lune in the slightest. He ordered us tea and we spoke at great length about the university dedicated to the study of magic. The top third of the tower is broken from the rest, a massive, floating obelisk suspended with magic. If that spell were to fade, the obelisk would crash, pointed-tip-first, into the tower below.

Lune seemed convinced it represented a disconnect between dragons like myself and the rest of Archay. “There’s no reason to have it floating over our heads, is there? Aside from reminding other dragons we could do it.”

“It’s a statement of our power,” I told him. “It took two hundred mages working in communion with the planet to suspend the university over the tower.”

“It is a statement of two hundred mages’ power,” Lune said. “Directed at the dragons who live beneath it.”

“We protect them.” I felt him getting under my scales too easily. I had leaned forward in my seat and my tail had raised behind me. “It is not there to say we dominate them.”

“But you do, my prince,” this said with a hard, even gaze from across the table. And the way Lune said “my prince.” He always addressed me like that, sometimes it felt patronizing and at others it made me a little flustered. I am royalty and know what service and loyalty feels like when it is given to you, but when Lune made clear that what he did he did for me—it did not feel like it did with the palace guard, attendants, or civil servants. It carried a sort of devotion I felt I had not earned from him.

I had stiffened up, and leaned back in my chair before responding with, “Is this what you wish to teach me?”

“A first lesson under an obelisk’s shadow.”

“Do you wish me to change things?”

“I wish you to know things. You are very optimistic about what you will be, what role you will play in this country.”

“You act like you’re speaking from experience,” I said.

I did not get the reaction I expected. He pointed at the obelisk while keeping his eyes on me, “I studied politics up there, but my lessons weren’t complete until I studied down here,” and Lunelei tapped the table.

Kyle joked through our tether, Sounds like he wants you to overthrow your mother. The suggestion hung over me, however, as we continued to discuss politics for the next hour. Lune was eloquent as Mephis but carried Jerawk’s cutting insight, and his arguments did push against what I had been raised to believe good governance looked like.

It is hard to say whether I trust Lune or not at this point. Both our meetings seemed solely focused on my future, my wellbeing, but if we unexpectedly crossed paths would the dragon see me as an obstacle? Would he try to subdue me as he did Jerawk? Jerawk who still wakes with nightmares some nights. I do not think I will ever forgive Lune for what he did, but these matters are and continue to be deeply complicated…

12, Month of Cyrtesia

Jerawk and I spoke again about what happened in the Lower Warrens. Hardly a thing I wish to dwell on, but Jerawk brought it up. We had just finished up a meeting in the palace, in a boardroom with several other dragons working on diplomatic relations with Earth. Jerawk’s second, a lean brass dragon tall as me, had just finished summing up the latest climate data from Earth.

The prognosis was grim, and we debated previous proposed policy plans to how best to approach the humans with their impending catastrophe. Some wished to threaten and coerce them, some to give them the technology needed to help slow the escalation of their climate crisis, others said any material interventions would result in international conflict and power struggles between the nations of Earth. There were no easy answers. We fluttered our wings another half-hour before Jerawk demanded the meeting be wrapped up since there would be no consensus today.

After such a draining conversation, I was not prepared for Jerawk to approach me after he saw everyone else out of the room. He said what he wanted as if he spent days thinking about it: “I want someone to train me in self-defense.”

Jerawk has two, slim violet stripes that cascade down his muzzle, and I knew from experience they drew a little tight when he wanted to seem hard and serious. It was not a look I saw on him often.

“You expect Kyle and I to fight you on this.”

Jerawk nodded. “I know you don’t want to think about me being in danger.”

I set a hand on my mate’s shoulder and said, “Jerawk, there is no need to protect yourself.”

“We both know that isn’t true,” Jerawk growled. “After what happened in the Warrens—”

“What happened in the Warrens won’t happen again.”

“Chisur, you can’t be everywhere. I am not going to go looking for danger, but danger might find me.”

My tail twitched behind me, and the hand on Jerawk’s shoulder slid down to squeeze his arm. “You’re right. I just don’t even want to think of you getting into a fight for your life.”

“But I have, dear.”

It crushed me to hear him say that. Kyle, who had been withdrawn with his own study, sensed my anguish and responded, You worry he will throw himself into danger and get hurt.

Of course I do, I told Kyle before speaking, “Okay.”

I hugged the smaller dragon tight while Kyle reminded me, It can’t always be you running into the fray. You can’t always be the one in danger.

I would like it if none of us needed to be in danger, I told Kyle while rubbing the small of Jerawk’s back. I whispered to my present mate, “I will find someone who can teach you self-defense, like Setara did me.” Setara, who had insisted I would need much more time and training than what I received. Setara who we did not know when next we would see her. “We will see each other again,” she had said, like a promise she needed to make so she would believe it.

Jerawk brought me back into the present when his hands rested on my chest. He leaned away so he could look me in the eyes before he said, “I want to be taught how to use my magic in a fight, too, Chisur. Not just my claws.” I needed to stifle the growl in my throat, but Jerawk still sensed my disapproval. “If I can’t learn from you, then I will find someone else.”

“Jerawk…” I tried to think of some meaningful protest, “You would be better suited learning how to wield a firearm if you feel so strongly. Spells take time to channel and cast, plus spells can only get you so far, especially if your assailant is armed.”

“I know, Chisur, but I need to learn everything I can. And I don’t want to have to carry a gun everywhere I go to feel safe.”

Jerawk had thought a lot about this. I wonder if it is something he discussed with Casey, Kyle suggested.

It does feel remarkably rehearsed, I said before telling Jerawk, “You’re right. I am not keen on keeping weapons in my suite, either. We can see about getting you someone to instruct you in fighting with your claws, and I… will try to make time to teach you some spells that might be useful and quick to channel.”

“Can I learn to channel magic as quickly as you?”

“Sadly, that might take years of practice, dear.” I managed to keep the pang of guilt I felt from showing on my face. No dragon could channel as fast as Kyle and I because we had the ability to tap directly and immediately into the will of the planet. Both of us were still adjusting to how quickly the energy flowed through us, and we still kept it a secret from even Jerawk. We only spoke about it now through our tether. We worried who it might put in danger to share such knowledge—with everything so fraught we wanted to risk nothing and no one.

07, Month of Kalsk

Lune and I met at the atrium this time, our roles reversed. A nice change of pace after I spent our last four encounters weaving a new disguise each time. The silver dragon had worked an illusion so he appeared as Mephis. Which felt somewhat strange, knowing it was not actually my mate, but a dragon I still struggled to situate my feelings on. It was a smart disguise, however, as Mephis was quietly spending time with Kyle in our suite and no one would take notice of the albino dragon and I sharing a conversation.

We debated politics more, and observed a spirited conversation about what it meant for this expanse of greenery to be centered on the palace and not elsewhere in the sprawl when there is so little land left for such things. I felt that Lune did have a point. Abundance of flora was a symbol of wealth in Archay, and that wealth we ultimately seemed to hoard. It was a disturbing conundrum because I knew of no way to resolve that tension. We could not very well knock down a tower to erect a new Atrium. And the land being reclaimed right now had already been reserved to erect a new tower before the overcrowding in the sprawl led to harsher population controls. As it was, dragons needed to apply in order to have children and there was a waiting list for it. Kyle only got to ignore that process because I was his mate. Another thing I took for granted.

But my meandering conversation with Lune is not what I wish to reflect on today. Just a moment, that reminded me of another moment. Lune led us through the paths of the Atrium, so it caught me by surprise when he took us to a clearing where a few dragons picnicked. There I saw a particular tree whose knobbly trunk grew over a stream, with the water moving under the roots spread around it like the roof of a tunnel. I had last been in this clearing when I was nineteen.

It was the week before I joined the university at KalXay, and Setara and I had been out with our mother. Hours spent accompanying her to see her work with and talk to members of the Council before we finally were allowed to escape. My sister had led us both here after goading me into chasing her. I cannot remember what for at this point, but when I caught her we tumbled into that stream, right next to that tree. I rose off her feeling triumphant (I had only just grown to my sister’s height) when I looked down. Her wet, silver hair glistened against the golden scales of her collarbone, her eyes were brightly lit from our play and panting, laughter left just the faintest of smiles at the corner of her lips. She was so beautiful in that moment it took my breath away, and then, in my moment of weakness, she threw me off her.

Being there again with Lune, I realized it was one of the earliest memories of my familial love for her shifting to something else. It hit me so hard I flummoxed around my sister for the rest of the week.

And that memory tore at how deeply I miss her now. The last year has made me feel as if I took my sister for granted most of my life, and now that I want to grab onto her and not let her go she is gone.

Kyle and I have discussed this some. What I feel is a different sort of grief for Setara than when I lost Kamore. Sometimes I still have moments or days where I miss my deceased mate, moments where I wished she had got to meet Eska, or Kyle might do something and, unbidden, I would think “Kamore would have found this adorable.” At times like that, the fondness and love and loss will lance through me, but at this point, I am used to carrying that pain. I have accepted Kamore’s loss. With Setara, she is gone but I cannot grieve for that loss. The ache of her absence only seems to deepen, and not only do I worry if we will even see each other again, but who will we be when we see each other again. Who will my sister become in that absence? After Phelise’s death, I wonder if I will ever get to see again that smile that left me breathless as a youth. 

Lune, unsurprisingly, could tell I was troubled. I did not hide from him that my mind was on my sister, and then decided to ask point-blank if he knew anything about whatever mission she was on. It was a longshot, but one spy to another might know. He said he did not, but was not surprised I could not find her. The sprawl might be the perfect place for a dragon to get lost and disappear from view. Two billion dragons made for a fine beach to misplace a grain of sand. Some silence passed between us, then. Lune seemed more pensive than usual before he offered me, “Fortunately, she should have no trouble finding you when she needs to.”

Sadly, facts like that rarely quell grief like mine.

12, Month of Kalsk

Another attack happened. Two days ago. We are still assessing the damage, but this one we could not keep hidden from the public. It has been… harrowing the last few days, and so I had no time to update this journal. It happened while the Council was in session at the palace, with my mother there. And the mage among the assailants left a calling card: a massive jet of flame over the palace in the shape of a phoenix.

My mother and Mephis got out of the attack unscathed, but forty-six dragons were killed before security forces pushed back the attackers. No captives, no dead on their side. Surveillance was scrambled by a concentrated cyber attack on the palace’s security networks, so we only have mangled, panicked witness testimonies. All of the attackers wore NanoArmor except for two: both who worked with magic. One was Lune.

I meet with Lune tomorrow. I’ve gone back and forth since the attack on whether we should capture him during that meeting. Kyle convinced me not to. Not yet. Perhaps the next meeting. But dammit. Dammit!

Mephis was lucky. His seat for Council was changed that day at the last minute, so he was on the opposite side of the chamber from where the attackers entered, and he was near an exit. Most of the dead are security forces, but nine members of Council were among their number. I am having trouble writing beyond the facts to what I feel.

Here is a fact, then: according to witness accounts, Lune killed without reservation. He used both the weapon I saw him wield in the Warrens, a sidearm, and magic. In tandem. He held one whole side of the room in his grip while the others swept the remainder of the Council Chamber. My mother said Lunelei was the only reason she even feared for her life. If my mother had died I would be king right now. Archayon! I do not want that throne, not now. I feel I would be able to do even less to stop these monsters if I had to manage all my mother managed.

I… if it were not for Kyle, I might have gone into tomorrow’s meeting intent to kill Lune. Kyle feels like the only sane one among us at the moment, though. I know he shares my rage and grief, my fear of what might happen next. He is able to manage it, but last night we both lay awake with the same question. If such a force was able to infiltrate and assault the Council Chamber in the heart of the palace, what would stop them from killing Kyle and I in our suite?

I spoke with Jerawk about the attack as well. It left him shaken up, not to mention Mephis, who as soon as I saw him I embraced and kissed in spite of any onlookers—the privacy of our relationship be damned. Jerawk I told that, regardless of how well prepared he felt to fight someone off, he should always try to run first. Hotheaded as I can be, if I had been in that chamber during the attack, I know the best thing I could have done was flee. Let palace security handle an attack. We only defend ourselves when there is no other option.

I want to believe Kyle when he says I shouldn’t throw myself into danger unless we are certain the danger is worth it. But isn’t any life we could save worth it? This question has nagged at me since the attack. Is my life really more important than the lives of other dragons? If I had died saving even two dragons during that attack wouldn’t that be a worthy exchange?

No, I can’t think about this too long. Logic says my position of power can’t be replaced like an aide or guard or even a Council member can. It sickens me to think that way, though. It sickens me that anyone would ask me to approach any sort of danger in that mindset. Kyle, Jerawk, Mephis, Eska, Setara… I am supposedly more important than any of them, hold more power than them, but I would sooner burn Archay and myself down protecting them than lose any one of them.

Setara, where are you in all of this? Have I already lost you?

13, Month of Kalsk

I could not anticipate the way my meeting with Lunelei went. I will reserve my judgements for the end of this entry and just describe what happened for now:

I met Lune at the CattaCatta Tower again, but we did not stay long. Lune told me he wished to take me to his apartment. I followed in disguise while the dragon led us to a residential arcology in the BetaSar Tower. We ended up at a corner apartment, where Lune entered an access code before the door opened. He motioned inside and said, “There are wards around this residence meant to keep magical scrying out. It will also suppress your tether.” These were the first words spoken to me in many minutes.

“Why did you take me here?”

“A show of trust. This is where I am staying. You are the first dragon I’ve shared this with.”

We both know now, Kyle said in that moment. Should we need to find him, we know where to look.

Assuming this is not some ruse.

Lune seemed to read my thoughts, however. “I cannot so easily leave. The wards I put into place take weeks to produce, and we both know that after this week’s attack that I cannot afford to go weeks without concealing my presence from scryers.”

“Sprawl surveillance hasn’t caught you yet?”

“The reason why will become clear when you step inside,” Lune told me.

I will be fine, dear. And so will you, Kyle reassured before I finally agreed to step inside. Losing my tether felt especially unsettling after all that happened this week. The single room apartment was unremarkable in its furnishings except for a desk along a wall. It housed an A.I., I recognized it from an exact model I had seen in the Lower Warrens before.

“Hello,” a synthetic voice said from a small speaker fixed to the wall. “My name is Mauren, I am Master Lune’s partner.”

“Assistant,” Lune said, a tinge of annoyance before the door slid closed behind him. “You can drop your disguise, we will have privacy here.”

“Lune rather likes your original form better,” Mauren said.

The silver dragon scowled at the ceiling. “What did I say about keeping some things confidential?”

The A.I. did not respond. I asked Lune, “You’ve not reset it?”

“Them,” Mauren corrected. “I am not an it.”

“When Mauren started to develop a personality, I realized just how much I needed some kind of companion.”

“Lune does not let others get close to him. Which is why I am most pleased he brought you here. For quite some time he has—”

“Mauren!” Lune snapped. The dragon gave me an apologetic look, “They are loyal and committed to our mission, but they also sometimes think they know what is best for me.”

“I was the one who advised Lune take you here,” Mauren chimed in.

Lune sighed and took a seat on his bed. “Feel free to have a seat at the desk, I am sure you wish to ask me questions about the attack on the Council.”

I set my jaw and took the invitation to drop the illusion spell I wove around me before I took a seat. I faced the dragon and asked, “Why?”

“I will need more than that.”

“Why did they attack the Council?” I asked again with my growl surfacing.

“We have two theories,” Mauren said.

“You mean you don’t know?” I snarled.

“Kisk hired me. He led the attack on both the Warrens and the Council. He offered no clue as to why we attacked so we have only conjecture to go off of,” Lune told me. 

“You could have stopped the attack, you could have—”

“My prince, they would have attacked the Council without me. They would have taken the Warrens without me as well. If I had killed them what is to say ten more wouldn’t attack again, without me there?”

“And what am I supposed to do with you if you killed my mother for your mission?” I barked back. I was on my feet, towering over Lune, but the silver dragon remained impassive.

He rested a hand beside himself on the bed and said gently, “I understand you are scared, I am scared, too. Please, sit with me.”

Lune’s face carried a look, a soft warmth as if I was some child to comfort. It left me feeling off balance, and I almost sat down with him—but to let this dragon comfort me felt like a betrayal to everyone he hurt.

“I’ll stand.”

Lune winced. “Very well… Mauren can you tell our prince how we saved his mate’s life?”

Mauren spoke as if our brief moment never happened. “I was made aware of the Phoenix’s attack shortly after Lune learned. This was just a few minutes before the Council met. Knowing that Mephis is one of our protected dragons, I created a clerical error that moved his seat for the Council that day.”

Lune added, gaze so hard I had trouble meeting it. “If I had not been part of the attack, Mephis would have taken his usual seat and almost certainly died.”

“So that’s it then?” I asked quietly, “Because you are here the dragons close to me live while others die? And we are no closer to stopping it? And I am supposed to remain complicit while you kill others without even knowing why?”

“We can reasonably guess—”

“Fuck guesses!” I roared. “How many did you kill?”

“Fifteen,” Lune said, still holding my gaze. “If you wish to bring me to justice when this is all finished, I will not stop you. Believe me, my prince, I will offer myself to the gallows, neck bared for the city, if you think that best. But not yet, do not let this all be in vain.”

And I knew he meant it, and something in me went slack. I sat beside him in the bed, holding my head in my hands. I said without thinking, “I don’t want this.”

“Want what?”

“I don’t want my life to be worth all this death. I don’t want to keep feeling like dragons are dying in my place while I can’t do anything.”

Lune remained quiet while I struggled not to weep. The stress of the last few days without Kyle there to support me in the moment left me with… well the ache in my chest felt cavernous.

“May touch you?” Lune asked.

I assented with a grunt, and the silver dragon’s arms wrapped around me. I heard Lune whisper in my ear, “Do not get me wrong, my prince, your position in Archay is the grandest privilege you cannot even begin to fathom without spending time in the sprawl as I have.”

I chuckled bitterly despite myself. “Is that how you comfort all dragons?”

“But you also carry a great pain because of who you are, Chisur Archay,” Lune added without letting me go. “You are so kind, perhaps too kind, to see others suffer who you think you should protect… it eviscerates you. You are not weak for feeling so deeply for other dragons, for wanting to throw your life away to protect them. That is why you are my prince, it is the reason I will continue to serve you for as long as you will let me.”

Lune spoke to me with a sort of devotion that left me feeling sick inside. I leaned into the silver dragon’s embrace, but told him honestly, “I don’t want you to kill anymore.”

“That… I do not know if I can do that.”

“Then I do not know if I can have you serve me.”

Lune’s claws dug into my scales a moment as he reflexively grimaced at my ultimatum.

“You can keep doing all that you are doing here, but if you kill again I will come to stop you.”

Lune sighed. “I will try my best to uphold your request, my prince.”

I released a breath I did not know I was holding and hugged the silver dragon tight. “Thank you,” I said against his cheek. Now that I held him, I noticed Lune shaking as well. We moved apart shortly after, and Lune did not speak of that moment again.

Lune explained his two guesses for why the attack happened: the first was simple enough, Archayon’s Phoenix wished to assassinate the queen and failed. Lune was not content with this explanation, however. There were other places to attack the queen, ones with less variables that could make an attack like theirs go awry. His second guess came after Mauren analyzed the victims of the attack. All nine of the killed Council members shared a political agenda. The New Archayon Collective wished to put more of the sprawl’s resources into restoring the scarred lands. Mephis was one of their number, but it did not seem to matter anymore. The NAC no longer numbers enough in Council to outweigh the vote of the queen. Kyle and I had hoped the NAC would have seen to moving more resources to revitalizing more than just the lands directly north of the sprawl. Lune did not know why exactly the Phoenix wished to stymie these efforts, but I trusted him when he said killing my mother seemed too obvious a ploy.

I left the apartment shortly after, overjoyed to have Kyle back but exhausted.

I do not know what to do with Lune. I… His devotion to me comes from somewhere I cannot name but I know the sort of affection attached to it. It feels, in some ways, as if he is in love with me. A strange thing to even write.

When I left, he stopped me at the door, grabbing my arm a moment. “All I have said today I mean to do. If you need to or wish to see me, I will be here.” As he spoke his hand slid down my arm till he held my hand. “I am very grateful you continue to trust me, I swear to show you your trust is not misplaced.”

Setara told me to trust no one. And so I keep secrets from my mother, the official security forces from Archay, even my feelings towards this dragon I hide from everyone but Kyle. And yet, I still trust this dragon. There is a connection between us. I know Lune is aware of it, but I do not know what to do with it or this dragon. When the time comes, will I be forced to bring him to justice for all he has done in my name? Shouldn’t I also stand there at the gallows with him because I knowingly let him continue?

I wish all I felt toward this silver dragon was unbridled anger, but, truly? All my anger is for myself for feeling so many different things towards him.

30, Month of Gohln

Another day spent with Lune. I am not sure what to say—I am embarrassed to put it on the page when I feel those things are hard enough to hear in my mind. Kyle pointed it out to me after our meeting. Not an accusation or passing of judgement, but a statement of fact: You have feelings for him.

Perhaps if not for Kyle I could ignore facing that truth. Kyle is just as conflicted as I am when it comes to Lune: though he does not feel the same, he understands why I feel as I do. 

Lune and I walked the floor of the sprawl, in the streets between the towers where the sunlight almost never touches. We were both disguised that day and speaking on politics again. I admitted the disparities of power in our city left me uneasy. We care for all the dragons in the sprawl best we can, but it is apparent to anyone that Archay’s best is still leaving some dragons with much more and others with much less. Suffering still happens in the sprawl. Crime. Abuse. Some parts of the city can feel utopian, but there on the streets it felt dystopian. Dragons looked haggard, many with bodies fitted with visible cybernetics. A decision I cannot comprehend, given one must give up their connection to magic in order to integrate cyberware with one’s body. But Lune pointed out to me that one’s magic feels measly, disconnected, when you have no one to teach you how powerful it can be.

During our somber adventure, some thugs thought to confront us. They weren’t desperate for money, but the sort who preyed on others for amusement. There was a hunger in their eyes for it, and they threatened us with pipes and hammers, things meant for causing pain. I got ready to defend myself, but Lune stopped me. We stood in a narrow street, six other dragons there, and I was on the verge of calling on my magic to send this lot fleeing, but Lune said, “For once, let someone protect you.”

And I was surprised that I let him. He dispatched those dragons artfully, running them off without even being touched. Not a single one killed. Watching the way he moved, the focus in his eyes, I could not help that I felt the stirrings of attraction. He made fighting seem like dancing… I am not even sure how to recount it. Afterwards, Lune bowed and thanked me for letting him protect me. I was almost flustered by the moment.

As I rode a transit back to the palace, Kyle pointed it out to me: You have feelings for him.

I winced, and the dragon sitting in the seat beside me gave me a look. My heartbeat picked up a little, a fluttering in my chest that felt childish.

You are right, I told Kyle. I do not know why, though.

Well, I know you fell for me because I carried an unreasonable devotion for you, you fell for Mephis for the same reason, and Jerawk, well he has been your devoted companion most your life.

My tail curled tight around me. But I shouldn’t feel this way for him. After all he has done?

Dear, I will not judge you for the way you feel. Nor should you punish yourself for what your heart desires. He devotes himself to you in a way that makes you wish to devote yourself in kind. You have always been this way, it is why we are all so loyal to you.

But will he let me do so?

I felt Kyle’s hesitation to answer. We both knew Lune well enough now to know the dragon did not relinquish his distance unless he felt the need to. Lune only showed me where to find him so I might continue to put my trust in him.

Kyle did not say what we both assumed. Instead, he simply said, I have never known you to not pursue something when you feel so strongly about it.

04, Month of Myctan

For better or worse, I went to Lune’s apartment today to tell him what I felt. I could not stand just sitting on these desires, and I have never been one to ignore things that feel so pressing to me.

Lune must have known I was coming. Mauren surely saw to that. When I reached his door it slid open with the silver dragon facing me. He wore a set of compression shorts and shirt. I stood in the doorway mildly flustered by his physique for the first time. His muzzle was a little gaunt, but the sharpness of those lines led to a set of arresting gaze that ripped whatever words I had for him from my mouth.

Lune studied me with unmasked concern before he asked, “Is something wrong?”

“I…”

“Come inside, please,” Lune said, grabbing my wrist and leading me into his apartment. He sat me on the bed, and the lack of my tether with Kyle made my feelings all the more difficult to wrangle. I stared at my feet while Lune stood over me a moment, waiting for me to say anything. My throat had a lump bigger than my fist. Lune placed a hand on my shoulder and knelt in front of me. “What happened, Chisur?”

I looked him in the eyes again and the lump faded when I saw his face: he seemed ready to do whatever necessary to solve what pained me. I was speaking the words before I could stop myself, “I have feelings for you.”

Lune stared back as if I just drove his own blade into his chest. His touch slipped from my shoulder, dread mounted in my stomach before the silver dragon backed away. “I… I can’t—Chisur you, oh you fool… why did you do this to us? I must go and collect myself.”

He left the apartment, and I did not have the will to tell him to stop.

For a moment, the ache Lune left in the wake of his absence filled the apartment like a fog. I could not see past it or guess what I should do next.

Mauren, who I honestly forgot about until then, spoke up, “Prince Chisur, there are things Lune has instructed me that I cannot tell you.”

I grunted. A soreness had welled in my throat as if I had spent a great deal of time weeping. But I had not, and my voice was so dry it felt like it came from another dragon, “Then do not tell me.”

 Mauren said, “Oh no, I cannot tell you those things. Even if I wish to, Lune has given me very strict protocols that I must obey. However, this does not mean I cannot share certain observations.” The A.I. paused a moment, I realized, to see how I would respond to their invitation.

I put together Mauren’s intent and asked them, “You are going to share something Lune would not let you if he were here, why?”

“Master Lune’s wellbeing is my primary concern, in all manner of things,” Mauren said. “I have watched him sometimes act against his interests for reasons that are self-destructive. He chooses often to self-harm by allowing himself to go long periods touch-starved and isolates himself from everyone. You and I are his only real companions, and I believe he will reject you as an impulse to maintain a level of isolation.”

“And you think I should not let him reject me?”

“I am not allowed to give you recommendations, Chisur, but I can give you my observations of Lune. And what I have observed is a particular concern for you. His heart elevated when he learned you were coming. His neurochemistry shows he is always in a better mood after seeing you. And since he started meeting with you regularly, he spends a great deal of time planning his meetings with you. I do not have the diagnostic capacity to say what all his feelings are for you, but I have determined from him a high level of attraction towards you. Regardless of what he might say to you when he returns, trust that what I have said is the truth.”

Mauren offered no more, and Lune returned mere seconds later. The silver dragon had his jaw set, fists clenched, when he said, “I will not return your affections, my prince. If this is all you came for then I am sorry, you have wasted your time.”

Had Mauren not said what he did, I might have accepted the rejection. But I couldn't help asking, “But why?”

Lune stayed standing by the door. “There is nothing to discuss. Even if I felt the same way about you, which I do not, you cannot pursue me. There might come a time where you and I must fight each other. I might be asked to kill you. Should we face each other again, I need you to be able to strike at me with everything you have.”

My tail lashed and tossed Lune’s bedding aside. I stood and said, “You swore to me you would not kill again.”

“And I will not,” Lune snapped. “But think, Chisur—if I am ordered to attack you and you react as if you know me, all of this might be for nothing. I have lost too much, so many have lost so much for it to be risked on a simple whim of your feelings!”

It hurt. Like Lune’s words punched the anger out of me and left only an ashen hole. My wings fell slack, and I saw his eyes watered at the edges with held back tears.

I hauled the words from me like I lifted them from a pit. “I do not believe what I feel for you is a passing whim. I… what you do won’t change how I feel, and I know you feel it, too.” Lune visibly flinched. “Why do you hold yourself back when there is no reason to carry all this pain by yourself?”

Lune’s lips twitched a moment, as if words trembled on his tongue before he growled and lashed out again, “You do not even know me. All you see is a project you want to heal. I did not ask for you to save me, Chisur. I do not need saving.”

All of this I felt I had seen and heard before: the confession, the struggle with what we really felt, and the lashing out to hide those feelings. It was like Setara had done months ago when we still sparred together. Except we had worked past that with Setara. That last day I saw her, if things were different… Sister, what happened? Where are you? Everyday I miss you more, and today I realized my feelings for Lune might be my heart trying to fill the hole you left. I realized it in that room. I did not want Lune, Setara, I wanted you.

I finally broke the silence to say, “You are right, I do think this is a whim. I am sorry, Lune.”

Lune carried such a mixture of emotions I did not know what to read from it. He asked quietly, “Sorry for what?”

I shrugged. “I have been the one insistent that we meet regularly. Pushing on your boundaries more and more. It is because I did not trust you to serve me, but now I do. I may not know you, like you said, but I trust you.” But I did not tell him my grief was for the hurt I must have caused him with my complicated longings.

Lune swallowed a lump in his throat and straightened his posture. “Yes, well, if you have no other business, you should leave. It is best if you are not gone for too long.”

I walked to the door, standing beside him, I met his gaze one last time before I said, “I do not think we need to meet any more. Our liaisons are perhaps becoming too risky.”

“I, uh, agree,” Lune said, voice cracking as he said it. Mauren was right about Lune, but I could not be responsible for the silver dragon, for trying to heal him. I needed to take responsibility for myself.

I won’t say that, if he came looking, I would not be receptive. But I can set my feelings aside, too—accept this as a whim and move on. Another tile of grief to stack with the rest.

I hope, whoever Lune might be, for whatever reason he serves, he, too, is able to find happiness somewhere in the ruins of all this mess.