Twas the night before Christmas.  Everyone was asleep except for me who had insomnia. There was really no reason for me to be up, but nights like this are getting to be too often now. They were so often I had to move to the basement so as not to disturb my parents or siblings with my nightly activities. Lately I have given up on having a normal sleeping schedule and just more focus on killing time as the night passes. Watching videos. Playing old games on refurbished systems. I’d like to say i have unfortunately adjusted too well to nightlife.

I glance at the corner of the screen. 2:16 AM 12/25/2020. So it’s christmas morning now. I remember all those attempts I made to stay up late to see Santa. I used to struggle keeping myself up until eleven, but now I can do it without meaning to. “Maybe I should talk with a doctor about my insomnia once christmas is over.”

I heard heavy footsteps above my room. Considering my new room is directly under the livingroom, I am used to hearing footsteps above me. It must be Dad. What is he doing up so late? I figured it would be better to just ask him instead of wondering. Besides, it beats looking online for games or watching videos.

I go up the stairs into the living room. The room was dark, the only light coming from the decked out christmas tree. I see a figure crouching besides it.

“Hey dad,” I say to the figure, “can we talk since you are up?” I turned on the lights without waiting for a response and was surprised with what I saw.

The person crouching beside the tree wasn't my dad, but someone else entirely. From head to toe he was decked out in a red suit. He turned to face me, an older polar bear who looked no older than his forties. He looked shocked to see me. Granted I was just as shocked.

“WHo are you?” I yelled making sure everyone in the house heard me, “ whoever the fuck you are you need to leave.”

The bear slowly got up, “now Michael, did your parents raise you to use such language?” He said calmly, speaking like he wasn't in the middle of doing something wrong like breaking into a house in the middle of the night.

I had my eyes locked onto him from the other side of the room. I reached down into my pocket to grab my phone but felt nothing but air. Shit, I must have left my phone downstairs. “Who are you and how do you know my name?”

The old bear scratched the back of his head, “I'll tell you but you would have to calm down first Michael. I really don’t mean you any harm and I am sorry to startle you like that.”

As he said that, I slowly started to calm down. I didn’t know why I was doing it, it just sort of happened, “so what are you doing here?”

“Well I am doing what I always do and delivering presents,” he showed an empty sack he was carrying, “I was about to put them down before you showed up.”

“A likely story, or you plan to steal them.” even though the words came out of my mouth, they didn’t really feel

He made a face, “Michael I do not like your tone or what you are implying. What happened to the nice boy who helped younger kids with their homework at the after school club growing up?”

“How do you know that? Only my friends and family know and I never saw you before.”

He shrugged, “I can understand that, but I want you to think for a second. It should be obvious to anyone who I am without thinking about it too hard. Come on Michael, you are a bright kid, I'm sure you can figure this one out.”

I take a moment to think. I called it thinking but the real answer came to me in a second. Honestly there could be only one answer. “Wait, are you really him?”

He smiled, “Seems like you figured it out.” he walked over to me. I saw him place a hand on my head and he started to pat me, “you certainly grew up a lot Michael.”

I didn’t fight off the pats to the head. I was too stunned to speak for a moment. Here before me was the one everyone wishes to meet the one night of the year where he travels the world delivering presents to the kids who have been good all year. The man who every kid has heard of growing up. The jolly man himself: Santa Claus.

Without thinking I wrapped my arms around him in a big hug. My body was shaking, “you’re real,” my voice was trembling, “you’re really real.”

Santa held me tight, “I'm real Michael.”

We stood there in silence for a moment, but felt like it was an eternity. I was living every kid's dream at this moment and I couldn't even believe it myself.

Santa let go of me and I reluctantly followed suit. “It is really nice to see you tonight MIchael, you don’t know how happy that makes me.”

“That goes for me as well,” I can feel a big grin on my face. “I mean, you are the Santa Claus in my house. I wanted to meet you for so long. I remember staying up so late waiting for you but I just keep falling asleep.”

“I know,” he smirked, “whenever I saw you sleeping out here, I would always take you back to your room and put you to bed. You never once stirred while I carried you.”

“Was that how I ended up in my room those nights? I always figured Mom or Dad carried me back after I fell asleep.”

“Maybe on any other night, but on Christmas eve, I was doing that myself.”

“I guess i should apologize for those nights then.”

“Oh you don’t need to do that. I frankly enjoy doing it. It feels great knowing that kids always try to meet me so late at night and it helps break the routine of slow nights. Sometimes it is the adults I run into and that is something special as well.”

“Wait? You run into people during the night?”

“Well not every house i go to, but every once in a while, I run into an adult who couldn’t sleep and we end up doing the same thing as you just did right now.” he laughed, “it is always a joy to see my kids grow up like they did.”

“But wait, what are you doing here then? Aren’t I too old to receive gifts from you?”

“Nonsense, you have been a good boy all year so why shouldn’t you get gifts. Which reminds me,” Santa goes over to the tree and crouches down again. He reached into his sack and pulled out some small gifts and placed it onto some of the other gifts. “There you go, I am sure you are going to love this when you see it tomorrow. It's quite rare to ask for some older games for christmas.”

“Wait so you have been giving me gifts for years?”

“Yep, the gifts themselves did say ‘from Santa’ and everything.”

“Well, I just thought it was my parents or siblings just messing with me each year. I stopped believing in you so long ago.”

“Belief in me has nothing to do with whether or not I give you presents. As long as you are on the nice list, you get a gift no questions asked. Rather you are a kid or teenager, you’ll always be a good kid and deserve to be rewarded for your work.”

“Wow, i don’t know what to say except, thank you for all the gifts.”

He laughed again, “think nothing about it. It's rare for someone to be on the nice list as long as you have. So I decided to pull up all the stops for you this year as a reward for being a nice kid. It was the least I could do.” as he said those last words, it felt like his whole demeanor changed. While earlier he was happy, now he just looked a bit sad. “Yeah, just one year left.”

“Santa, is something wrong?”

“No I,” he paused, “no I should tell you, you deserve to know at least.” Santa sat down on the couch. He pats the stop next to him, “take a seat.”

I sat besides him.

“You see Michael, this year is the last year I can give you presents.”

“Why what's wrong? Was it something I did?”

“No no, it's not your fault. It's just how things work out. See, to make sure everything runs smoothly up north, there is a system in place. One of the rules in place is cutting people off the nice list once they reach a certain age. It's done so as to not overwork the elves with so many demands all year as well as keeping it possible to do my deliveries all night. After tonight, your name will be removed from the list and I won’t be coming here next year.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I felt hurt by this revelation. I wanted to say something, to say how unfair this was, but I couldn’t speak. I was just a sobbing mess. Why couldn’t I have met him sooner? Why did I only have one night to be with him?

Santa pulled me into his chest as I cried into his chest, my tears staining his red suit. “I know it hurts Michael. You think it is unfair to be treated this way after so much, but it is just how things work.” He rubbed my back, “that's why I wanted this year to be special to you. Even if you end up hating me, I just want you to know just how proud of you,I am,” his voice started to quiver, “and I hope you will still be the nice kid even if you grow into an adult.”  he sounded like he was trying to fight back the tears. “Every year I see hundreds, if not thousands, of names erased from my list and it breaks my heart each time. Every year, I wondered how much it hurt them to realize I won’t be coming again and not knowing why.”

It was clear now, what he has been going through each year. It must have been eating at him for years, decades, maybe longer than I could even imagine. If he does see them again after they are off the list, it's probably only as adults. Did it hurt to see them after all that time? Did he tell them what he told me?

After a minute, we both calmed down enough to stop crying.“Sorry if this is so sudden.” he said, “I really shouldn’t be unloading this on you right now.”

“It's okay, but I never thought something would be eating away at you like that.”

“Yeah, doesn’t do the jolly image good to be a mess of a bear. Sorry, I shouldn't be bringing the mood down, this is supposed to be a happy occasion.”

“How is this supposed to be happy?”

“Because I get to do something I rarely get the chance to do before. A chance to say goodbye to a kid before they are cut off the list.”

“What do you mean?”

“When a kid is taken off the nice list, rather because they have been to naughty or just grew up, the removal is instantaneous. Most kids aren’t aware that it happens. Another thing to note is that I can’t enter a house unless a kid on the nice list lives there. Often I don't get to say goodbye to the kids one last time. We are just...cut off and that...hurts. When you get off the list there is very little chance of seeing those kids again unless you end up back on it. But to get back on the list once you get off it is hard to do, especially if you are older.”

“That sounds rough.”

“It is. I have gotten used to it but it still breaks my heart. Just...leaving someone’s life like that is hard. This is who I was happy to see you tonight. Just once, I didn't want to just disappear from a child's life again like I had to do for so many. To just speak to them before I leave and make sure that memory lasts a lifetime.”

In the distance, a loud sound rang in the night.

“Guess that's my sign to leave.”

“What was that?”

“My reindeer, probably Dasher.” Santa got up, “I’m sorry our time had to be so short, but I am really glad I got to meet you one last time tonight. You really made me a happy bear.” I see Santa duck into the fireplace.

“Wait!”

He stopped, “What?”

“I just want to say thank you. Thank you for all the gifts and for being a part of my childhood.”

Santa turns around and face me one last time, “you really made me one happy bear, Michael.”