“It's good to love,

It's good to love,

It's good to love,

I've got a right to give,

It's good to love,

It's good to love"

FKA Twigs,

'Good to Love'

It's shocking how quickly the presence of those I love and care for quiets my fears. The past and future can't be ignored, but they can be swept aside for a while.

Eve insists on a little house tour for the three of them, to which of course I oblige. Oohs and ahs emanate periodically from the lovers as I show them around. I make a point of piling praise on Saph for her help with sprucing up the place since Eve's last visit and, though she's as modest and bashful as ever, I can tell she appreciates it. We end things back in the living room, taking a minute to sit and rest while we discuss what to do next. It's mid-afternoon and the lovers like the idea of starting their holiday off with an evening in, travel having left them lethargic.

I kneel at a shelf and flick through my record collection in search of some background music, the sight of which triggers a reaction in two of my guests and moments later there are three of us huddled around the shelving unit, all staring intently at rows of LPs.

“I swear this is like three hundred bucks on Discogs!" Feather exclaims, carefully brandishing one of my vinyls and studying it with some amazement, their big bushy tail swaying carefully behind them, miraculously staying within a reasonable radius of their back.

I wonder if that's something all squirrels have to be particularly conscious of: keeping their long tails relatively tight to their bodies to avoid the risk of whacking passers-by or damaging property.

“It's an impressive collection," Jay says, head bobbing rapidly in enthusiastic affirmation of his own sentiment.

“It is, I'm jealous."

“Well if there's anything you'd like to spin, we can spin it," I declare, grinning and wagging with far less restraint than Feather.

The girls half watch on in amusement, half chat between themselves, neither of them having quite the same fervor for music as the three of us. Even Jay gradually loses interest - after his initial excitement has worn off and he's had a chance to shake his tail to a few requests - as Feather and I dig deep into more and more obscure artists and sounds, it quickly becoming clear that the squirrel and I are total fucking music nerds.

“Eve says you produce." They wear an endearing buck-toothed grin as some experimental electronic blipping fills the room and the other three people filter out with talk of mixing up a batch of cocktails and muttered promises of making enough for us and that we're free to come collect them whenever we bla bla bla. I'm fully in music mode, and so is Feather. Their voice is airy and high, somewhat brittle. “That's really cool."

I run a paw through my hair and stare at the ceiling, shrugging. “I mean, sort of. It's totally just a hobby."

“I'd love to hear some of your stuff."

“It's not good, I'd-"

“I'm sure you're your own worst critic."

“It's still not good."

“Well, I still wanna hear it. I promise I won't be a judgy bitch."

“Maybe sometime, I'm pretty shy with it to be honest." I grimace, then choke out a laugh. “So, what about you?"

“Me? Oh! No, I don't make music at all, unless you count fucking around on GarageBand when I was a teenager." They wave a paw and go on, talking fast in a rapid fire of information. “But, like, I do have a creative outlet of my own. I'm - also totally a hobby thing, amateur hour stuff you know? Though don't tell Eve I said that or she'll yell me into submission - but, I write poetry. That's how I met Eve, actually."

“No shit, really? That's awesome. I had no idea." I admit, nodding vigorously, the remembered knowledge that Eve writes poetry resurfacing in my mind and all of the context that goes along with it loading in gradually like an image-heavy web page in the nineties. “So you met her at a local group, or?"

“No, well, no. It was on a forum actually, we gave some friendly critique on each other's pieces a few times, one thing led to another and she slid into my DMs-"

“Always the aggressor, isn't she?"

“Exactly," they laugh. “Well it turned out I didn't live so far away and yada yada, long story short she lured me into this cultish budding polycule and transformed me into her little slave-minion. Now I follow her around and do her bidding."

“That's wonderful."

“Right? She's a very kind overlord, no complaints."

I can't help but grin. Conversation flows between us freely, words and topics coming and going without friction. I'm flipping the record and we're still talking.

“So," I say, “this your first experience with polyamory?"

“No, though my previous experience was a bit of a trainwreck," they look inward and shake their head, “still, I'm glad that didn't put me off entirely." They frown, then announce they're going to get a cocktail. I feel weird and uncertain, though I'm not sure why.

“Shall I-?" I make to stand, but they put a paw out, signaling for me to stop me.

“No, no, no. I'll bring one back for you too, just give me a minute, I'll get a quick piss in while I'm at it."

I laugh, tell them where they can find the nearest bathroom, and they leave, their big bushy tail swaying steadily. I feel hot of cheek and happy, and then alone, an odd sort of isolation setting in from sitting here solo when so many guests are over. I switch out the electronic record for some R&B and start mouthing the lyrics as it plays, staring out a window at my drive and thinking about what I'm gonna say to Feather next.

They're back before I make up my mind. My spine straightens when I see them and I stand to take a glass from their outstretched paw, sipping before thinking.

“I'm back," they say.

“Mojito?" I ask.

“Mojito," they nod.

We clink, then drink together; they nod at the record player. “What's this? I like it."

My tail wags like a giddy pup's at the familiar joy of sharing music I love. I tell them all about it and they actually seem to take it in, to care. They're singing choruses with me by the second track, each of us giggling at our untrained, uneven vocals. The third track is more pared down and ambient so we get back to talking, eager to get to know one another better.

“You still act at all?" They ask, head tilted.

“Not really. Tried to get back into it a couple times, but..."

“I get it. You miss it?"

“Sort of. Sometimes. I've always loved music but, like, I kinda went all in on it after... Well, after."

“Yeah."

“So, it's sort of like replacing acting, in a way. Filling the creative void that it left."

Nodding, asking about all sorts, tangents, comments, singing, I don't know. Seconds. Minutes.

I bring the second round through, warmly greeting Saph, Eve and Jay when I step into the kitchen. They stop mid conversation to jokingly mock me and, by proxy, Feather for being absolute geeks, but I flash a winning smile and assure them we'll come through when this record ends. Nobody raises an objection; they're all busy having fun anyway. Saph seems to be genuinely enjoying herself sat talking with Jay and Eve, and I couldn't be happier for it.

I hurry back to Feather and pass them their drink. A few sips later we're back deep in conversation.

“Wait, I know I haven't shown you my music, but what if I do on the condition that you show me your poetry?"

They fan air at their cheek and laugh abruptly. “Wow, a trade? Okay, sure. Well, maybe when I'm not so tipsy, but yeah, that's a really sweet idea. I mean, I can be kinda shy with my writing too - when I can't just post it anonymously anyway - but, y'know, you're chill. I think that would be nice."

“Oh, I'm chill huh? Careful with such potent praise, I might get an ego."

“Fishing for compliments are we?"

“They never hurt."

“Wow, bitch. I can see why Eve is so into you, but I'm not gonna ladle on the praise just yet. We're still strangers."

“Eve is into me huh?"

“Picking apart my unfortunate phrasing now? Then again, she might actually try to pull you into the old 'cule if you came out as bi."

I laugh, sort of strangely unsure what to say to that other than: “I couldn't with Eve even if I was into girls. She's like, my best friend, you know? Well, so is Saph, so-"

“Have Saph too then. You can have two if you want, you know?"

“Right? Exactly, like-"

“I mean, you can have three if you want, I won't stop you."

“You trying to get in on this fantasy foursome?"

A bit of a squeak escapes their muzzle and they giggle and shake their head in a manner that betrays a certain degree of drunkenness. Lightweight.

“I wasn't saying it like that, I-"

“So you're totally uninterested then?"

A smoldering scowl.

“I've got you figured out now, Ash."

“Yeah?"

“Yeah. I know exactly what you are."

“Go on then, show your hand. What am I?"

“You're a little fuckin' brat."

“A brat huh?"

“Buh. Ruh. Ah. Tuh."

“Oh, that must be so hard for you. Dealing with a teasing little bitch brat like me? Whatever will you do, pin me down and call me names?"

Where did that come from?

Mind ever so slightly disconnected from body. The onset of my own drunkenness. Lightweight...

Swagger returning, outlandishness. Anxiety.

God I hope I'm not embarrassing myself. I hope they don't take me too seriously.

They point at me, all accusatory, whole body slightly swaying, giggling.

Actually these might have been our third drinks come to think of it. Either way, Saph poured them strong. Or Eve. I wouldn't put it past either of them. Or Jay, actually. Any of them could have done this to us.

“Bitch, I just might," they push their tongue out, teasing right back.

I feel a thump in my chest. I'm confused. What, am I terrified of my own taunt coming true? Of being pinned down and helpless? A position I loved, and now fear. Or am I scared of scaring away somebody I've barely met but already really like by being too forward and strange? I want to be their friend. I feel that desire abnormally strongly. I want to get to know them.

I realize that neither of us have said anything in a little while. The music has stopped. They are biting their tongue, looking to the side. Embarrassed? Did I embarrass them?

I push myself to standing and offer a paw, which they take gingerly and follow me up, I pull them into a hug on instinct. At first they feel floppy, then firm, as their confidence returns. “I'm so glad I finally got to meet you, Feather."

“I was literally about to say the same thing to you"

I feel a warmth, a glow. The alcohol mostly, probably. A new person to care for...

“Literally the same thing? But my name's not Feather."

They skin my pelt with their unimpressed stare.

We rejoin the pack, all of whom are as buzzed us. We got started early didn't we? The evening has only just begun. We switch to wine and joke about how sophisticated we are, I feel a buzz very separate to that of the drunkenness: the low-key euphoria of being surrounded by these people, these queer, strange, caring individuals who find a kind of home and family in one another that doesn't exist elsewhere. I feel cozy and calm as our conversations spark, basking the room in light.

I'm sat between Saph and Jay as she talks me up and recounts anecdotes to a laughing, animated Eve and a wide-smiling Feather who's cuddling up to their ferret partner. It takes me a minute to realize Jay is cuddling up to me in much the same way. An affectionate drunk then, or perhaps a horny one. Feather side-eyes me, looking pointedly at Jay resting his head on my shoulder with an arm around me, then catching my gaze and winking. I stick out my tongue briefly, just how they did earlier, internally feeling a little overwhelmed, but not bad. Muddled, maybe.

Jay's muzzle to my ear, whispering: “You're so soft," in the distinct drawl of the drunk. Part of me stirs some. One of his paws brushes my thigh, his tail my ankle.

My tail brushes against his, my paw his lower back, reciprocating the advance without progressing it. After not too long I straighten up, causing him to pull away. He flashes me a grin under half-lidded bedroom eyes, then we melt into the group once again.

Saph and Eve are nattering away like sisters who've been apart far too long, gesturing and laughing, sometimes raising voices; the sight of them glues a smile to my face. I'm vaguely aware of Jay and Feather talking between themselves now. Vaguely aware that I'm sort of in the middle of it all but separate, for the moment. Not upset by that.

Saph pulls me in, though I only catch the second half of her sentence.

“-missing you like crazy. Ash thinks the world of you, you know?"

“And the universe of you." Eve counters, the back of her paw batting away the praise even as a pull at the corner of her mouth and a certain gleam in her eyes says exactly how happy she is to hear such a thing. The ferret shoves a finger at me. “It's always Saph this, Saph that with him."

“Obsessed with us, isn't he?" My husky housemate intones, leaning forward, talking it up as if this were some salacious gossip the world isn't ready to know. Seeing her be her true self so freely among new people is, in a word, wonderful.

“Totally. All he thinks about is us girls. Do you think the whole 'gay' thing is some elaborate cover up?" Eve asks, playing the accusation totally straight. Saph's eyes go wide and she splutter-laughs, the wine she was sipping briefly stuck in her throat as she digests Eve's claim instead.

“All projection and poorly masked lust." I interject loudly, confident and excitable as alcohol blurs my inhibitions. “Eve, it's clear you'll stop at nothing in your quest to get a piece of me."

She raises her paws in surrender. “Oh, you've got me, I'm a problematic queen and I know it. Been befriending and trying to sleep with gay boys for years now." She gestures expressively as she talks, alcohol and company somehow making her even more boastful and willfully ridiculous than usual.

I reach out and tap her nose. “Careful queen, I know your socials. Don't make me cancel you."

“Maybe that's what I want. It'll only make me famous."

“Eve!" Saph squeals, the word devolving into an infectious laughter that spreads between the three of us.

Saph's made a friend for life here, I just know it. She's glowing too. We all are. It strikes me that I haven't felt this guiltlessly happy in god knows how long. Fuck. I could cry. When's the last time I cried with joy?

Banter, talk of life and living, of world events and social ones, of art and love and past and future. Morphing conversations where ever-changing pods of two or three talk between themselves while the others do the same, talking across one another or sometimes all together, all of us finding something to say to each other as if it's easy - even natural - and by some miracle, today, it is.

“You know what? I'd love nothing more than to cap off the evening with a dip in your pool, if that's alright with you?" Jay asks, his paw to my chest and his eyes on mine, a theatrical and emphatic display, as if this were the most important thing he'd ever asked of anyone. Silly flirtatious fun, but his eyes and gently compressing touch tell me there's something more to that flirting than the grandstanding it's being presented as. I stir and think and wonder and almost forget that his words actually demand some form of response.

“Oh, uh, of course! While you're here, what's mine is yours." I spread my arms. “That goes for all of you."

Excited commotion and calls to arms. Feather and Saph join Jay in heading off to change into their swimwear. It strikes me that I never actually got around to buying a costume, though I don't bring it up. I stay sat with Eve. She scooches up close to me, trapping me in a hug for a few seconds, saying she'll join the others soon, but before I can explain my position she grabs one of my paws and squeezes it as she looks into my eyes.

“It's so good to be close enough to touch you," she says. “You know, we talk and hang online, and that's great, but it can't compare to this."

“I know. I miss you when you're not around. Thank the stars for Saph, otherwise I'd be a total loner most days."

She's tight lipped as she nods. She inhales and smiles. “Hey, at least with the wedding you'll have a good excuse to come down and visit us soon." She examines my face, inspecting my reaction. I nod gently, all those awful thoughts and difficult memories from earlier threatening to flood back into my mind. How successful I am at stopping them, I can't say. “You know, if you can make it, of course." She adds, I offer a smile. “That is, if you even want to."

The words catch in my head, and stay caught as Saph makes a reappearance dressed in her sleek, black one-piece swimming costume.

“Oh, I'm the first ready," she notes, peering into the garden at the empty pool.

“Gold medal, well done," Eve says, clapping. Saph mimes celebrating with a bottle of champagne.

“You know what, why mime. We could actually break out the champagne," she says, looking to me for approval, as if she needs it. I nod. Jay bursts in as she's fetching a bottle, swaggering through in just his trunks, showing off his bare, toned chest. I suppress the impulse to whistle or high-five Eve for bagging him.

Jay's first point of order, however is to stop in the center of the room and offer me a big flirty wink while running a paw over his chest in a show of exaggerated sexuality. Eve gets up and pretends to hit him over the head. “Behave, you."

He grabs her arm and does a little growl, then kisses her, she reciprocates, her free arm running up his back. They pull apart looking hot and hazy. I imagine a strand of saliva still connecting them. “Is that good behavior, mistress?"

“You're a dick," is Eve's laughing response.

“Champagne?" Saph asks, thrusting glasses at Eve and Jay who each take one with muttered thanks and agreement.

“Champagne in the pool? Sounds decadent." It's Feather.

I admit I was curious to see what they'd be wearing. My eyes freely explore their largely-bare figure, clad in a two piece floral bikini, the top half of which covers their maybe A cup breasts while the bottom snugly packs away their equipment leaving a modest but, to me, rather attractive bulge.

I find myself staring a little longer than I know I should, but they don't seem to notice. I feel the heat of embarrassment rise to my cheeks as they too go in for a kiss with Eve, triggering me to finally avert my gaze from the specifics of their form. Oh lord they're kinda hot, aren't they? I really didn't expect to feel that way about them but, I don't know, I'm confused. The overtly feminine side of them really doesn't do anything for me, but the way that femininity melds with the rest of their presentation - creating a sort of effeminate androgyny - is pushing buttons I didn't know I had.

Champagne is poured and the three costumed mammals urge us to join them soon as they make their egress to the pool. Eve assures them we will, and then we're alone again. I remember Eve's last comment to me and, though it could be as innocent a statement as anything, I feel uncertain and anxious all at once.

“So," she drawls out the word, turning to me after watching her lovers and Saph submerge themselves in water.

“I can tell you want to say something," I hear myself saying.

“It's nothing really. I just want to know what you think about the wedding."

The taste of Kale's cum emerges from memory. The guilt of what we did together. My panic from earlier. I shake my head.

“Well it's great news, right?"

“Right," she says, smiling. She sips her champagne. “Agreed." Hesitation. She taps the side of her glass with a claw. “You seemed overwhelmed earlier, when you found out about it." I go very still. My thoughts are muddy. “I can imagine any number of possible reasons - make up explanations in my head - but if you want to share your thoughts, I'd love to listen."

I go to sip my champagne, then stop. Too tipsy, drunk maybe. Need to sober up a little. I feel a slight tremor in my paw as I handle the drink, so I force it into stillness by gripping my chair instead.

I can't tell her about Kale's visit. Not now, not yet. Saph was right: I need this holiday, Eve deserves it too, I can't turn it into anxiety hell for the both of us. At the same time I can't tell her nothing. And, it's Eve, I can't lie to her. The only thing for it is to admit to a different set of truths.

“Well, it was a few things at once. My initial reaction to seeing that invitation was just, like, shock." Eve nods along as I speak, encouraging me but staying quiet, letting me fill my own silence. “There was also - just a tinge - of jealousy there..."

“I thought that might be part of it. You've had your thing for Kale," she's soft spoken and serious, her usual campness and sarcasm totally absent, mindful of my feelings.

“Yeah. You can relate, I know."

A soft laugh. “I had my time with that, yes."

“I guess I never fully let those feelings go. It's not, like, a big thing for me any more, I just felt a sort of pang when I saw that invite, the sense of missing out on a chance I never really had." She nods again, patient and attentive.

“I get it, totally." Her mouth closes tight as she retreats into memories, perhaps reliving her own feelings from times past. “Is that why you were so shocked? Part of you thought the day that wolf settled down would never come?"

“Sort of? But, well, my shock was mostly separate to the news itself or how it made me feel, it was more the surprise of actually being invited in the first place."

Her ears perk, she regards me with a tilt of her head, takes another sip, tail swishing irregularly behind her. “What do you mean?"

“Well, I think you're at least vaguely aware that I haven't been particularly close with Adrian since I returned to Canada." She nods, a small frown distorting her features. “And he's the one who messaged me hinting about the invite in the first place, he's the one inviting me."

“So it's an olive branch."

“No, Eve, what I mean is- Well, let me explain. Yes, I've never been all that close with Adrian, but for the past-" I cut myself off, stopping myself from saying the words two years. I can't be so obvious about the timing of things. “For a good while now, I've not been all that close with Kale, either."

“What?" She seems genuinely taken aback.

“Yeah, I don't know. We spent less time together and didn't chat so much as the months went by. Eventually we kinda just stopped hanging out altogether."

“Didn't he fly up here a couple years back?"

I nod. “And we had a good time, but, yeah, things just didn't last with us, I guess." Eve scrunches her eyes shut and grimaces, something about this information not sitting well with her at all. “We're not on bad terms, we just very rarely actually say much to one another any more."

“I mean, I kinda got the vibe you two weren't quite as close as you once were, but I didn't realize it was that bad." She pulls in a breath, staring at me, mouth partially open but stuck in that uncertain moment for a second, then: “Did something happen when-" She shakes her head, waves a paw. My heart thumps. “Forget it. Forget it." I'm already trying to. “That's a shame though. I get it then, why you were so shocked when you saw the invite." I nod along with her this time. “But you bonded with them both - and with me - over that crazy, horrible series of events before you left the country. They haven't forgotten about any of that, and haven't forgotten about you. They both care for you deeply, even if you don't talk much any more. I'm certain of that. You said Adrian even messaged hinting at the invite, right?"

“Yeah."

“Then they want you to come, whether you're still close with either of them or not."

“You really think so?"

“Definitely," she stresses the word, eyes wide. She means it, and she knows them better than I do, Adrian especially. “Obviously that doesn't mean you have to go. It's time and money and effort. But - also obviously - I'd like you to. I'll be there, Jay, Feather - you can even stay with us if you want. I know Kale and Adrian would love to catch up with you too. Look, before you say anything, I want to make it clear that they wouldn't have sent the invite if they didn't genuinely want you there. It's not gonna be some huge ceremony, this is a close-ones-only kinda deal. They want you there, Ash."

I think she's right, I'm just not convinced that their - Adrian's? - motives for seeing me again are as straightforward as she believes. She lacks context, and I'm not giving it to her, not yet. Something has become very clear to me now though. Eve doesn't know what went down between Kale and I two years ago. I've got the dreadful suspicion that Adrian doesn't either.

“Okay," I say. “I'll think about it." And I could leave it there but I don't. The same memories, ad infinitum, the same feelings and flashes, the blood and the pain and the fear. “There's another factor that's kinda been keeping me away from visiting though."

“What is it?"

“That whole city..." He's here in the room. His presence is felt now, more than seen. His hot breath. His judgmental, ethereal gaze pricking pins into the back of my neck. Not as prominent as he used to be, but he's there. “It reminds me of Marty."

She opens her mouth, closes it, stands up, shakes her head, approaches, pulls me into a hug. “Oh Ash, of course it does." She's still shaking her head, I can feel her chin on my shoulder. “I didn't even think."

“It's okay," I assure her. Not feeling constricted or threatened in her grip - even in the presence of the otter - only comforted, only loved.

“It's not. It never was, never will be."

“I'm alright."

She nods. I can feel it. She keeps nodding.

“Only come if you're absolutely sure, okay?"

“Okay."

It takes a couple of minutes, half a glass of champagne each, small talk and a few shaky laughs for us to reach equilibrium again.

“Oh," she says at a break in conversation. “Before we go out and join them, I wanted to mention one last thing. It's not so deep this time, don't worry."

“Yeah?" I try and fail to abate my returning nerves.

“You've told me about your issues with trust and intimacy, how you've struggled to feel sexually fulfilled because of them-"

“Sounds pretty deep to me. Or is this just an excuse for you to bully me?" I combat my anxiety with teasing.

“Oh, of course. But, also, I wanted to mention, like, you've talked to Jay a decent bit, met him a couple times. If you feel comfortable with him and maybe wanna try fulfilling some of those pent up, unmet desires with that wolf of mine then... he's totally up for it."

I cough up my last sip of champagne. “Are you serious?"

“Of course! He's a hottie, don't deny it."

“I mean, yes, he's obviously extremely attractive, but real talk - I know you're poly and I'm sure you've got some degree of openness going on, but are you really okay with your boyfriend wandering off and fucking me?"

“Yes," she says with an emphatic nod; to her it's totally unremarkable. It's not that it's so completely foreign to me either, but since Kale's visit I've been extra sensitive about crossing lines. “For us it's like this: as long as there's consistent communication about our feelings and what or who we're doing, then there's no problem. We're like nouveau hippies." She puts up two piece signs and affects a stoner voice for a second. “Free love, man. But, seriously, that's the thing for me and Jay: when we opened up our relationship it wasn't on a whim, and it wasn't for anyone in particular - it happened before I even knew Feather - it's just like, to us, love is this flowing, endless, brilliant thing that should be shared and spread, not bound. No judgment to y'all monogamists, of course."

I chuckle, then shake my head slowly. “No, I get it, sounds almost noble when you put it like that. And you can't call me a monogamist, I'm single."

“And looking?"

“Eve, honey, you know I love you, just not like that."

She clicks her fingers. “Damn." She laughs and so do I. “But, you know, about Jay, I'm serious, and so is he."

I look out the glass doors and see him smiling, stood up, body half-submerged in water, seemingly watching Feather and Saph as they swim laps. Maybe they're racing. If so, Saph is winning. Go girl.

I get the feeling that they're looking out for me. All of them. Saph, Eve, even Jay. I don't know Feather well enough to lump them in with the rest, but either way I know that I'm surrounded by people who love me and want to see me thrive.

I don't feel worthy of that love. I'm a lazy, sorry-for-myself fuck with a more comfortable lifestyle than I deserve and right now I'm keeping things from those who care about me. That's not even to mention the whole 'murderer' thing.

How is it that kindness can leave me feeling so worthless?

Come on Ash. Come on. You're surrounded by love. Let it in. For once, just let it in.

“I'll keep it in mind," I tell her.

“If he's too forward just let him know and he'll stop. The last thing any of us want to do is overstep any boundaries."

“Oh, of course. You may be a band of perverts, but you're honorable ones."

“Exactly. See, this is why we get along so well. You get me." She winks and stands abruptly. “Alright I'm getting jealous of those three in the pool. I'm gonna go get changed."

“I'll see you out there," I respond, rising slowly as she waves her approval and hurries to her room.

I stand there for maybe a minute, pouring myself another drink and just watching as Feather and Jay engage in some sort of water fight, Saph cheering on, sat at the edge of the pool, polishing off her own glass of champagne. I remind myself that Marty isn't here, or anywhere. I remind myself that the consequences of what happened between Kale and I have waited two years to be felt, that they can wait a while longer yet. I remind myself that I love these people, and that they love me, and that not feeling worthy doesn't change those facts. I feel a little better.

Jay spots me standing there alone and beckons me. I make a show of opening up a fresh bottle of champagne and bringing it with me as I head outside.

“Who needs a refill?" A chorus of 'me' greets my ears and I dutifully do my job as host, topping up their glasses one by one.

“Not getting in the pool?" Jay asks, arms folded as he leans over the side of the pool, looking up at me.

“I forgot to buy trunks."

“This is your pool!"

I hear the glass doors slide open behind me as I say: “I normally swim nude."

“Still no trunks?" Eve asks, emerging in a navy swimsuit.

“I knew this would happen, I should have reminded him," Saph sighs.

“I'm a forgetful exhibitionist, okay?" I catch Eve's gaze. “That's about what you wanted to hear, right?"

“Yeah, that'll do. Well, you gotta join us anyway. Live that exhibitionist life and strip for us, boy."

Jay whistles at the idea while Feather watches on in silence, a curious grin playing across their muzzle. Part of me wants to do as Eve suggests, the thought providing more than a little thrill - I guess I do have some exhibitionist tendencies after all - but therein lies the problem, I don't want to work myself up putting on a show and end up baring a clearly aroused, throbbing member in front of all of them. Honestly though, Eve would have a ball with that. Saph wouldn't care too much and Jay would probably enjoy it. As for Feather? I really couldn't say. Oh my god, why am I even considering this? I'm clearly even more sexually frustrated than I had thought.

“I don't think so. You'll have to subscribe to my OnlyFur for that kind of content."

“Oh, hot, send me the link," Eve says, not missing a beat as she enters the pool.

“Hell yeah, get that bread," Feather adds in a lilt, clicking their fingers.

“Well shit, maybe I should start one after all."

Laughter, chatter. I put on some music, selecting my playlist Chill Beats to Relax/Swim to. Feather seems to vibe with it, bopping their head to in time with the music and twitching their tail where it pokes out of the water. I sit by the side of the pool, just watching them.

Saph swims over. “Babe, just get in in your underwear, better than moping around up there." I open my mouth to protest but she pre-empts my response, mimicking my voice. “'I'm not moping.' Okay, whatever, just get in, we want you."

For a moment I'm surprised by her insistence, but I really would like to join them, and she knows it. “Well when you ask so nicely, honey, how can I deny you?"

I strip my outer layers right there, folding my clothes and placing them carefully a bit back from the water. I quickly gather a crowd of onlookers and receive more whistling from Jay, some clapping and cheering from Eve and a 'yes bitch, slay' from Feather, which amuses me greatly. I think I'm starting to see the real them - the inhibition-light, tipsy version at least - and I'm so glad for it.

Soon enough I'm in nothing but a pair of purple briefs and I do a little twirl to acclaim from my audience. I can't deny it: I enjoy the attention.

Obviously their vigorous praise and encouragement is, in large, a show - a fun collaborative performance between friends. They'd likely be making the same noises even if I was the ugliest dog on earth. I care about my appearance; I try to look good, dress well and keep myself properly groomed, and I try not to be too self-critical about my weight, but the truth is I'm fat. There's a crowd for that, sure, but when met with such unmitigated adoration from my friends I can't help but ponder exactly how much of it is fake. I used to be thinner, younger, hotter. Sure, that last point isn't objective, but at times like this I have to reckon with the fact that it is what I think. The truth is I don't feel hot any more. I miss it.

I'm smiling back at the faces smiling up at me as I enter the pool, they each exude kindness and joy, but my head is brimming with self-doubt and dysmorphia. Still, Jay's obvious lechery means their collective adoration can't be all fake, and for the first time in a long while I'm considering putting the effort in to lose a few pounds, or stone; that's a desire I'd like to keep hold of.

Saph clasps my shoulder once I'm in and asks how I'm holding up, innocent but soft spoken, the others can't hear. I consider exactly how to respond for a few seconds, paddling idly to occupy myself and getting used to the odd, heavy and not entirely secure feeling of wearing underwear in water.

“Better than I thought," I settle on. “Looks like the same goes for you."

She turns and scans the pool, watching the three lovers chat merrily among themselves. “I really like them," she says. “Eve especially. She's funny and out-there, but thoughtful, and a really good listener too."

“Sounds like you're smitten, girl."

She splashes me. “I've barely even met the woman!"

I consider splashing back before deciding to avoid the inevitably losing battle. “Just teasing."

“I know, but remember what they say about glass houses. I've seen you and Jay all over each other."

“Ah, but for me it's all about sex. For you it's nothing but love," I put on a cutesy voice and hold my paws up, clasped together, tilting my head to rest my cheek on them.

She splashes me again, then retreats a step and holds her middle fingers up. “That's the problem with your depraved, horny brain Ash: you're projecting your desires on to me. It's as if for you - unless you're talking to a girl - there's no such thing as a friend and you become incapable of anything outside of that classic trinary: fuck, marry, kill."

I shake my head and whistle low. “Wow. Going there, are we?"

She flinches and waves her paws in front of her frantically, realizing exactly what she just said. “Oh shit, I really didn't consider my phrasing there, did I?"

“Not one bit," I confirm, she frowns and her brow furrows, looking to me in search of swift forgiveness. “I mean, you don't see me going around marrying people do you?" I flash a dark smile and she half chokes, half laughs.

“God I never know with you," shakes her head, laughs again, closes in, hugs me.

“I'm a mystery to myself sometimes," I admit. We pull apart, she studies me with a sort of sad curiosity. “Okay, most of the time."

“Endlessly confounding is just how I like you." She pats my head. “Keep on staying strong, you big softie."

“Try and stop me."

A smile, a meaningful look, another briefer hug, then she's off to intercept Eve and I'm left in momentary isolated hesitation, in truth still batting back flashbacks: the unintended side effect of Saph's comment. It's times like this that I can feel the cold razor blade between the thumb and forefinger of my right paw, and my grip on the back of his head with my left. Sometimes I hyper-focus on the details. The glint of light reflecting against the metal as I lifted it up to his throat. His skin parting as the blade separated it with ease, gashing surprisingly deep into flesh as I dragged the razor across his throat with every ounce of my strength. The blood seemed to seep and spray simultaneously. I was getting drench-

“In another world?" Jay asks, leaning over the edge of the pool to pick up his champagne glass.

“Oh, sorry, kind of, yeah. More like a past life." I copy him, grabbing my own drink then leaning back against the poolside.

“Hey, nothing to apologize for." He takes a sip and looks me up and down. “I'd thoroughly enjoy your company whether you talked to me or not."

“You don't half come on strong, do you?"

“Too much?"

“If I said yes, would that actually stop you?"

“Do you really want to risk it?" His toothy, goofy, flirty grin breaks me down and I laugh. He is hot. I don't really feel worthy of his attentions, but whatever, if he wants this I'm not gonna stop him from making that clear.

For a second I cast my eyes over to Eve, Saph and Feather. They're talking loudly and enthusiastically about something or other, though I can't tell what. Eve laughs and Feather leans in to ruffle her slick wet hair. I have the fleeting sensation of missing out, though quite on what I couldn't say. Feather turns our way and their eyes meet mine and their smile is warm and wide, I wave, then - feeling inexplicably awkward and flustered - turn back to Jay.

“You know, if I do let you at me, I'm not letting Eve watch," I say, deciding to push and see how serious he really is.

“Oh, of course not! Frankly, I'd love the excuse to have you all to myself," he leans in and winks, tracing a finger up my chest before pulling back again. He coughs and grins, suddenly looking all bashful. “Just to be clear, this isn't a 'bit'. If you want this, just say the word and you can have it."

I nod slowly. “I know, I know." I take a sip. “I'm still debating. I'll see how I feel when we wrap things up for the night, okay? I'm not going to randomly disappear on my roommate and your partners for a bit of wolf dick."

“For a lot of wolf dick," he corrects. I exhale sharply, caught off guard and feeling a familiar heat warming my groin. “And that's quite alright with me, little dog. Don't do anything you don't want to."

Feather appears behind Jay - to my eyes totally out of the blue, having been so laser focused on the wolf - wrapping their arms around him and poking their muzzle over his right shoulder, the tip of their long tail curling over his left.

“Hey fags," the squirrel chimes.

“God, I love you when you're drunk," Jay says, turning his head to nuzzle up against them.

“Only when I'm drunk?"

“Oh hush."

It's getting dark now, late evening is settling around us, framing us in the soft, pale glow of a sun about to set. Jay twists and lifts Feather up, the action made easier by the water, pressing his nose to theirs, staring into their eyes, then kissing them. Their public display of affection is sweet and heartwarming and pure, but also a stark reminder of how long it's been since my last romantic relationship, and that in three years I haven't come close to starting a new one.

“Hey Feather," I say when the two of them are separate entities once again.

“Thought I'd come over here and see how you two kings are holding up. Am I third wheeling it?"

The idea of them feeling unwelcome tears at me with quite unexpected ferocity. “Gosh, no, not at all. I'm glad you're here!"

“Well good because," they point behind their back at the two girls. “The lesbian chemistry going on over there? Please. I didn't stand a chance."

The ferret and husky in question are huddled close, chatting back and forth, each now with drink in paw, their free paws exhibiting a lot of expressive gesturing, laughter and exuberance radiating from each of them.

“Holy fuck. My girl Saph is the opposite of a social butterfly, what's going on?"

“When Eve has her sights set on you she works some sort of voodoo magic, I swear. Anything to bed a target."

I shake my head. “No, not Saph. Wait, I did tell her Saph's ace, didn't I?"

“Shoot! You definitely did; Eve relayed that to us actually," they knock the top of their head as if checking to see if it's hollow. “I'm just a forgetful dumbass."

“Don't worry, if you made Saph uncomfortable I'd be more scared for your health than hers."

They raise an eyebrow. “Noted."

“Ooh, so, this is the first time you two have met, isn't it?" Jay asks rhetorically, finger wagging back and forth between the two of us. “Come on, first impressions, lay them on me."

“Just like that, huh? You want some sort of formal testimony on how we feel about one another? I don't really think that's the done thing," I point out, blinking, suddenly feeling slightly nervous.

“Maybe it should be."

“Is that your polite way of letting me know you don't like me?" Feather asks.

“No, not at all, not one b-" My sentence stops abruptly when I catch their smug little smirk angling up at me. “You know what? Fine," I say, gaze snapping back to Jay. “First impressions are: they're a little fucking brat."

Jay laughs, Feather's tail flicks and they let out a shocked gasp. “Honey, are you really just gonna copy what I called you earlier? Hardly original."

“Am I wrong?" I'm the one smirking now. They're acting offended, but alcohol allows me confidence in the belief that they're enjoying this.

“You're definitely not wrong," Jay inserts.

“Fuck me, am I getting tag teamed now?" They ask, throwing their paws up for emphasis.

“Well, if Ash is down for that, then sure."

That shuts Feather up. Their tongue pokes out under their buck teeth and a single, muffled chuckle echoes out of them, their gaze sort of set vaguely on Jay's chest, ears turned toward him as if trying very hard to ignore my presence. The silence they leave forces me to respond.

“I, uh," find that I have no idea what to say. It's obviously just a joke; or it would be if said by most anyone. For Eve's gang of perverts the 'just' part is in question.

I'm saved from my state of surprise and uncertainty by Jay, perhaps sensing my hesitance or assuming that the comment made me uncomfortable. It didn't but... I wasn't ready for it either. “So, Feather, your first impressions? Ash gave his."

The squirrel seems to reset then, straightening up so that the top half of their bikini fully emerges from the pool, inhaling sharply and refocusing on the ongoing conversation. “First impressions? I could reaffirm the brat thing, but that's already clear. No, seriously though? Ash seems really sweet. He shares a lot of my sense of humor and I guess I find him super interesting. I'd like to pick his brain some more, find out more about him. Seems like we have a good few things in common and, he can correct me if I'm wrong but, I feel like we've got on really well so far. I'm looking forward to spending more time with him."

“Wow, a glowing review."

There's a warmth in my cheeks and a puppy dog wag to my tail, though it's quite effectively masked and slowed by the water.

“In light of these developments," I announce, alcohol propelling me forward. “I'd like to revise my first impression of your squirrel partner."

“Too late," Jay teases in a sing song voice. “You were right the first time anyway."

“Oh, humor me." He nods, I smile and go on. “I didn't know much about Feather going in to today, and I hadn't met any non-binary folk until now, so I just want to say, as a totally unknowing and unwitting ambassador of all gender non-conforming individuals everywhere, they've done a great job." Jay claps as if he were an uproariously applauding audience of one, meanwhile Feather does a formal bow face first into the water, laughing and flashing a toothy grin as they come up. Any lingering nerves I had fade away. “And, addendum," oohs from the gallery. “As a lifelong male-loving gay boy, I have to admit that they're looking pretty fuckin' hot in that bikini."

“The tag team dream lives on," the wolf announces loudly to the sky, spreading his arms wide. We fall about laughing.

There's more chatter, swimming, splashing, floating, simply being around one another, basking in the presence of great company. Time soon gets away from us, moments slipping through our fingers like water, but glittering as they go.

The sky takes on a dark orange hue, alerting us to the setting of the sun. The five of us converge, subconsciously grouping in the middle of the pool, looking up and making appreciative noises. Our collective hive mind decides that we should get out, pour another drink and toast to the sunset, and who are we to argue with the hive mind? In the ocher glow of the dying light I see a beauty in every one of us that runs far deeper than fur, and I know that I wouldn't trade being here right now - doing this, with these people - for anything.