CHAPTER 1 - The Intern Outcome

Thirty floors high and taking up a quarter of a city block, the Parker & Sons building was hard to miss. Three interns (Jeremy the fox, Benjamin the squirrel, and Monica the bear) approached the front doors, dressed in their tasteful business attire. After entering the spacious lobby, they approached the front desk and made themselves known as the company's new interns. "Welcome to Parker & Sons." said the lady at the desk. "Mr. Knight has been expecting you. You'll find him at the top floor. Take the elevators to your right."

"Thank you." said Jeremy. Not knowing what to expect, they proceeded to the first available elevator. It was a slow ride up, and no one else entered. At the top floor, they managed to find the CEO's office. A deer was sitting in a green leather chair, surrounded by multiple shelves full of trinkets, awards, and other decorations. On an elegant desk of lacquered wood rested a name plate: Lawerence Knight. The deer rested his elbows on the desk, interlocking his fingers as he greeted his trio of new blood with a subtle smirk. "The new interns, I assume. I'm sure you're eagar to start your first day. I already have some duties to assign."

"Good afternoon, Mr. Knight." said Jeremy, "This is Benjamin, and this is Monica. We're alumni from UCLA."

"I don't doubt your credentials, but I run a tight ship. We're one of the most prestigious marketing firms in the country. I expect professionalism, ambition, and the ability to resolve conflicts diplomatically. You're not here to take a guided tour. You're here to work."

"We understand, Mr. Knight. What assignments do you have for us?"

"Benjamin has a copy machine to repair. Monica will help with our current marketing campaign. As for you, Jeremy... I need you to refill my coffee."

"That's all I am?" Jeremy protested, "A coffee courier?"

"Would you prefer a janitorial role?"

"Coffee courier it is!"

"Excellent." said Mr. Knight as he handed Jeremy his mug. "You'll find the coffee maker down the hall, third door on the right. One cream, one sugar."

Jeremy expected to find a typical household coffee maker. Instead, he found something that wouldn't be out of place in a science fiction space station. The full color touchscreen was highly elaborate, with options for cream quanity, sugar quanity, foam ratio, temperature, boldness, richness, flavor, and allergy accommodations. Out of anything a marketing firm could spare no expense for, a high tech machine that productes caffinated liquid to one's exact specifications was definitely one of them. Not knowing what parameters Mr. Knight wanted, Jeremy returned to his office. "Your coffee maker is very elaborate." he said, "I need to know exactly what you want."

"I apologze. I use that machine so often that I don't even have to think about it. One cream, one sugar, 198 degrees (fahrenheit, not celsius!), medium boldness, high richness, hazelnut favor."

"I'll bring it to you right away!" said Jeremy before he left the office again. He began to wonder how the other interns were faring with their respective duties. Surely Benjamin and Monica had more exciting things to do on thier first day... right?

Benjamin found the broken copy machine, the bane of many businesspeople. Compared to the coffee maker, it was practically ancient by comparison, displaying the infernal "PC LOAD LETTER" error on its seven segment display. No matter how many buttons he pressed or settings he changed, nothing worked. He could only imagine how many butt scans it took to break it. The best case scenario was a paper jam. The worst case scenario was a total loss. Thinking back to his business education, there are few problems that can't be solved with a baseball bat and a tax write-off. After ten minutes of troubleshooting, he kicked the machine in a fit of rage... and it suddenly started working again. "Finally!" he said, "I bet Monica is having a lot more fun than I am."

The entire meeting room was full of marketing experts, animals of many colors and species, and Monica was in the middle of it. "We need nine out of ten dentists to recommend White Fang toothpaste. What if we can't find them?" asked an Afghan Hound in a red blazer. "Then we keep looking." said a cat in a green blazer. "Dentists are some of the easiest people to get recommendations from. We don't even have to put them in the commercial." said a wolf in a blue blazer. It was like being at a Thanksgiving dinner, but without the food. Just people in blazers arguing and complaining. The wolf looked at Monica, who had previously been ignored. "You're the new intern, from what I've heard. Is there anything you'd like to contribute?"

"I thought our marketing campaign would be a little more exciting. How hard is it to advertise toothpaste?"

"Apparently very hard. And that's before getting nine out of ten dentists."

"Have you tried viral marketing? Getting TV and movie stars?"

"Unfortunately, toothpaste is one of those products that doesn't command a high advertising budget."

 The meeting continued, and no one showed even a hint of excitement. An hour later, it finally concluded, with little to no progress made. Monica was glad to get out of there, at least for a change of scenery. Cubicles and filing cabinets dominated the white-walled room. Jeremy and Benjamin caught up with Monica a few moments later. "My first day in the cubicle jungle was... interesting." said Benjamin, "Copy machines, paperwork, printers, and a million things that should have just been emails."

"But the coffee maker is amazing." said Jeremy.

"As long as we don't have to do commericals for new soda formulations, I'll love this job!" said Monica.

It was only a matter of time until these three interns became employees. Neckties, coffee, and meetings from nine to five. Office work is certainly not for everyone, but you can't deny the appeal of animals in blazers.