Please do not just scroll down to the end of the page. The illustration at the end might spoil parts of the story otherwise!
Dear reader,
I want to suggest the following song to you to listen to while reading. It will automatically loop and play once you open the link in a new tab.
Sheeta's Decision (cover)
Memories die slower
I am the last living being. And I know, I will follow my beloved soon. Sitting here in the middle of an ice desert, temperatures dropping more and more. I do not feel sorrow. Neither do I fear for my life. On the contrary: The light sound of the freezing wind blowing, the beautiful view of the stars above me and the sun, going to sleep for a last time for me - feels wonderful and calm. So silent, so peaceful.
I learned during my life that all we got is only borrowed from time. Some day we have to give back what was granted to us. Friends and family - all those we love have to leave us one day. What stays are the memories. As long as we can remember the times spent worthy, how they were and not how they ended, we remember the way we should.
I want to tell you how I learned to live this way. My hands, feet and wings feel so cold and I shiver more and more, but I wish to tell you of my life before I have to die.
It warms my heart to remember. I was the only child of my parents. They cared with all their love for me and as I grew older I learned to value them truly. When you grow up surrounded by tender care, you can only take it for granted till the day you learn what it feels like to be alone. The world can be harsh, but as long as there is a place where care and warmth awaits, it is a wonderful place.
When I grew of age I felt a longing. I did not know what to expect, but I told my father and he sent me out to find what my heart yearns for. While this thought to leave my home was so alien to me - it truly scared me in a strange fashion - my father just looked at me with gentle and confident eyes. These contrary emotions inside me were confusing. The wish to stay with those I love and the wish to search what draws me away from home were both trying to pull me in their very own directions.
Heavy hearted, understanding that change is part of life, I set out for the unknown. I was alone for a long time and no longer was in the comforting presence of my parents. I began to realise slowly, how much they gave me. I longed so strongly for a loving presence to share closeness with, it made me rage once in a while at first. My wings carried me without effort over the clouds. While I was flying on my very own path alone, I did not understand why I was going through this loneliness. What cruel feeling inside me could make me leave those I love, after all?
At first I was afraid. Plain fear was my only companion more than once. Then I began to fear for my parents. Would they feel as lonely as I felt? Will I ever see them again? At least they got each other. I tried to calm myself with this thought, but it rarely worked. I thought often about just returning home. But I could not.
After some time, I slowly got used to this unfamiliar situation and began to pay more attention to the world around me. I began to see its beauty. How the landscape changed during the turning of seasons. I managed to survive on my own and so I grew a confidence and self-awareness I never knew before. No matter how heavy it rained, above the clouds the sun always shines - this is something I learned to remember when my heart felt heavy. It reminds me to keep a bright mood.
On this journey, I learned to walk on my own path, unguided. Till the day I found my mate. She must have been on her search as well, being all alone far away from home. But as I got to know, she had nobody to return to.
When we met for the first time, curiosity and admiration for each other was at once mutual. It felt like I found a missing part of my own soul. She approached me, looked into my eyes and told me "Your scales are white as snow and your eyes blue like a rare gem, but I feel a warm heart inside you, although you look like you are carved out of ice".
My heart leaped when she allowed me to stay with her. To keep her company. It all was so unfamiliar and new to me. The emotions inside unexplainable, but curiosity suddenly feeling so natural. I felt I was on the right path after all and now I knew what made me leave home: To find the missing part of my soul.
We fell for each other and she will stay my mate till the end. Since that magical day, I felt complete. She was the light of my life and that is how I remember her.
After some time we decided to travel back to the place of my family and live there. My parents greeted us with joy and my mate was accepted without hesitance into the family. It felt so great to return home to all my beloved.
This journey has changed and rewarded me beyond imagination. I truly feel, I was surrounded by joy and luck. My parents, my friends and my mate. I feel like I was their focus of attention and love - just the same I gave them in return.
I will draw a circle around me - cut it into the ice with my claws. ... It feels so cold but I need to ... I do not know why, but it makes me happy to see this circle around me, but the few tears of joy I cry, freeze at once and my shivering slowly gets stronger - more violent. The cold is seeking its way into my bones, biting and hurting more and more with every breath I take. But I have to continue...
We were truly happy and healthy and never thought of the possibility that health could be only temporary. It was indeed a hard learned lesson: One day during hunting in very bad weather, lightning struck in front of me. I fell to the ground, was blind and my legs hurt from the crash - I was unable to move them without great pain. My parents and mate found me after many hours having followed my shouts. They had feared to have lost me. When I recognised them coming for me it calmed me a bit. They brought me home.
But even they could not take away the fear I had to go through. The fear of this condition maybe becoming permanent. The thought of maybe not seeing them again was almost unbearable. What felt worse I do not know: To be in pain or to be blind. I feared the pain would stay and change me - make me a morose character in the long run. Possibly becoming a burden to my beloved made my intestines twist and cramp. I wanted to stay an enriching part of their life, not cause them pain.
Reason does not work well here. No matter how much you know or try to convince yourself that everything will be fine: Not knowing what to expect can bring you to the verge of despair. I never told my mate, but even the thought of killing myself should I become a burden crossed my mind. But that thought was drowned each time, by the wish to not cause them pain this way. The same time I always wanted to at least try and live for them, when I cannot live for myself anymore.
The days passed and the light of my eyes - luckily - returned rather soon. I felt so relieved and looked at the world with different eyes ever since, knowing now, that it is not to be taken for granted, to have a healthy body. The first being I saw again was my mate and I felt like I never noticed truly how beautiful she is before. She cried in happiness when she was told so by me the very moment we looked into each other's eyes.
The pain remained for longer, but I grew confident. None of my beloved abandoned me during that time. I felt so wonderfully thankful not to be alone. True friends are those who are with you when you are in need. And I began to feel so peculiar rich. I admit I cried often, but after some time only out of happiness anymore. Such occurrences break the chain of old habits. It changed me - made me aware of the gifts of life I was granted to enjoy and when there was old bickering and anger before, now it was gone. I grew even closer to my friends and family. It still took months for my legs to heal, but finally they stopped giving me pain. It may sound strange, but nowadays I am kind of glad it happened - that I went through this fear and pain. I know I was lucky to have recovered fully, but ever since I felt to be more aware of what a good life I have. I began to pause every evening for a moment, thinking about all the events of the day. And I ended each day with a feeling of standing by how I spent it. Some days go well, some do not. Each new day is a new chance and you cannot change what is over, but only where you go.
The following years we lived happily and the wish to have a child dwelled in us. We tried it many times, but it was not ours to have offsprings at first. But when hope was almost gone, my mate suddenly told me to be expecting. A dream was about to come true and we could not ask for more.
She was even more cared for than usual and at least at times I got the impression we overdid it a bit - but who can be blamed? At least we always could chuckle together after my countless efforts to make it even more comfortable for her.
The months passed and our son was born. What a gift he was to us - the light of our hearts. The first time I held him in my arms: A moment I can never forget. How tiny and fragile he was, but full of life. We gave him all the love and care we could and he made us feel to be the most gifted parents in the world. Seeing how our little one grew slowly, hearing his first words, seeing how he made his first steps... I fail to describe how we felt. The memory even drives the cold around me away for a moment.
We were a true family and it felt like having achieved everything there is worth achieving. Our little one - we always called him this way, even though he quickly grew and it kind of annoyed him at times to be called this way - was a bright spirit. Eager to learn and often a good example for everybody, to keep a confident heart. Soon the time was ripe to begin teaching him how to fly. My son was not a natural you could say and it caused him trouble at first, but with all his attributes, we loved him. It just made him more unique. In the end he mastered his wings and soon achieved his first full flight. Naturally for our kind, it was a moment to have a celebration. Our son was on his way to maturing and this we celebrated with friends and family. The days passed by and life felt perfect.
I am afraid to tell what came next. Our luck was not meant to last. Like I learned already: It is not in question if it ends, but rather at what time it will end. One day I went flying with my beloved son. It was a beautiful time of the year, autumn winds blowing and the leafs changing to a rich, golden colour. Such warm colours, I can never forget them. My son was not as skilled yet as I was and even though we always tried to be careful he got caught by a sudden unforeseen strong wind and was thrown against the sharp edge of a rock. I do not know if the shivering I feel now is because of the memory or the cold, but ... it broke his neck at once. My son ... was dead.
I could not think anymore. I just remember how I carried my dead son home, not saying a word - being in shock. It is such a cruel thing when parents outlive their children. Now we knew how it feels and it seems I would have given anything to not feel anything anymore. Winter lay before us, but in our hearts, it already was cold and dark. Grieving was our destiny for a long time and the question if it was my fault, nearly broke my heart. Could I have done anything to prevent the death of my son? I do not know, not even today. Our friends and family were always there for us, but at times we just wanted to be alone. I know my mate and I were not the best company for long, but who could blame us? When there were words spoken in anger and sorrow, our beloved ones forgave us. I am so thankful that we were granted such trusting and faithful friends. Without them, I doubt we would have managed to get over the sorrow.
But indeed In the end we left the grief behind us. We realised that we should not remember our beloved son in pain, but with all the love and joy he gifted us. We wondered, how we would like to be remembered when we pass away. Not in sorrow ... We learned, that nothing of the time that made us so happy together with our child is undone. Suddenly it felt foolish to judge years of luck by a short moment of loss. Of course it hurts... so much. He not was, but is the light of our hearts. We learned to remember him with joy and once more felt the warmth of heart he gave us. After all the grieving cannot outweigh the luck and fortune that was granted to us through his existence. Would I be offered the choice to either have lived my life how it went, or to be spared the loss and never having been a father, then I know, I would choose the same again.
Maybe this world will remember him when I pass away. I carve a path of life into the ice in memory of my son. But no path is just straight. They change direction often - paths of life twist and turn unexpectedly - and then suddenly end.
We knew we had lived in a truly good way so far. But now we enjoyed it to the fullest, knowing how quickly it can end. We became even more aware of each other and sometimes just sat there, wings draped around each other's back and felt close, watching the sun go down and the stars appearing. Sometimes we wondered which of these little lights might be our son's star and just talked to the sky, telling our son of how our day went and what was on our minds - a habit we kept ever since.
Just like I am talking now to whatever might be there to listen. It is relieving in some way, but also reassuring to tell the story of my life. To go through it all once more and knowing - feeling reassured - to have lived a wonderful life and not being in the need to feel afraid. It is getting colder and colder, but I feel so calm and confident. It ... is indeed okay to me when it has to end this evening. I do not regret anything.
But yes, my parents ... When I looked at my parents one day, I knew they would leave us sooner than later as well, growing of old age. But strangely, neither me, nor my mate felt sorrow when this thought stroke us. When we realised that once more the time to say goodbye is there. It was strange, but we knew we had spent every day with my parents with full awareness. We did not feel we could have spent the common time better in any way. We stayed with my parents and just spent the last moments in loving closeness. This time, sorrow did not catch us in its grasp for long. What could be more beautiful anyway than to turn the last moments together with a beloved one into a loving memory and not a sad one? My parents knew that they gave us all the love we needed and received our love in return. There was nothing to regret. Their funeral was held in respectful silence, but I could only feel appreciation among those present, exchanging stories of the past and remembering together. My parents were always remembered, but life has to go on.
We needed some time away, so we began to travel, to once more become speechless seeing the richness and diversity of the world. This second time far away from home made us grow within and expand our horizon, now judging everything with more knowledgeable eyes. Many troubles we survived and many wonders we could witness and when we returned home, we had many stories to tell.
The seasons began to get colder already. But our time on this world is too short to worry about it. My mate and I enjoyed the still warm sun in summer, the beautiful landscapes in autumn and winter and greeted the new year in spring, admiring how colourful the world once more became. We valued each moment spent together. Of course life is not just one-sided. We had our arguments and troubled times, but it just served as reminder of how much we value and love each other. After all I never stopped loving her.
We never had offsprings anymore, but we felt happy to see our friends become parents and even grandparents. We grew older slowly and were held in great esteem, but never looked old - maybe because our hearts managed to stay young. Life gives and life takes and when the latter occurred, we always did our best to be a strong shoulder to rely on. Strength is not gained by chance and so what we had gone through together turned out to have made us stronger and as some told us - wiser.
The seasons continued to cool down and we told the young of warm summers and mild winters, of long travels and stunning landscapes - we told them about the wonders of a world that appeared more and more hostile each year. But the colder it became around us, the warmer our hearts grew. And with every single friend's passing away, or leaving, we tried to keep another worthy memory. This place now being an ice desert is my home, once an astonishing, rich and green landscape. The place where it all began and where I was shown the joys of life. Now it is of a different beauty. The white plains, silent and calm. The gentle winds blowing are still familiar to me, although they are like a freezing grasp now. But the feelings inside me seem to have come to a rest long ago. A peaceful and aware condition.
My dearest slumbered away in my arms just today. I know she still lives on in my heart and we spent the final moment together like we learned we should: Without sorrow or regret, but in a tender care for each other we always felt since the very first moment we met. The gentle smile on her face... her eased expression while she fell asleep is like a gem to me. What greater memory could I ask for?
I decided to wait in remembrance here, some steps away from the graves of my family, talking to the world for a last time. And while I tell you all this, I carve more life-lines into the ice. One individual line for every being residing in my heart.
All my beloved continue to live in my memories. After all, when somebody remembers you, you live on - you cannot die... May these lines carved into the ice - for each friend, for my parents, for my mate, for all those I was allowed to accompany - serve as a reminder of them for all eternity when I am no longer there to remember. The sun that warmed our world is gone, but my sun will always warm me. I learned to follow it's light in troubled times.
Please find your light in life. Whatever it is you value and love, find it and gather beautiful memories. Sometimes we get too used to those around us. Get aware of what you value in every single one. Look at them with your heart and realise how much warmth and strength they give you. After all there must be a reason why you are friends, mates or family. A reason for feeling richer with them. And never take anybody or anything for granted.
My story ends here. I feel so nice and warm now. My heart ... feels warm. The cold seems gone and sleep is overwhelming me. Before I pass away I have a favour to ask you. In the same way you would like to be remembered - with warmth in heart: Please remember my story. Let ... me live on ... Please remember me....
The End
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