That night in the park with Blain was the only time in my life where he talked to me about the war. About the things he saw and experienced there in Sercia. It moved me for sure to hear his story… I saw how he struggled to get back into society and to get used to a normal life again. To be around family and friends to support him was very difficult for him. He just didn't know how to deal with it… Blain did receive therapy and guidance in order for him to get back into society but sometimes I had the feeling that it wasn't enough…  Every once in a while, he still had his setbacks but whenever that happened, I was there for him, like I promised him… And he was there for me when I needed it the most…

Needless to say, things didn't change with Nikki. It stayed the same… Every time I was with her, she was distant with me… A cuddle and a kiss sometimes… But that was all there was to it… I didn't know what she wanted from me anymore, what she would expect from me… What I could do to turn things around and to make it work… I often had the feeling that Nikki already gave up on me instead and what we had together… It's not easy to be in love with someone who doesn't seem to have the same feelings for you… It's so hollow and empty, making it pointless… It used to give me purpose but now everything became meaningless… Even the sex… But despite that, I still slept with her… Not nearly as much as I used to but… I thought that I was able to express my feelings for her that I wasn't able to express in words… Hoping that it might've made her see things differently… To give me that one thing I always needed the most… Reassurance… To know that she loves me… Nikki always said that she has feelings for me but it didn't felt like that and I often thought that she only did that for the sex… But despite that, I always came back to her… Simply because it gave me hope…

I wasn't able to talk about my relationship problems with my family or friends… I know I've always said that being with a girl isn't any different than being with a guy but… Truth is, I knew that people have been through similar things and yet they never seemed to place themselves in my situation… So was being with a girl really that different…? I suppose it is… No one in my family ever had a lesbian relationship before… At least, not that I know off… And besides, I was too embarrassed to talk about it… Embarrassed to know that I used sex as a way to save whatever we had left… To use sex as a way to keep her with me… To me, it felt as if sex was the only thing that kept us together, while I wanted so much more than that. And even during the sex, I was being neglected by her… Talking about it never helped, simply because she never knew what to say… Nikki never gave in to my needs… Instead, she always told me that she needed time and that it still confused her… I didn't want to make things worse by forcing her into doing something she's totally not comfortable with… And yet I still had sex with her… It's actually kind of sad, isn't it…? To think that you'll be able to save your relationship by having sex…? Cherishing hope that things will get better once you've slept with her…? I don't suppose it would but how the hell would I know…? It's the only way I've ever known…

'You gonna see your girl tonight, Ceylan?'
'Ha, good one… No, I'm not going to her… Think I'll just, you know… Sit at home and watch some stupid people on YouTube instead.'
'Surely there must be a better way to spend your Friday evening.'
'What, besides smoking a blunt with you?'
'Hehehe…'
'She doesn't even call me whenever I haven't seen her in a while…'
'I don't understand, why don't you just break up with her if she makes you feel so miserable?'

I shrugged my shoulders the moment I took a puff from the joint that Blain passed on to me… A deep inhale and all the troubles I had were solved for several minutes. Right after that, I passed the joint back to Blain.
'Seriously, I've never seen you so miserable before.'
'I just want so much more from her…'
'Look, just tell her how you feel. Set an ultimatum or something.'
'And put more pressure on Nikki by forcing my expectations on her? No, I don't think that'll work… '
'Yeah I know but seriously, if you don't see any change, you really need to think about what makes you happy and if you really want to stay with her.'
'I try to talk to her about it every time but-'
'You try to talk to her about it for more than half a year now, Ceylan…'
'Heh… How'd you know?'
'Because you said so yesterday. And the day before. Aaaand the day before…'
'Ah…'
'You really need to start thinking about yourself now.'
'I guess… Every time I had a relationship with someone, I always fucked it up… Did or said things which made them disappear out of my life… I just don't want that anymore…'
'I know what you need.'
'What?'
'You need to find a girl and get laid ASAP.'
'Not again…'
'No, I'm serious! When was the last you had sex that you actually enjoyed?'
'A long, loooong time ago…'
'Exactly.'
'You'll never see me do such a thing… And besides, it wouldn't feel right to cheat on her…'
'It wouldn't be cheating unless you get caught.'
'Hehe… No… But I would know…'
'You were way happier back when Samantha was still around.'
'Yeah, yeah, yeah…'
'No, for real! Samantha was smoking hot!'
'I know, I know…'
'By the way, did you and Sam ever... Ya know?'
'You keep asking the same question for years and you'll get the same answer I've always given you. Ask her.'
'I did, she told me I had to ask you.'
'She'll give you the answer next time you ask.'
'Right. At least I tried.'
'Hehehe..'
'You know what?'
'What?'
'You and I are going out tonight.'
'Wait, what?'
'Yeah, I can't stand to see you so miserable.'
'Uhm…'
'You know a place where you'd like to go?'
'Uh… Do I really have to…? I mean, I honestly don't feel like going out… I'm perfectly fine here in the park with you…'
'I wasn't suggesting.'
'Ah…'
'We're going out, have a lot fun and who knows, we might get laid if we play our cards right.'
'I “might" get laid?'
'Yeah, sure. We should definitely go to a titty bar.'
'Didn't you have plans…?'
'I do now! And so do you!'
'… Do we really have to go to a titty bar?'
'Yes!'
'No, bad idea… Alcohol and half naked ladies don't go very well with me…'
'Hehehehe… Don't let that stop you.'
'Pfff, I don't know, Blain…'
'What, you're gonna tell me that you want to sit here and mope around?'
'No…'
'Then come on, lets have fun and go out together! Let's go somewhere, man!'

There was no point in arguing with Blain whenever he had his mind set on something. He was gonna do it and no one would ever be able to talk him out of it. Not even I was able to. I looked at him while he had that big innocent smile on his face… I supposed I could use some distraction… Not to think of her for a while and at least try to have fun… I looked back at Blain and figured he always had ways to cheer me up whenever things were looking down… And I figured it wouldn't be any different that evening… So I smiled right back at him…
'Yeah, well… I suppose I could use a drink…'
'Alright!'
'One drink, that's it.'
'Where'd you like to go then? O'Malley's?'
'No… I know a girl who works at Topanga's. She might get us free drinks.'
'Topanga's?? Shiiiiiit, you know your places!'
'I've never been there though. I'm not planning to get wasted.'
'Naah, we'll keep it casual, just you and me.'
'Alright… Let's go then.'
'Hold on, let's finish this first! It's only nine o'clock, Topanga's hasn't even opened yet!'

He took a puff from his joint and looked at me as he handed it over to me. I looked at him with a frown and all he did was smiling right back at me…

The two of us went home at around half past ten to get changed. Blain told me that Topanga's has a dress code so you can't just walk in with sneakers and a hoodie. While I was at home sniffing around in my closet, I found a dark black evening dress I haven't worn a lot. The lower half reaches down just above my knees and has these little frills. The upper half is simple; the top is kept with two small straps over my shoulders. You can't really wear these kind of dresses with a bra. To see the straps of your bra just doesn't cut it with a dress like that and besides, it's really uncomfortable to wear one underneath. The dress fitted perfectly… Not too tight, not too loose.. The dress showed a lot of cleavage though… And as for the shoes…? Black pumps… Who says women take all the time in the world to get dressed? I was dressed and did my hair within half an hour… Then again, I wasn't putting any make-up on me…

Blain and I took a cab to down-town Ravello, where the bustling nightlife already started. I saw people were waiting in lines to enter a club while we were driving and I have to admit, clubs have never been my thing. It's way too crowded for me… If anyone else asked if to come along, I would've said no but I wasn't able to say no to Blain. So many people were looking for a way to celebrate the end of the week and so were we. I looked at Blain who was staring outside the window at all those neon signs as we passed Shoremont Avenue… It's so colourful and so bright with all those advertisements… You can actually see it from Nikki's bedroom window in the suburbs… When I first got here in Renaria, I used to look outside the window during the night and wondered how people were able to sleep with all those lights on… It wasn't until many years later I found out that they don't sleep at all… Blain noticed I was looking at him and smiled… And while I was looking at him, I couldn't help but to think he looked so much different than he used to… He look really good the way he was dressed… He was wearing a black suit without a tie and a light blue blouse underneath… Handsome was the word that came into mind when I saw him like that…

It was around half passed twelve when we reached Topanga's and made our way to the lobby. The club itself looked really classy and had this distinct interior design that combined old with new. It was fairly dark inside but the countless of neon lights illuminated the place… While we were standing in line to get in, I could already hear the music and it wasn't anything like that trance/dance shit you'd normally expect in a club. I didn't know what genre it was supposed to be but the beats were relaxed and slow-paced and reminded me a lot of R&B, except it wasn't. Blain paid for us at the entrance and so, we got in. The two of us headed immediately to the bar…
'So, you ready to get this going?'
'Ready.'
'That doesn't sound convincing! We really need to go for this, alright?'
'Haha! Well, I'm not gonna go too far.'
'Damn it, that's not what I wanna hear! Are we gonna have fun tonight or what?!'
'Yes! Haha!'
'Ready to forget all the worries you have?!'
'Whooo!'
'Are you gonna forget about your girlfriend tonight and all the shit she brings along?!'
'Uhm… Okay, yeah…? Sure, I suppose…?'
'… Fuck it, we'll get to that later. Bartender?'
'What can I get you?'
'Two Jägerbombs, please.'
'Coming up.'

The bartender got hold of two glasses and filled it up with beer and two small glasses in which he poured Jägermeister… He placed the drinks on the counter and after Blain paid him, he took the small glass of Jägermeister and dropped it in his glass of beer. He looked at me for a short moment when I just stood there, holding my glass of beer. And that's when he picked up my glass of Jägermeister and dropped it in my glass as well.
'You're supposed to drop it in your glass of beer?'
'Yes. Okay, ready?'
'Ready.'
'You're supposed to drink it in one go!'
'Oh God… I'm not gonna like this.'
'Three, two, one, go…!!'

I never really was the one for drinking beer… Well, never really was the one for alcohol in the first place. The moment I followed Blain's example, I tasted the ice-cold beer and the liquorice sweet flavoured Jägermeister… I don't like to drink beer and Jägermeister separately but it actually tasted good when it's combined… Blain already finished his while I was still half way but somehow, I did managed to drink everything in one go… I gasped for air the moment I finished and slammed the glass on the counter… Blain looked at me and had a huge smile on his face…
'Haha, that's my girl! Yeah!'
'Fuck, I feel lightheaded already…'
'The night is still young! Don't let it go to waste!'

Blain ordered two more shots and even though I said I was only gonna have one drink, I still followed his example… This time, it was Flügel and like the previous one, had to drink it in one go… That stuff was way, waaay too sweet, as if I just swallowed a bag of sugar down my throat… Blain saw the look on my face and laughed his ass off…

At some point, Blain and I took a seat in the lounge and sat somewhere relatively quiet in the back. The music wasn't too loud so we had no trouble hearing each other. I flopped down on the sofa as Blain sat across me and we started talking once more. And well, I once said that Blain was the only one I could talk about sex the way that guys do. Sooooo the subject inevitably changed to sex, despite being in a public place… Considering I already had two shots and was a little tipsy, I was way more open about it than usual. It didn't came in mind that our conversation could be overheard by anyone who were sitting close to us… So yeah, alcohol can make you do strange things…
'You're shitting me.'
'No! Haha, I'm serious, Ceylan!'
'Wow…'
'Say all you want about Rachel but she was fucking awesome in bed.'
'I think you mean that quite literally.'
'Yes! But you know, then some shit happened and I broke up with her. Several months later, I met another girl at O'Malley's.'
'You did? You never told me that before!'
'Yeah.'
'You fell in love with her?'
'Uhm… Well, not quite.'
'You got me curious.'
'We both really liked each other but I didn't want to have a relationship. Soooooo… I was honest about it. I told her I wasn't relationship material and neither was she but asked me if I wanted to have sex with her.'
'… She became your fuck-buddy??'
'Something like that, yeah. But because we were both honest about it, we knew what we could expect from each other.'
'… A fuck-buddy??'
'Yes. To put it simply, I wanted to have sex with her and she agreed.'
'Nothing else…??'
'No, haha!'
'Wow… Do you still see her?'
'Naaah… Once I came back from Sercia, I met up with her. She told me she moved on and had a boyfriend. Perfectly understandable. And that's when we decided to go our separate ways.'
'I see… When was the last time you slept with her?'
'Two days before I shipped off, so… I didn't get laid in well over two years.'
'Wow, uh… How'd you do that?'
'What?'
'How did she became your fuck-buddy?'
'Two things: Know the right things to say and be totally awesome in bed.'
'Hahaha! So you're “totally awesome" in bed now?'
'I don't mean to brag but I do know a thing or two about going “down undah"… Rachel taught me a looooooot of things about being awesome…'
'Hehehe…'
'Tell her what she wants to hear. Girls have a sensitive spot when it comes to that.'
'Yeah, it's called a “clitoris".'
'Whahaha! No, but seriously, you know it yourself. Say all the right things, always be honest about what you want and I'll guarantee you'll get laid.'
'What'd you use as your opening line when you first met her?'
“Whoops, I seemed to have dropped my double XL condom for my monster dong."
'Hahahahaha, oh my god, you can't be serious!!'
'Haha! It did the trick!'
'Because she believed you have a monster dong??'
'No, because I made her laugh!'
'Haha! Wow… Was she impressed when she saw your “monster dong"?'
'More or less… Hehehehehe…'

On the sofa next to us, I saw a group of around six girls who were having fun but two caught my attention the moment I turned my head. One of them looked at me and quickly averted her eyes the moment she saw I was watching her. They were whispering to each other and made me think that they were eavesdropping on our conversation while I was staring at them from the corner of my eyes… I wasn't listening to Blain anymore but tried to hear what they were talking about instead… Sadly, I didn't get any of it… I got snapped out of it all of a sudden, when Blain poked me. I saw a waitress standing next to him holding a tray of empty glasses.
'- Ceylan?'
'Huh, what? I'm sorry?'
'You want another drink?'
'Uhm, sure, I'll have a Daiquiri.'
'Bacardi on the rocks for me, please.'

Like Meagan said, all the waitresses were dressed in really sexy outfits… The waitress was an incredibly sexy vixen… Mid twenties, I think… Bushy tail, lovely curves… Green eyes and long blonde hair… Incredible legs with high heels… Skimpy miniskirt, yet very classy… And she had a very beautiful, sexy smile… Sadly, that smile wasn't meant for me… Blain had a confident smile on his face as her eyes were locked straight into his… She walked off as Blain turned around to watch her leave… She looked back one more time before she disappeared behind the bar… No doubt that Blain was being hit on… But why the hell did it had to be in my presence? I mean, don't they see I'm with him and that I might be his girlfriend who wouldn't like any of that?? I know I'm not his girlfriend but still… I could've been… I didn't like it whenever a girl was flirting with him while I was around… But that's just me being selfish, I guess…
'Damn, I'd hit that all night…'
'Hehehe…'
'If a girl like her would ask you to have sex, would you do it?'
'Pfff… Honest answer?'
'Definitely. Don't tell me you would look at her personality first.'
'And not being in a relationship.'
'Suppose you're NOT in a relationship.'
'I'd still like to get to know her better before I go to bed with her…'
'… Seriously?? Haha, what the hell is wrong with you?! You're gonna turn down a girl like her!?'
'No! I just… I'm just not like that…'
'Let me put it this way. Would you like to?'
'… Yes, definitely.'
'Then what's the problem?'
'I don't know…'
'Oh man, you've got issues…!'
'Hehehe…'
'No, I'm serious!'
'Would you?'
'You kidding me?! I'd do her all night.'
'But you wouldn't even know her!'
'So? Why would you get to know her if its just about having sex?'
'Psh… Whatever happened that turned you like that?'
'A relationship happened to me! And that's when I realized I just want to have sex and not get all cozy with her and shit. If you tell a girl you want to have sex with her and she agrees, why the hell not?!'
'Hm…'
'I don't know you like this, man! You're so miserable ever since you've been in a relationship with her!'
'Yeah…'
'And maybe you're just not cut out for having a relationship.'
'Like you are?'
'Yes, like I am, I was fucking miserable too! I know what your problem is.'
'Do tell.'
'You're thinking too much about it. Find a girl, have fun, have sex. You said it yourself, that you want sex the most so just do it and don't think about it.'
'Heh… I suppose you're right…'
'What exactly is it that your afraid of?'
'I'm afraid that once I tell a girl I have feelings for her, that she'll reject me… It happened a lot and that really hurts…'
'Yeah I know but… That's why you shouldn't get too personal with her if you just want to have sex. It's all about having a good time.'
'But what if she wouldn't like me?'
'One night stands aren't based on someone's personality, Ceylan. It's all based on first impressions, good looks, and how great you are in bed.'
'I hardly believe that…'
'Don't tell me you'd walk up to a girl who took a nose-dive from the ugly tree, hitting every branch on the way down, but would have sex with her anyway because she is really nice and caring?'
'No…'
'Exactly! Good looks are the decisive factor and if there's a click between the two of you, why not!?'
'I don't know about good looks though…'
'What, if she looks good? You get to decide that for yourself.'
'No, I mean… I'm just… About myself…'
'You're saying you doubt your looks? Dude, cut the bullshit. You're smoking hot, don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. I'm guy, I would know.'
'Hehehe…'
'And who cares if she's a bitch? As long as the sex is really good, right? You'll part ways and you'll never see her again.'
'True… I do want someone who's really sweet and caring… That still plays a huge roll for me.'
'During sex, yes!'
'Haha! Yeah… But still…'  
'Here are your drinks.'

Like she came out of nowhere, that same waitress came back with our drinks. And while she was bending over to put our drinks on the table, I had really good look on her ass… “God, that's just so fucking perfect…" As if she did that deliberately… I had a smile on my face the moment I looked back at Blain and he noticed that… Blain smiled right back at me and he looked at the waitress instead…
'Excuse me, what's your name?'
'Jessica.'
'Can I ask you something, Jessica?'
'Of course, go right ahead.'

“Don't you fucking dare, Blain…! I swear to God, I mean it!! Damn you!!'

'See, I'm having a discussion with my friend here and I'm just curious. I'd like to ask your opinion about it, if you don't mind.'
'Sure, what's it about?'
'What is your honest first impression when you see her?'
'Thank you, Blain, for that totally inappropriate, awkward situation you got me into…'
'My first impression?'
'Yes?'
'She looks very beautiful.'
'Heh, thank you…'
'Did her personality played a part in your judgement?'
'No, I suppose not. A first impression is always based on appearance and not on personality. That's why it's called a first impression.'
'See, Ceylan? Now you hear it from someone else.'
'Yeah, yeah…'
'Hehehehehe… How much for the drinks?'
'Fifteen dinar please.'

Blain was about to grab his wallet when I already took mine out from my purse. Figured he paid everything else, so it was my turn to pay up instead. The waitress smiled at me when I handed her the money and looked me straight in the eyes… After she gave me the change back, she looked at Blain while he gave her a little wink while she smiled right back at him… And so, she went off…
'You hear that, she thinks you're very beautiful.'
'Yeah, well, that doesn't mean she wants to have sex with me.'
'You know, I've read somewhere that half of all the females in the world are bi curious! Get their attention and you'll definitely get what you want. You of all people should know what girls like best!'
'Yeah, I suppose…'
'Hehehe…'
'Blain?'
'Yeah?'
'Please don't put me in awkward situations next time you're flirting with someone…'
'Haha!'
'Pffff…'
'I really don't understand what the issue is. You want it so bad but you're so caught up with all of your worries and insecurities that you forget the most important.'
'Which is…?'
'Sex is supposed to be fun! Don't question it, just have a really good time with the girl you want to have sex with!'
'Psh, yeah… Good luck to find a girl who exactly wants the same thing as I do…'
'You're just too damn picky.'
'I'm not, I just haven't found a girl yet who could make me feel good about such things, which is why I never had a one-night stand before… And even if there was a girl, I probably wouldn't do it.'
'What about Samantha?'
'I might if she would ask me but… She's not here…'
'But if she was?'
'Hehehe… Well… Depends… I think that things will be a lot more different when she's back.'
'What exactly would you expect if something like that would happen?'
'I just, you know… I just want to be taken care off… It would be very nice to be on the receiving end for once.'
'What would you like then?'
'Haha! Wow… Uhm… Well, you know… “The usual"… But… For a very, very long time…'
'Tell that to the girl you know who wants to have sex with you and you'll have the night of your life.'
'Yeah, I suppose…'

All of a sudden, another waitress came to our table who brought another Daiquiri and a Bacardi on the rocks. Blain and I were kind of surprised because we didn't order anything new… We didn't even finished the drinks we ordered before.
'Wait, I think there's a mistake, another waitress already brought us our drinks.'
'With compliments from the two ladies in the back.'
'Compliments?'

I turned around and I saw those girls who were giggling behind us earlier sitting somewhere alone, separated from their group of friends. I raised my glass, gave them a smile and a nod to thank them for the drink. I just thought they were trying to be nice but luckily, Blain already saw through what was happening… I'm kind of naïve when it comes to these kind of things…
'That's very nice of them.'
'Hmmm, I think one of them is trying to hit on you.'
'Haha! Naaaah, they're definitely checking you out!'
'… Or maybe we're both getting hit on.'
'Fat chance…'
'We wouldn't know if we don't ask.'
'You wanna go over to them?'
'It would be the polite thing to do after they bought us a drink.'
'I suppose…'
'Let's go meet them.'

Blain looked at me with a smile and I realized what he was after. It seemed a little too convenient, especially with the conversation the two of us were having. I wasn't thinking too much about it so I just grabbed my drink and followed Blain… Once we got to them, those girls were looking at us and smiled… I think they were in their early twenties or something… One of them was a leopard, with black, short spiky hair and the other girl was a blonde lynx… They were dressed like pretty much everyone else in this place… The leopard was wearing a sexy dark blue dress with black pumps while the lynx was wearing a black dress with open high heels… It's exactly like that waitress said: A first impression is always based on appearance, not on personality… And what a first impression that was… The two of them were smoking hot… What happened next was something I never expected… I knew what Blain was after but honestly didn't think that those girls were looking for the same… And perhaps it was the same thing I was looking for as well… Then again, alcohol can make you do strange things…