\n 'Spade Jack.'
\n 'Hmm...'
\n 'What'll it be, kitten?'
\n 'Hold on, I'm thinking...'
\n 'It's your decision to call the top card.'
\n 'Diamonds.'
\n 'Oh, how convenient. Diamond eight, skip a turn, spade eight, skip a turn, spade Ace, my turn again, spade seven and to end it, a spade two. You'll have to pick two from the stack, dear.'
\n 'You sure you wanna do that, nana?'
\n 'Oh yes, kitten.'

\n I took a closer at my grandmother's face... She was unaware of the two cards I held in my hand that one of them was a joker... I could easily win this game from her... I saved the joker as a last resort and I knew this would be the perfect opportunity to use it and claim ultimate victory... So I placed the Joker on the stack of cards and grinned at my grandmother.
\n 'Ha! Seven cards...'
\n 'Hihi...'

\n And at that moment, she showed me another Joker from her card and placed it on the stack. Seems I wasn't the only one who kept the Joker as a last resort...
\n 'You should've just picked two cards, kitten... Now you'll have to pick twelve.'
\n 'Uh...'
\n 'Have you got any two's or a Joker left?'
\n 'No...'

\n "I was so close to beat her!" But, rules are rules so I reluctantly picked twelve cards from the stack...
\n 'Whadda ya make of it?'
\n 'Hearts.'
\n 'Heart ace, Heart seven, Clubs seven, Clubs queen.'
\n 'Diamond queen. Last card...'

\n "Crap, last card... Her last card is probably diamonds... If I play diamonds, she'll win the game... What's best to do..." I looked at my cards and tried to think of a way not to lose... I still have a diamond Jack which means I can change the suit from Diamonds to whichever I like... I have a lot of spades that needs to get rid of... So I placed the Jack on the stack...
\n 'What'll it be?'
\n 'Spades...'

\n And at that moment, she pulls out a Spades Queen and placed it on the stack while she smiled at me... Then it was all over for me...

\n My grandmother taught me this card game several years back and it's something we played regularly whenever I was visiting her. The game is called "Pesten" and its Daijirian, which loosely translates to "bully". And well, "bullying" sure is a good name for the game. Still, it's a lot of fun and it only gets better when more people play the game. It basically starts with a deck of playing cards as each player receives seven cards. A top card will be opened and the player sitting clockwise from the dealer gets to start. You can only lay a card down if it has a matching suit. For example, if the top card is Diamonds, you can not lay down Spades or something. It's also allowed to play a card if the card has a matching number or figure, for example, a Spade five and a Clubs five. Every one takes a turn and place a card down with the right suit or number. But here's the thing; some cards are called "bullying" cards. If someone lays down an Ace, it'll change the order of players to counter clockwise until another player plays a different Ace. Very handy whenever someone sitting next to you has only one more card left... The two forces the player next to you to pick two cards from the stack. Then there's the seven. The seven allows you to lay down all the cards of the same suit you're holding. The eight will force the player next to you to skip a turn. A Jack will allow you to change the suit of the top card and the king gives you the opportunity to lay down another card. The Joker is considered the most precious card of them all. As soon as that one gets to be the top card, the player next to you is forced to pick five cards from the stack. Also, the player who played the Joker is allowed to change the suit to whatever he or she likes. Whenever a two or a Joker gets to be the top card, the player can counter it with another two or a Joker. So if anyone lays down a two and the player next to him a Joker, the player next has to pick seven cards in total. And of course, he can also lay down a two or a Joker if he has one in his possession which only increases the amount of cards a player has to pick. The unlucky one has to take them all from the stack... If you're not able to lay down a card, you must pick one from the stack and if you pulled the right card, you're allowed to play that card. If not, your turn is over. The goal is to get rid of all of your cards, first one who can ditch them all, wins. Oh, and of course, if you only have one more card left, you must tap twice or say "last card". If you play your last card without letting other players know you have the last card, you must pick two from the stack. Also, you're not allowed to finish with a "bully" card. Everyone who does must take two cards from the stack. A very easy game to master but a lot of fun nonetheless...

\n But that day, I wasn't really focused on anything... For the past several weeks, I couldn't get my mind off of Samantha and that kiss we shared. And even though I knew that kiss meant nothing, I kept thinking about it. Hoping that it might be more than just a simple kiss... Fact was, I didn't know what to do to know for sure. The weeks after that kiss, Samantha and I pretended as if nothing ever happened but to me, it was difficult to forget. Once again, I found myself stuck in a situation that didn't really seem so easy to get out from...
\n 'Would you like to play another game?'
\n 'Hm? Oh, uh... Maybe later...'
\n 'Why so glum, kitten?'
\n 'Well... You know Samantha, right?'
\n 'The girl who invited you to the gym a while ago?'
\n 'Yes, her. A few weeks ago, she kissed me...'
\n 'She did?'
\n 'Yes...'
\n 'That's wonderful!'
\n 'No, it's not! She only kissed me to know what its like to kiss another girl... That's all there is to it...'
\n 'Do you like her?'
\n 'Yes! I do! More then you know... She pulled me out of this shithole I was in for so long and made me enjoy my life again but now...'
\n 'Yes...?'
\n 'Now it feels as if I'm just being used... She doesn't have the same feelings I feel for her and yet she kissed me... That whole kiss revolved around her curiosity "just to know what it's like"... I just can't forget it and...'
\n 'And...?'
\n 'It only caused me to feel more attracted to her than I already felt after that kiss...'
\n 'Does she know you have feelings for her?'
\n 'No, she doesn't...'
\n 'I see...'
\n 'Why did she had to ruin everything?! Everything was perfect exactly the way it was! I know exactly where our friendship is heading right now. I've been through that once... And I don't want to go through that again... So... Maybe... Maybe it's best if I'm not seeing her anymore...'
\n 'You want to give up on her? After everything she did for you?'
\n 'No, I don't want to... But maybe it's best for the both of us before anything happens again... Maybe I'm just someone who isn't meant to be with anybody else...'

\n At that point, I supported my head on the table and closed my eyes as I tried to get everything straight for myself. Some people consider a broken teenage heart as something that'll heal quickly as time goes by. But I've been through so many things to know what immature love is. That wasn't the case with me and Sarah... And not with Samantha... Sarah had the same feelings for me but Samantha didn't... I was dieing for her love and affection... I only felt more attracted to her as each day passed by to the point it drove me insane... To know she doesn't have the same feelings is awful... But that kiss... I just couldn't forget... I tried to get my thoughts and feelings straight but just as I thought I had them all in a line, my mind was spinning out of control as the scared and the insecure feelings came back... And at that point, I felt as if I could cry any minute... My grandmother caressed my hair gently and looked at me...
\n 'You're a wonderful young lady, you know that...?'
\n 'Heh... I wouldn't be so sure of it... Everything was so different when Sarah and I were still together... It's just so different with Samantha... I just don't know what to do anymore, nana...'
\n 'Speak up your mind, kitten... Tell her what you feel for her. Tell her everything you want her to know. Tell her how that kiss made you feel. You're not the only one feeling insecure about it...'
\n 'I know but she doesn't have any feelings for me. She literally told me that she wanted to know what its like to kiss a girl... She just used me as a tool to find out...'

\n My grandmother looked at me while she kept caressing my hair. Her words were comforting... Her voice was soothing... It stayed quiet for a while as her blue eyes kept staring at me... I expected some advice or to hear more wise words from her but I think that even my grandmother didn't had an answer... But I was wrong... Then she told me something that stayed with me for the rest of my life... Something I never forget... Something I live by... Something I cherish the most...
\n 'You know, kitten... Behind every sign of affection someone gives you, there's always a meaning behind it. Samantha kissed you for a reason that goes deeper than just to find out for herself... Out of all the girls she could've kissed to see what it's like, she picked you. She might not have the same feelings for you but she trusts you the most, otherwise she wouldn't have kissed you. If you were just a mere tool to be used, you would've left her weeks ago... I know what its like and I know who you are. You'd see through that... And I pity the poor fella who's trying to use you...'
\n 'Why...?'
\n 'Because, you have a red belt in Tae Kwon Do.'
\n 'Hehehe...'
\n 'It's so easy to see through people's true intentions, kitten... You just have to open your eyes... I heard all those wonderful stories you told me about Samantha. And I doubt that someone as sweet as her will use someone. The only logical thing to do is to talk to her about it... And then you'll find out why she kissed you...'

\n Seeing through people's true intentions... It's easy to find out if you play it right. Ask the right questions and follow your intuition and feelings to find out. I did when I was younger; I followed my feelings and yet I found out the hard way it wasn't meant to be. I learned much from those experiences... Not everyone can be trusted... Samantha trusted me but was I able to trust her as well...? Samantha did so much for me and pulled me out of that shithole I was in and yet I was still distrusting towards her... My grandmother was right. I had to talk to Samantha about everything. And maybe I was just blowing things out of proportions... Maybe I was just afraid for what might happen next... But my grandmother also told me that you shouldn't be afraid to take risks in life... And Samantha was worth every risk...

\n When I saw Samantha that Monday after school, she wasn't as cheerful as she always was. I found her sitting on a bench in front of school looking down while she was holding a cigarette. "I didn't know she smoked..." When I sat next to her, she didn't even respond... And when I looked at her, I noticed the tears going down her cheek... It's so sad to see her cry... She looked absolutely shattered... I placed an arm around her shoulder and held her hand... She opened her eyes and smiled weakly as she placed an arm around me and rested her head on my shoulder...
\n 'What's wrong, Sammi...? Why are you crying...?'
\n 'Devon broke up with me...'
\n 'What? Why? Just like that?'
\n 'Yeah... He was seeing another girl... He didn't even bother to keep it a secret from me...'
\n 'What'd he do?'
\n 'Having e-mails deliberately opened on his computer, text messages on his phone and everything... I saw it last Saturday when I was spending the night with him...'
\n 'Oh...'
\n 'I just talked to him about everything... And all he had to say about it was that he found a girl who's more "willing"...'
\n 'Is he referring to your, uh...?'
\n 'Maybe... I guess that's the reason why he broke up...'
\n 'Do you want to talk about it...?'
\n 'There isn't much to talk about, Ceylan... He broke up with me because of that and I realize he's a bastard if that is the only reason...'
\n 'Want to pay him a little visit to kick his ass...?'
\n 'No, it's fine... Really...'

\n That little joke didn't really help in an attempt to cheer her up a little... I heard her sobbing quietly... Her bitter tears fell down on my shoulder... I really felt her pain, knowing that someone doesn't share the same feelings for you... "Doesn't share the same feelings for you..." It really got me thinking... I closed my eyes, as I held her tight...
\n 'Ceylan...?'
\n 'Yes...?'
\n 'Do you think I made a mistake...? That I've should've let him...?'
\n 'No... It would've been a mistake if you did... It's good that you stood your ground and drew the line... You made it clear to him and if he doesn't want to respect that, you're better off without him... Assholes like him don't deserve someone as sweet as you are... You're way too good for him...'
\n 'Heh...'
\n 'You okay...?'
\n 'Yeah, I'm fine... Thank you...'
\n 'Any time, Sam... Come on, let's go to Giuseppe's. I think a nice Dame Blanche would be a welcome distraction. My treat...'

\n Everybody knows that ice-cream is a perfect cure for a broken heart. After Sarah broke up with me, I ate a shit load of ice-cream and even gained some weight... I wasn't chubby or fat or anything but just had this little belly... Of course, with all the working out Sam and I did together, that little belly disappeared. Ice-cream isn't bad for you, it really depends how much you shove down your throat. And besides, she looked like she could really use one... So Samantha and I made our way to Giuseppe's at the mall and while we were on our way, Sam didn't say much. Even after we arrived and ordered our ice-creams, it stayed silent... Every once in a while we looked at each other... And each time I saw those beautiful green eyes of her, I felt myself drifting away... As if she was trying to tell me something... I placed my hand on hers and gently caressed the back of her hand with my thumb... Her hand felt so warm and fuzzy... I'd do anything to take her pain away and to make her forget about that fucker Devon... And I didn't know what I started to feel that day. Even though Samantha is a strong, confident girl who can easily take care of herself, I still felt I have to watch out for her. Like a hen protecting her chicks under her wings... While I was holding her hand, she looked up and smiled weakly at me... Would she kiss me again...? It wouldn't be the right time... But the way she looked at me made me feel confident... As if I made her realize that Devon is just a low life piece of shit that needs to be flicked away... It said so many things about her... That day, everything was perfect... That day, I felt ashamed to realize that I had ever distrusted her...

\n Samantha was doing great about two weeks later and turned back into the girl I fell in love with. And well, I can honestly say that it went pretty quick to get over him. That same week, Sam and I saw Devon sitting at a table with his new girl having lunch in school. Samantha looked at me but instead of throwing a tantrum, she had an evil smirk on her face and told me to watch.... So she walked up to them and sat next to that girl... Devon was surprised to say the least, especially when she talked to his girl about what an asshole he was... And when Devon tried to intervene, she shushed him and told him the grown ups were talking... So fucking hilarious... I was in stitches... Well, of course Devon had his "reputation" to save so he started a fight with Samantha, and called her a bitch and a cunt and well... Sam doesn't take that kind of shit from anyone.... And what she did next was totally unheard of... She grabbed a garbage bin and emptied its gross content on him, shoving that bin over his head... He tried to get that bin off of his head but by doing so, he lost his balance and his chair fell backwards on the ground while everyone in the cafeteria could see what was happening... Everyone was in stitches... Samantha really made an ass of Devon in front of everyone. And once he managed to get rid of that bin, Sam had a bitchy smile on her face while she gave him the finger... And with that, she walked back to me and smiled... But of course, her actions didn't go unnoticed and she didn't get off the hook so easily...

\n But despite everything that happened between Sam and me didn't solve that particular thing that was bothering me. I kept trying throughout the week to find the perfect opportunity to tell her, but I was scared. I felt afraid to tell her the truth... I kept trying to come up with a way to tell her, trying to choose my words carefully. She had to know... But it took two weeks before I felt confident enough to tell her... And even then I was still afraid... But I figured she was worth every risk... And one Friday night, after we worked out at the gym, I was determined to tell her the truth... While we were out on the street, I felt very nervous...
\n 'Sam...?'
\n 'Yeah?'
\n 'Do you have to go home any time soon...?'
\n 'I suppose not. Why?'
\n 'You wanna hang out for a while...?'
\n 'Yeah, sure.'

\n "No point of turning back now..." The nervous feeling was slowly crawling up... My heart was pounding in my throat... We made our way to the end of the street and took a left turn on Burbank Avenue where we crossed the street and reached a small park with a playground and a few benches. We sat on a bench near the lake and it stayed silent for a while... How was I supposed to bring it to her? I had to be honest to her, now more then ever...
\n 'You know, when you asked me to hang out, I didn't expect you to take me to the park. I thought we were going for a drink somewhere.'
\n 'Maybe later...'
\n 'Is everything alright, Ceylan...? You've been really quiet today...'
\n ''Sam, there's something I want you to know...'
\n 'What's up...?'
\n 'I lied to you...'
\n 'You did...? About what...?'
\n 'I never had a boyfriend...'
\n 'Oh, well... That's not something to be ashamed of, is it?'
\n 'No, no, I mean...'
\n 'What's wrong?'
\n 'No, nothing's wrong, it's just... I had a relationship...'
\n 'I'm not following you...'

\n "Fucking hell, how am I supposed to tell her?!" I took a couple of deep breathes and tried to figure out what exactly it was I wanted her to know...
\n 'I need to tell you something and... It's not easy for me to say... I don't even know how to tell you this...'
\n 'Just tell me what you would like to say, Ceylan...'
\n 'Sammi...'

\n I took her hand and felt my clammy hand touched her soft fur... I closed my eyes for a while as I tried to clear my mind... So many thoughts went through my mind that night... But I realized I couldn't say it to her... And all of a sudden, she placed her hand on mine, gently caressing the fur on the back of my hand... It felt so great... She must've seen it... I took a deep breathe and I wasn't facing her when I told her... And I remember I was talking very quietly, almost whispering it...
\n 'I keep thinking about that kiss... And... I know it didn't mean anything but... I can honestly say that it only made my feelings for you stronger... I've always had a huge crush on you for as long as I know you... You're the best thing that ever happened to me, Sam... It came as a bit of a shock when you kissed me but I don't think it's a mistake... And I was wondering if there might be more to us... Not just as friends... And I want you to know that... I go both ways... I'm bi-sexual...'

\n It stayed silent for a while as Samantha looked at me. At least she didn't remove her hand from mine so that might've been a good thing. But an awkward silence wasn't good as well... Something told me that she didn't know how to respond...
\n 'What do you expect me to say, Ceylan...? That I have the same feelings for you...?'
\n 'No, I don't expect you to say anything... But... Deep down inside, I always hoped that you do...'
\n 'Please, don't take it the wrong way, Ceylan... I really like you... You're a good friend...'
\n 'And how couldn't I be...? You're so beautiful and smart and a lot of fun...'
\n 'That's really sweet of you to say... But... I don't think I feel the same about it...'
\n 'Didn't you like that kiss...?'
\n 'I really did... And you're right; it's not that different...'
\n 'I wish it made you feel different about it, though...'
\n 'I'm sorry if that kiss made you feel different about me... I didn't know... I'm so sorry, Ceylan... I truly am...'
\n 'Its okay, Sam, really...'
\n 'Heh...'
\n 'How did that kiss made you feel...?'
\n 'I don't know... All I know is that I really liked it... I can't say I'm in love with you, you know... I don't want to give you false hope...'
\n 'I know you don't...'
\n 'It's just that...'
\n 'Yes...?'
\n 'Well... I told you about it... And... I got these bi-curious tendencies, you know... I can't label myself as bi-sexual because I never fell in love with a girl before... And that kiss was just something for me to know for sure. I think it was special... But I also think that it's just a stage I'm going through...'
\n 'I thought it was a stage for me as well, but it wasn't... I like guys but I got a preference for girls...'
\n 'Is there a reason for that or...?'
\n 'Why I prefer girls...?'
\n 'Yeah?'
\n 'Well, I just love a girl's tenderness... To feel her soft fur and to feel every curve of her gorgeous body... And to kiss those sweet, tender lips...'
\n 'Wow... I never knew you'd be such a romanticist...'
\n 'Well yeah... Things used to be like that with Sarah, my ex girlfriend... Samir never existed, I made him up... Everything I told you about Samir happened with Sarah...'
\n 'Hehehe... But... How did she... You know...?'
\n 'Deflowered me?'
\n 'Yes?'
\n 'With a strap-on... I liked having a little rough sex every once in a while with her but other than that, I'm a bit of a romanticist, just like you...'
\n 'Wow...'
\n 'But... Those days with Sarah are over. And right now, I really miss her. You have no idea what it's like looking for a girl who might share the same feelings for you... Sometimes I actually wonder if I was born in the wrong body...'
\n 'Why is that...?'
\n 'Because if I was born as a guy, I'd probably have much more chance being with a girl sharing the same feelings for me...'
\n 'I feel so bad about it now...'
\n 'You don't have to feel bad about it, Sam... It'll be alright... I don't wanna loose you as a friend... I hope that this doesn't get in the way of our friendship...'
\n 'Of course not... You're not going to loose me...'
\n 'Thank you, Sam... Thank you for everything...'
\n 'Any time...'
\n 'Heh... If there's anything I can ever help you out with, just let me know, okay...?'
\n 'Sure thing... I'll be here for you when you need me...'
\n 'I know you will...'

\n Samantha and I sat for hours on that bench that night... Talking about our sexuality, our fantasies... Our wishes and desires... And even about our insecurities... And I realized that Samantha is just like me, cherishing the same visions about love and sex... She asked me all kinds of stuff what I did whenever Sarah and I were together. How it felt like, what it did to me. I told her absolutely anything she wanted to know, down to every juicy little detail... I told her everything about the night that Sarah deflowered me and how I felt that night... Pretty much everything Sam ever wanted to know. But at some point, we had to go. We made our way back to the gym to get our bikes. She kissed my cheeks and we said our goodbyes. And after that, we went our own separate ways...

\n That night, while I was in bed, I kept thinking about everything that happened. And I figured that it's not really that bad. It's good that it happened... To finally know for sure... It felt so great that she finally knew who I really was and what I thought about her. And maybe she felt the exact same thing to have revealed that she has bi-sexual tendencies... There's nothing wrong with that... I wish I could've told her that if she really wanted to discover it, that I would be there for her... In any imaginable... If she wanted to kiss, she could kiss me whenever she wants... She can have sex with me whenever she wants... I'd let her explore my body... But how was I supposed to bring that message without freaking her out...? To know that she has bi-sexual tendencies only made me want her more than I already did... And I started to think how I was going to let her give in to her tendencies... It was bold and very risky... But whenever I fantasized about it, it always worked... Sam's a romanticist like I am... So I knew exactly what she was looking for... She once told me that I had to get more in touch with my feminine side... So I figured I would show her just how feminine I can be...

\n
\n