And so the tinny rabbit, cloaked in a hood of midnight, her sword sheathed, but always at the ready, stood in front of the ivory gates and as she drew in the cold morning air, burning her throat and lungs, and as her bare-feet slowly numbed from the dampness of the soil, her heart was cast aflame. It burned with the black fire of desire and her soul screamed in the cacophony of despair, all the while her mind raced with doubts and pledges and slurs. But on the outside, she was calm. Calm as the gentle spring breeze or the mountain peaks. Asha placed her hand on the gate, trying to muster courage and will, and she pushed it open, revealing to her the path to the labyrinth of the four lords.

-By the Four Winds will you SHUT UP ALREADY! –Xurd jumped from his make shift bed on the ground. – Can’t you fucking…not read out loud!

Amar looked up from his book. There was a tinge of shock, but such a reaction as not really unexpected. The dragon licked his finger and turned the page.

The book of the labyrinth; Chapter I: Of wine and blood

-This can’t be real… - Xurd dragged his palm across his face. –It’s like I’m talking to a brick wall…

-I’m sorry, Xurdon – the dragon chuckled, leaving the book to the side. – I just really like to read out loud. 

Xurd huffed and went back to bed, covering himself up and turning to one side. The dragon, now amused at the minotaur’s reaction, slithered around the burning and cracking fire towards his companion. 

-I just believe that… – Amar began to the annoyance of Xurd - …when you read a book aloud, you can more easily and truthfully capture the beauty of the words. Wouldn’t you agree? 

-I might agree… - Xurd growled from underneath his blanket. - …too bad you picked a pretty shit book.

-Oh! I never! – Amar tried overreacting as much as he could. – You, sir, are an ignoramus, a brute and a philistine and I wish a good night!

 Amar went back to his part of the camp, fully willing to leave the minotaur alone, but he knew that he had stirred him up now. He smiled to himself when he heard, behind his back, that Xurd was getting up.

-Look here, fucknugget! It’s not my fault you have a shit taste in literature. 

-Oh…and what would the tough guy consider decent literature? – the dragon almost purred as he placed his head on his hand.

Xurd gritted his teeth. He knew that Amar was just teasing him. Unfortunately, they both knew that Xurd had more pride in his being than hair on his body. The minotaur walked up to the dragon and grabbed the book. “For a wish: a saga of arrogance and repentance”. The words glistened like gold at the low light of the campfire. 

-Pfff… - Xurd spat. – It’s not this for starters. 

-What’s wrong with it? – Amar asked.

-It’s sloppily writer, it’s full of itself, the dialogues are horrible, the main character is a one dimensional thing, there’s too much purple prose, the entire thing is a stupid allegory written only because the author tried to make himself look more intelligent and capable, after more respected writers said that his entire body of work wasn’t worth the paper it had been written on, every symbol and metaphor used is so basic and falls so flat that…FUCK! 

-Wow… - Amar’s eyes widened – I did not know you could even read, Xurd. I am…actually surprised!

-Yeah, whatever… - Xurd threw the book at the dragon and walked back to his bed. – His later work actually gets better. Some would say the rabbit saga was a jumping off point. I say it was a mistake as a whole. 

He lay down in his bed once more and covered himself with the blanket. Amar put the book aside once more and crawled, now genuinely curious what else he could probe out of the minotaur.

-I say, if you had mentioned that you were such a voracious reader, maybe we could have forged some sort of bond a long time ago.

-I don’t wanna forge no bonds with you… - Xurd growled.

-Is it because I’m queer?

Xurd took a deep sigh.

-It…is…because YOU CAN’T TAKE A FUCKING HINT! – Xurd jumped out of his bed.

-Someone seems a bit cranky.

-Fuck you, lizard! 

-Oh, you wish… - Amar chuckled and stretched on the ground. –Besides. It’s barely even eight. You can’t tell me you are tired already.

-Of course I’m tired. I’ve been on a night watch the entire week. 

-You see…that’s what I can not truly understand. – the dragon sat up – We are in the middle of a forest. What are you even watching for? 

Xurd groaned. His head was buzzing, his neck hurt and his entire body felt like it was lagging a few seconds behind. 

-Atilus did say, after all, that there was nothing to be worried about here, right? – Amar continued after not receiving a response. – Do you know what I think, Xurdon? I think you have messed up your circadian cycle so badly, that now you can’t sleep even when you are tired.

-Is that what you think? 

-That is, yes.

-Would you like to know what I think? – Xurd waved his hand invitingly.

-Oh, please, do tell.

-I think that maybe I am a light sleeper and that maybe THERE’S AN ASSHUNTING FAGGOT OF A DRAGON WHO DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO SHUT HIS DAMNED MOUTH WHEN THERE AIN’T A COCK IN IT!

-Wow…rude. 

Amar snickered as he went back to his side and all the while Xurd just watched him from underneath a furrowed brow. 

-Such slurs, Xurdon, so much pent up aggression… -Amar reached up and grabbed a tree branch. –It’s almost as if you are denying something, wouldn’t you say?

-Yeah…my damned beauty slee OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE, AMAR! WHY DON’T YOU EVER WEAR PANTS?

Amar had lifted himself up, revealing his muscular, yet heavy set body and with that his long and flopping manhood.

-They don’t make pants my size, Xurdon.

-Learn to fucking…sew, I don’t know…

The dragon grimaced.

-You know there’s nothing shameful about the male body, right? 

-You won’t catch me running around without no pants, I’ll tell ya that. – Xurd got up and grabbed the canteen.

He halfed the contained all the while not letting his eyes of the dragon, who was slowly stretching with the help of the tree branch. Amar noticed the minotaur’s unblinking gaze. He smiled.

-Something caught your eye, Xurdon?

Xurd put down the canteen. 

-Yeah. Fat bellied faggot.

-Oh, Xurdon. Why do you wound me so?

-I don’t know, Amar. Could it be because I am trying to get some fucking sleep, but there is this cumhungry lizard that just can’t seem to get it through his thick skull, that maybe, just maybe, he could shut the fuck up for just A FUCKING MINUTE! – Xurdon yelled out, but Amar did seem to really care.

By this point it was a game and Amar was having too much fun to just let the minotaur go.

-Hmm...so crude of you…But I can’t seem to lose this feeling that…maybe…it is not my belly that has caught your attention. But rather…what’s right underneath it…

Amar slowly slid a hand across his chest and turned around towards his crotch.

-Maybe, if you were a tad bit nicer, we just might PFOOF!

It took Xurdon three seconds to jump over the campfire and slug the dragon right in his exposed belly. Tired, both from sleepless nights and homosexual redirects, the minotaur had enough and now he was elbow deep in Amar’s exposed stomach. The dragon let out a continues moan that quickly turned into a low, bassy growl as his air supply was steadily exiting his mouth. Which each passing second, the noise became lower and lower until finally it was practically inaudible. Xurd pushed his arm further in and the dragon curled up around, bending downward. Amar’s eyes slowly began to cross as Xurd applied even more pressure. And with one final push upwards, the dragon jumped and let out a belch and a puff of smoke to accompany it. Without any more air to let out, the dragon’s jaw flapped down and saliva slowly started to drip down onto Xurd’s shoulder.

After about ten seconds, the minotaur decided that Amar had enough and violently pulled his arm away. The dragon let go of the branch and collapsed on the ground, curled into a ball and trying to inhale. Xurd slowly walked back to his bed, gently blowing on his knuckles, who had surprisingly gotten a bit hot as the dragon spat and groaned a cursed.

-Can’t say I am interested. – Xurd smirked and cracked his knuckle. – Would you get over it? That was a lovetap.

Amar flopped around on the ground barely managing to inhale. 

-Fuck…you… - the dragon managed to spit out as he convulsed on the ground.

-I’m…I’m sorry, I ddin’t quite hear that. – Xurd put his hand to his ear. – Would you mind repeating yourself?

-Fuck…you…Xurdon… - Amar’s breathing had managed to stabilize, but it was still intense.

-Now…that’s not very proper of you, is it?

Amar slowly managed to get on his legs, all the while still grasping his stomach.

-Honestly, I can not imagine a reason why Atilus would have left me to guard the camp with a foul mouth like you, Amar.

-Hey…wizards! Tricky guys,right?

-I suppose so… - Xurd stretched out and let out a yawn. – Now. Will you behave and let me sleep?

-Sure, sure…

-Good. 

Xurd tucked himself in and turned away from the dragon. He slowly closed his eye and let his mind wonder the void behind his eyelids. Drifting…ever…so…closer…to the Dreaming…

-Of course that was a pretty mean sucker-punch, you know that right? 

-FUCKING HELL, DRAGON! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!

Amar looked at the livid minotaur and turned away.

-Just saying. 

-Just saying? What the FUCK would you be justly saying!?

-I unno…I mean...you kind of hit me while I wasn’t looking. I wasn’t really ready for it.

-Aha, yeah, sure – Xurd murmured. – You mean to tell me, that your fat fucking paunch that’s always dragging behind you wherever you crawl, was caught off guard. Sure. Whatever.

-I’m just saying. If I was ready, things I could have taken that blow.

Xurd clutched his hair with one hand and pulled it slight. It wasn’t a dream.

-I might have even got you back. – Amar added, still trying to provoke the minotaur.

-You? Really?

-Sure. 

-Have you ever been in a fight? – Xurd scoffed.

-I have, yes.

-Really now? – the minotaur chuckled at the prospect.

-Would I lie to you?

-Have you ever won a fight? 

-Tons. 

Xurd raised his eyebrow in disbelief. He took a long sigh and turned to the dragon.

-Alright. Since, apparently you don’t respect the time honored idea that there is no such thing as a dirty fight, lets have a wager.

-A wager you say? – Amar purred in delight. –But, Xurdon, my companion. You’ve been saying for the last twenty minutes how tired you are. Do you believe yourself to be in a fit condition for such a thing?

-Pff…fuck it! – the minotaur shrugged. – I’m wide awake now. Here’s the deal. If I beat you in straight up, fair, one-on-one duel, you’ll shut up. For a week. No talking, no yapping, no nothing.

-Hmm…- Amar scratched his chin in mock thought. – And what if I win?

 -Don’t really see that happening. But, fuck it all. If you beat me, my ass is yours for the night. 

Those words sent a chill down Amar’s spine.

-Be honest, you’ve been drooling over me for the last week and a half, haven’t you?

Amar didn’t answer and Xurd simply chuckled.

-Fag. Here are the rules. No biting, no clawing, no horning. You win if you pin the opponent for five seconds. 

-A pinning match? – Amar gasped in disbelief. – You do realize that I am a few els taller than you, right? And much more than a few stones heavier…

-So?

-So? – Amar almost choked. – You are getting into a fight with an opponent much bigger than you with an obvious winning advantage! It’s a bit foolhardy to offer suchKROHK SON of a BITCH! – Amar got cut off as Xurd slugged him in the nose.

-Lesson one, dandelion. No one says when the fight starts. – Xurd jumped from one foot to the other, fists raised.

-Dandelion? Never been called that before… - the dragon shifted right and left ready to attack. 

-First time for everything, isn’t there?

Amar slowly approached Xurd from one side and in an instant leaped forward swiping at him with the back of his hands. The minotaur easily dodged. He ducked and took a step forward while the dragon was still on his hind legs.

 With the weight of his entire body, he sent his fist flying right around where he figured Amar’s solar plexus might be. There was a vicious thud and Xurd stepped back after the jab, a slight stream of fire erupting from the dragon’s mouth. Amar curled up again, falling to the ground and wincing in pain, groaning and trying to catch his breath, as Xurd hastily slapped the fire on his own shoulder. He quickly turned back to the dragon, ready for an attack, but Amar was still on the ground, clutching his gut, trying and failing to get on his feet.

-What were you saying, Amar? -Xurd snickered as he figured the fight to be over, casually walking to the canteen for a drink. – Something about you being in a fight?

The dragon didn’t answer. He couldn’t answer. Although the jab was quick, it was precise. With each slight breath he managed to take, he let out a violent cough, losing more air in the process. He tried breathing through the nose to help himself regulate his intake, but the air wasn’t enough and he soon found himself gasping.

-Oh, that wheezing…music to my ears. - Xurd closed his eyes and gently waved his finger, as if conducting an orchestra. – The highs, the lows, and here it comes once again…THE CRESCENDO! 

And right on cue, Amar took a massive inhale, failing to sustain it for long and went on a coughing spree. He managed to stay in one place for long enough, but his feet could barely hold him and his tail started involuntarily swinging back and forth.

-I bet you didn’t know that I knew what a crescendo was. – Xurd threw the canteen on the ground. 

-F..fFuck…

-Yes, yes, fuck me, we get it, you’re a massive faggot without any class what so ever. It’s not that hard to figure out. – Xurd scrapped his tooth with his nail. – And stop flapping your tail around like that, I told ya I ain’t interested.

Amar, slowly tried to push himself off the ground, by his legs couldn’t hold him yet. He fell on the ground with a loud thup, once again getting into the same situation. 

-Tsk…the fat load on ya really got your number, didn’t it? – Xurd walked around, keeping a light distance between himself and the dragon. –You haven’t really been in a fight, have you?

Amar didn’t answer, being too preoccupied trying to hold his breath.

-Figured as much. You know…I’ve seen a few dragons like you in my day. Strong. Majestic. Not carrying around a barrel under their chest. – Xurd eyed Amar, who was slowly relaxing. –You ain’t no dragon. Good thing you don’t hang around with ‘em. You’d probably been made into someone’s bitch.

-Shut…up… -Amar barely managed to whisper. 

-Mmm…yeah, you’re right. Can’t imagine any dragon wanting a pathetic pile of fat like, really. Lucky for you, you only hang around civilized folk. Well…I’m guessing it’s more of a courtesy than anything else.

-Shut up…

-But that gets me wondering a bit… - Xurd continued, ignoring Amar’s comments. – You only hang around normal, biped folk, so I doubt you’ve ever done the nasty with a lizard. But then again…what kind of self-respecting person would ever fuck a dragon?

Amar gripped his gut, burying his claws in his flesh, the pain now almost completely subsided. 

-I mean, sure you can talk and you can imitate thinking, but…to lets be real here…to most people you are basically a glorified animal. 

Amar didn’t answer. Xurd raised an eyebrow and stepped closer to the dragon, kneeling beside him.

-Tell me something, dandelion. You ever fucked? Or been fucked? – Xurd started to chuckle when the dragon didn’t answer. –Hehe…oh, boy…this is rich. Sounds like something from a fairytale, doesn’t it? A dragon living amongst normal people – unwanted by his brethren and unloved by his adopters. To top it all of: HE’S FUCKING QUEER AND CAN’T GET HIS ROCKS OFF! 

As Xurd was laughing, Amar spun around, swiping the minotaur’s legs with his tail. Xurd landed on the ground and as he tried to get up, the dragon jumped on top of him, pinning him down. Under the weight of his opponent, the minotaur struggled to get free to no avail. Amar slowly counted down from five to one and when he finished he simply let the minotaur go, who crawled backwards, hitting a tree. 

-Oh, Xurdon, how your pride was you fall… - Amar purred gently as he ran his fingers across his neck. –So sure of your defeat over me…

-Fuck you, dragon! – Xurd yelled out. –You spat fire everywhere! The match was over! 

Amar’s eyes shifted from the minotaur to the sky and back, as if thinking for just a moment. 

 -No claws. – Amar began, raising a finger. – No teeth. No horns. Pin the opponent for five seconds. That was the deal, wasn’t it?

-Don’t be so full of yourself, you were well aware fire count too.

-Xurdon, I thought you said this was a fair one-on-one duel. Don’t tell me you’re backing up now. Where is your sense of honor?

-Lesson number three, kid… - Xurd slowly got up, still a bit dizzy and roughed up. –Honor ain’t worth a lick of salt.

-Is that so? – Amar slowly grinned, revealing a set of long, sharp white teeth. 

He slowly stepped towards the minotaur, his body bending and twisting. Xurd was getting unnerved and took a step back, hitting his back to the tree. 

-You sure talk a big game, Xurdon. – Amar spoke with a low and playful voice. –But when push comes to shove, your knees turn to jelly, don’t they?

-Hey, fuck you, dragon! I…

-Fuck me? Fuck me? I’m pretty sure the deal was the other way around.

Amar snickered, now standing a few steps away from the minotaur. The hair on Xurd’s neck stood up and he put up his guard.

-Just you fucking dare try anything and I’ll…

-You’ll what? Fall on your ass again?

-If you take one more step…-Xurd was cut off as Amar’s tail had wrapped itself around the minotaur’s leg and pulled him to the ground.

Amar got closer, pinning Xurd with one leg to his chest.

-Do you plan to struggle the whole way through like that – Amar spoke condescendingly while Xurd was trying to break free. – Honesty, Xurdon, you should learn to be a more of a man and to keep your word.

-Pff! I’m more of a man than you’ll ever be, dandelion! – Xurd spat in response.

-Oh, little, silly Xurdon…you won’t be much of a man after tonight…

Xurdon’s eyes grew wide. Amar pushed him down even harder, making escape a complete impossibility. The dragon lowered his head down with a malicious grin.

-Before we go any further… - Amar whispered in the minotaur’s ear, his breath heavy and moist. -…can you comprehend how gullible you are?…

Amar raised his head took his foot off the minotaur’s chest. 

-Wh-what? – Xurd bleeped in confusion.

-I’m not gonna rape you, Xurdon. What kind of degenerate do you take me for? Honestly…

-Umm…yeah…-Xurdon let go of his knife, strapped to his side. –You were pretty convincing though…

-I am thespian at heart! – Amar flailed to one side dramatically. –It’s how I get by through the day. And through your insults, mind you…

Xurdon solemnly scratched the back of his neck. 

-You know I wasn’t gonna do anything to you even if I had won, right?

-I…huh…honor and all that malarkey? – Xurd forced a laugh.

-What can I say? I am a bit old fashioned.

Xurdon slammed his head against the tree, taking a deep breath. The dragon kneeled down slight, not to be such an imposing visage. Xurd noticed his hand shaking. Only one. The one that had grabbed the knife handle, while Amar was getting closer. The dragon did not know how close he was to getting his neck slashed open. But it was a good thing that it didn’t have to come to that. For the both of them. What would have Xurd told Atilus? That the dragon tried to rape him, so his slit his throat? It didn’t sound exactly right to Xurd’s ears somehow.

-Do you promise to not be so judgmental from now on? – Amar asked with a pleasant voice.

-Depends. – Xurd turned towards the dragon, his brow heavy with sweat. – Will you shut the fuck up next time I’m trying to sleep?

There was a moment of silence between them. And it slowly cracked with snickers, then chuckles and finally laughter on both sides.

-Might as well.  – Amar stretched giving a long and powerful yawn. – You know what? Sleep sounds pretty good right about now. 

-Yeah? Well…I’m wide awake so I just might read out loud trash fiction.

-Hey, now, there’s noPROOFP!

A monstrous damp smack echoed through the forest. Right from between Xurd’s legs, a giant stone pillar arose, slamming into the dragon’s gut, suspending him a few els into the air. Xurd watched in horror as the dragon’s cheeks puffed up and with one continues torrent, his air left his body and with it came a heavy smog, enveloping the entire campsite. 

Xurd rolled away, trying to get away from the smog and as it cleared out, through bloodshot, watered eyes and a continuous coughing fit, the minotaur saw the damage the pillar had caused. The stone of the pillar was completely engulfed by the dragon’s belly, almost as if reaching his spine. The pillar shifted slightly upward, sending what residual of air was left in the dragon into his puffed out cheeks, unconsciously trying to keep what he could, but with a high pitched whistle, it left his mouth. The whistling lowered and lowered, and with each semi-tone down, the dragon’s eye became a bit more crossed. Finally the whistling was just a light vibration in the air and the dragon’s jaw unclenched, his tongue flapping down, dripping with saliva.

Unsure of what to do, Xurd took a step forward at which point the pillar roses a bit more, enough to flap the dragon. For a second, Amar managed to take a small inkling of air, but it was immediately lost. But then came a new sound. A much more guttural and disgusting sound. 

In an instant, Amar snapped his head backward his cheeks once again puffed out. By now it was obvious to Xurd that the dragon was, or at least partially, out cold. He was reflexively holding in something in his mouth. A strange, yellowish liquid seeped through the dragon’s cracked lips and small droplets dripped down on the grass, causing small evaporations. But when the dragon couldn’t take it anymore, he fell forward, his maw opened and a torrent of the same liquid covered the small area, sending it ablaze. 

Xurd panicked. What should he do? There was nothing in the camp worth saving. But should he just run? The entire forest might go up in flames. And he wasn’t completely sure if Amar could actually survive the fire.

-Relax, Xurd, take a deep breath and go sit down. – Atilus walked by the minotaur, waving his small hands and extinguishing the flames. 

-I..what…when…when did you get back? – Xurd stumbled on his words, confused at the sudden appearance of the fox wizard.

-Just now. – the wizard waved his hand, closing up the dragon’s maw. – The trip was a success, actually. We’ll be going to the sea side next week.

-Umm…-Xurd looked up at Amar, who was still lifelessly hanging on top of the pillar. –What about him?

-Him? – Atilus looked up. – Oh, no. He won’t be coming. He had something to do. Don’t remember what. Didn’t really pay attention. 

-I mean…won’t you let him down?

-Hm?

-This pillar…-Xurd waved his hands. –It’s your doing , right?

-Mmm…I suppose it is…-Atilus snapped his fingers.

The pillar turned into dust and the dragon fell flat on his belly, Xurd cringing at the thud from his hit. He slowly walked to Amar, slightly nudging him in the shoulder.

-He’s alright, right? 

-Oh, yes, most definitely. 

Xurd turned the dragon around. His gut was slowly expanding to its usual size and form. 

-Why…exactly did you do this?

-He committed a grievous sin. – Atilus answered, a grim tone of voice.

-He…he wasn’t gonna do anything to me…at least that’s what he said. – Xurd turned again towards Amar, his tongue hanging on one side dopely and his cock slight erect. - …that’s what he said at least.

-Oh? – Atilus took off his bagpack. – It wasn’t about you. 

-Then what?

-Mmm…you wouldn’t really understand. Wizard code.

-Ah…again with that crap. – Xurd brushed him off and went to grab the canteen. 

-It’s not crap, Xurdon! You should have a little more respect for the…

-Yeah, yeah…- Xurd cut the fox off. – I don’t really care about wizardly.

Atilus crossed his hands in disapproval.

-You would have been a good wizard…

-Don’t know! Don’t care! – Xurd drank what little water was left. –Will you magic him up to his bed? I don’t think I can move him…

-Can’t.

-Of course…-Xurd grabbed his face for a few seconds and exhaled violently. –Why can’t you?

-Majjikx don’t work like that. 

-No. Of course they don’t. 

-You seem a bit cranky, Xurd. – Atilus took off his hat and stuffed it into his backpack. –Maybe you should get some sleep. 

Xurd violently eyed the small wizard. It would be so easily to squash him.  He stormed to the dragon’s bed and forcefully pulling his blanket. A book rolled to the ground.

-“For a wish?” – Atilus picked the book, examining the cover.

Xurd didn’t pay him any attention and covered Amar with the blanket.

-Seems like it’s the first edition… -Atilus opened on a random page. – Yep, yep. 

-There’s a second edition? 

-Mhm…the guy decided to redo the entire book after a couple of years, thinking he might do a better job at it.

-And did he? – Xurd asked, uninterested.

-Mmm…more or less. It was better than the first one. Still. Sometimes I feel like I was too hard on the boy.

Xurd’s ear twitched.

-Come again?

-Oh…I was one of the people who badmouthed him. I thought you knew that. – he threw the book at the minotaur. – Standard wizarding affairs, no need to worry your little head about it. 

Xurd wanted to say something, but he wasn’t sure that there was truly anything worth saying at this point. He put the book underneath Amar’s massive hand and went to his bed. 

-You know, Xurd... – Atilus began as Xurd got in his bed. – I’m not still feeling particularly tired. 

Xurd tried to ignore him. 

-Maybe a little song might get the attention of the ol’ Sandman. – Atilus took out a mandolin out of seemingly nowhere. – What do you say, ol’ chum?

-If I hear a single note come from your mouth or that lira, I will garrote you with it’s strings… - Xurd huffed as he tucked himself in.

-It’s a mando…

-I don’t care what it is. Either put away or you won’t live to see another day.

-Wow…-Atilus put the instrument back. – What’s gotten up your ass?

-DON’T talk to me about things in my ass! Now go to sleep. Count the stars or something, I don’t know…

Xurd closed his eyes. The old wizard rustled a few more minutes and the camp finally got quiet. The gentle wind sang through the trees accompanied by the rhythms of crickets. As Xurd slowly drifted to sleep, he thought about what happened that night. Maybe he really did go too rough on Amar, both during the fight and with the slurs. The excuse of being thoroughly exhausted could only get him so far. Maybe he should help him lose the gut. Or get him something to cover it up. Maybe he should help him find a pair of fitting pants. That would seem like the best thing to start with actually. 

Xurd’s consciousness drifted off deeper and deeper, his body numb and his mind now completely lacking self awareness. In the distance an owl gently hooted. Maybe he should get him that book. The new edition. He might enjoy it better. After all, you wouldn’t eat trash. Why would you read it?

Xurd fell asleep.