Alright, this is what happened. We were in that bathhouse, right? So, I was done with my massage. It was pretty good actually, did wonders for my back. Anyway, I just got out of the hot springs and I was gonna head in early and...

-Wait, wait...-Bron interrupted. – You were heading in early?

-Yeah – Chety answered, drinking his rum.

-You didn’t stay for the…special service?

-What’s that?

-Whores, Chety, whores! – Rik shouted. – There were whores there. Didn’t you hear the offer for the “special massage”?

-Ah…that…yeah…I heard it. Can’t really take them up on it. I am, after all, engaged.

-Since when? – Bron frowned

-A few weeks ago. You remember Sky, don’t you?

-Who?

-Chety…-Tarek spoke up, rubbing his brow – a one night stand with a gnome prostitute does not an engagement make…

Chety narrowed his eyes and put his drink aside.

-What are you saying there, Tarek?

-That you aren’t engaged to a gnome prostitute just because you slept with her – Bron chuckled, pouring himself rum and passing the bottle to Rik.

-I don’t follow.

-Chety, you dumb lizard! – Rik stood up – I’m gonna bash your skull until the fragments form some sort of brain tissue.

For a few seconds Chety stared at the gnoll and finally he grinned.

-Oh, RIk. Now I get it. You’re jealous, aren’t you.

Rik’s jaw dropped and Bron slowly pulled her to her seat.

-There’s no need for that, Rik. – Chety continued, stirring his drink. – I’m sure that one day you’ll find true love as well. Everybody does, sooner or later. It’s just that with me it was sooner.

-I…I…can’t believe this…We’ve had this conversation more than twenty times…how can he be this daft? – Rik buried her face in her hands and after a moment she motioned towards him. – Please, Chety, continue…I can’t believe I’m saying this…

Well, it was a sunny day when I met Sky…

-By the Great Mother, Chety, if you mention Sky one more time…

-Oh…you meant the…the Rik story…yeah...right…

So, as I was saying, I was heading in early, Tarek can I get another pint, thanks. I was heading in early, because of my marital status. Don’t look at me like that, RIk. Anyway, I was going through the hall and I hear some shouting. Naturally, as I am an in…inku…inkuqizarif…inkoauzitaf type, I decided to check it out. I peek in and what do I see?

-A point to all of this? – Rik grumbled.

-Nooo…-Chety said and looked into his pint -Tarek, what is this? There’s barely enough for a spit here. Come on, put some more, don’t be greedy. At a boy…

As I was saying…I peek in…and there it was. Rik.

Chety paused and took a long, uninterrupted gulp.

-Tarek. My man. What’s this? There’s a hole in my pint. I could swear it was full less than ten seconds ago.

Chety bursts out laughing all the while elbowing Tarek in the thigh.

-I hate how fast he gets drunk – Bron turned to RIk, motioning her for the bottle.

-I hate how fast he sobers up – Rik said, passing the bottle.

Where were we? Ah, yes…Rik. So, Rik’s there, right? And she’s her usual self, just as the Cosmic Dragon made her, fake cock and all.

-Alright, little kobold. First off, the proper term is pseudo penis. Second, I ain’t made by some Cosmic Dragon.

-Aaaa, shut up…- Chety drunkenly waved his hand. – You and your barbaric, heretic, totem worshiping crap. Great Mother, shmeyt shmoter. The Cosmic Dragon Kri is the one true creator of all. The sooner you get that through your thick, head, the sooner you will realize that, the better for you!

Rik got up, grabbing her axe and Bron quickly grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her back.

-Please, guys. Can we get through one night, without theological disputes? – Tarek spoke, trying to act as the voice of reason.

-Theowha?

-Religion.

-Ah…it’s not my fault she’s wrong.

-I swear, I will skin you alive and make a hat out of you! – Rik yelled out.

-Oh, is that what your goddess teaches you?

-Chety! Shut up! – Bron finally stepped in.

The kobold rested his head on his hand and stirred his drink.

-Bron, you seem like a smart guy. Why do you still worship your war gods?

-For the love of! Tarek, aren’t you phased by any of this?

-Not, really, no. – He calmly drank – You see, I know Chety is in the wrong, but I believe that one day, he, as well as you two, will see the light of the one true God. Just because we disagree on our religious views, doesn’t mean that I can’t help you realize the Truth, for as it says in the scriptures: “We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us turned to our own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all”

The entire camp fell silent and glared at Tarek.

-What kind of sheep god do you worship? – Bron finally spoke up with a low, unnerved voice.

-No sheep god, my friend. I used to worship the winds and the sky, and the sun, as my people do. But my eyes were open to the ways of the desert elf Jesus Christ, the son of the one true God of all.

-Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight. You worship a desert elf?

-Well…yes, but not exactly. God, with all his wisdom, came to our world in an earthly form, that of his son, a desert elf, to spread the word…

-So he is his own son?

-In a sense, yes.

-I am confused…so you worship the son of your god, who is also your god? – Rik scratched her head, trying to wrap her mind around the concept.

-Listen. I will be more than happy to share my knowledge of the good book, but can we leave that for tomorrow? Tensions are high and we are not sober enough for a proper lecture. Besides… - he grabbed Chety, who was slowly drifting off and shook him up. – This little guy has a story to tell. Don’t think I didn’t see through your tricks, Rik. – he let out a heartfelt laugh as Rik pouted. – Come on, Chety, do your thing.

Chety looked at Tarek, eyes wide, and slowly handed him his pint. Tarek sighed and poured more rum into it.

Right. Now. Rik. She was there, naked. And there’s this mouse, right? Who’s like half her size. And they are arguing. And the mouse says “Whacha mean you ain’t a guy? What’s that then?”. And Rik’s all like “It’s a fake cock.”

-Pseudo penis – Rik corrected him.

Yeah. Whatever. Pseudo penis. And he says “What’s so pseudo about? It’s a cock!” and she says “It is what it is” and he says…

-You aren’t very good at this, are you? – Bron interrupted him, his face drenched in boredom.

-What do you mean? I’m great at this!

-I have to disagree – Tarek commented after a sip of his drink. – You are just going “he said, she said”. Maybe just get to the meat of the story?

-Fine.

From what I gathered. Tarek. Drink. From I what I gathered, thanks, Tarek. From what I gathered the mouse told her to go to the massage people for women, right? And Rik wasn’t having it, since they were already in the middle of the thing. So, as the guy was explaining the stuff, Rik just grabs him by the collar and pulls him closer. And then, hehe, and then! Then the fucking mouse just punches her right in the gut! HAHAHAHA! It was like whaptoo! Rik’s belly was an easy targer. She had one of those fancy towels under her back and her stomach was up. It was like the guy barely moved! And then…hehe. And then, as he punched her, she just goes hoooof! Like a rabbit’s fart! And she barely moves, trying to grab the guy again, the fucker just sort of twists his hand a bit and she puffs her cheeks! And I swear, this is true! I swear, the guy pushes even further! Like, like up to his elbow! He had short arms, yeah, but still! And Rik’s jaw drops and there’s this sound, like a snoring drake, right! And and and, the guy just start punching her over and over again! He belly was like butter! And Rik just sort half curls up, tongue flapping, eyes going up her head! Her fucking psi…pso…her fucking fake cock just flapping back and forth!

Chety had to stop the story, to catch his breath from laughter, along with the rest of the group. Rik just narrowed her eyes, her gaze shifting between the three.

And the guy just goes “You out of breath?”. And I don’t know what he did. He did like some fucking finger signs and punched her one last time. And Rik here, RIk just goes BROAAAAAAAAAAPPPP! The longest fucking belch I’ve ever heard! I’ve drank with orcs! I’ve drank with dwarves! I even had to bring ale to the mountain dragons of Skro! But I’ve never, in my entire life, heard a belch so loud or so long! And you know what the mouse does? You know? He just says “Pathetic.”. And he gives her one final punch right bellow the ribs! And she just freezes up! He takes his hand off her and she just kinda flaps down, like a dead fish! Tongue hanging out, eyes just looking at the ceiling! And the mouse jumps to the ground and yells out “Next!”

The laughter of the group filled the meadow as Chety finally drank the rest of his pint. Having had enough, Rik stepped in:

-He gave me a deep muscle massage! And he knew some kind of special points! Like the monks in the mountains! I was just…caught off guard…how could I have known he was some kind of super mouse!

-Yeah…- Bron answered in between laughs and tears. – Really, it happens to the best of us, doesn’t it? Now, I believe Tarek had a story for us as well?

Rik got up and directed herself towards her tent, but Bron grabbed her by the shoulder and pushed her down.

-No reason to hurry. The night is still young.

-Yeah. And I’m tired and Chety there’s passed out.

-Nah, I ain’t! – he pointed upwards, lying on the ground.

-See? He’s fine. Don’t tell me you are embarrassed because you are the butt of the joke for the first time? Is your gnoll pride so heavy, that you can’t take a few jokes from your friends?

-I…ugh…-she finally gave and eased in her seat.

-Good. Now then, Tarek, what is your story?