Chapter I

“I can resist everything except temptation.”

• Oscar Wilde

“Yeah, sure you’re not being a pushover.  Like I get asking for help, but two days of helping Andrew move into his new place and all he pays you with is a Subway sandwich?”

“I’m sure he’ll properly return the favor, he’s been going through a lot of stress lately!  Plus I was just trying to be a good friend.”

“Good friends don’t make their friends take off work to help them move in for two whole days and then compensate them with a sandwich!  God Theo, grow a backbone!”

“I know. . . I know. . .”

    Theo leaned his elbow underneath the car window and placed his chin in his hand, staring out of the moving vehicle he and his friend Trace were driving in. Theo and she had spent most of the afternoon and evening together, enjoying each other’s company in the free time that the days leading up the holidays had offered them. Their conversation had led back to a recurring issue the 20 something year old seemed to not have gotten over.  

As Trace put it, Theo needed to get over his ”Doormat Syndrome” and stop being overly nice to people who didn’t properly reciprocate it. The two had been best friends since high school, and although Trace admired and loved Theodore for how incredibly considerate he was to the people around him, it had been bothering her for some time how some people could take advantage of her friend. She took a left at an intersection, and left downtown headed towards the subarbian maze where Theo lived.  

    “I just think that you should stand up for yourself a little more. You’re an incredibly capable person with a big heart Theo, but that means you deserve better treatment and better friends!”

    Theo looked down and stared at the little lock nub indicator standing upright beneath the car window. He knew she was right, but he still found it so difficult to say no. After all, he believed that everyone had a bit of good in them, even if their exterior composite did a pitiful job of expressing it.  

    That, and probably the fact that no matter what I do I don’t think I’ll ever be accepted if anybody knew my true self, Theo thought to himself, as he looked back up glanced at Trace.  

With a sly grin, he drew finger guns and pointed at her. Raising his eyebrows to push up the sunglasses on his forehead, he lowered them again to allow the glasses to fall on the bridge of his nose. He followed this smooth gesture with the ever popular line, ”But I’m bad to the bone, baby.”

    Trace snorted and shook her head, ”Sure you are you giant dork, and I’m the Queen of England.”

    The snicker that Theo had on his face turned into an actual smile, and the two rode in pleasant conversational silence as Trace reached over to turn up the holiday music streaming from her car radio. 

    Two minutes later, the two had arrived in front of Theo’s humble yet comfortable looking suburban abode. The plants outside of his condo looked a little less droopy as some soft winter rain began to moisten the leaves of the plants, the evening growing greyer and greyer as the rain began to fall in earnest.  

    “Welp, we arrived just in time for you to get a shower before you get inside, have fun kiddo!”

    The two leaned over and embraced, which conveniently hid Theo’s face as he blushed at Trace’s calling him a “kiddo.”  Retrieving his backpack from the back seat, Theo dramatically sucked in a breath, and opened the door barreling head first towards his house. Hearing Trace’s incredulous laughter at his histrionic behavior as he slammed the door behind him, sprinting towards the front door as the sky gave way it’s heavenly ocean to the earth below.  

    Shuffling clumsily he quickly retrieved his key and pressed it into the lock, turned in, and hurried inside. Water dripped from his hair, shirt, and backpack, and he shook himself water flying everywhere. Amusedly imagining himself like a bear having just exited a nice salmon fishing river and wanting to rid itself of excess moisture, he quickly stripped off his clothing in his front hall, not at all concerned at being caught half naked in his house for he lived alone.  

Except for a rather spacious living room, the college student lived in a townhouse with two floors, a bedroom, a guest room, a rather cramped kitchen and a bathroom. He’d lucked out, because his neighbors too lived alone in their townhouses and his next door neighbor even had a well behaved golden retriever that loved receiving his loving pets as he left for class in the morning. It wasn’t much, but it was a pretty cozy home. 

    Grabbing his wet garments off of the floor, he hurried in just his underwear upstairs and into his bedroom. Shutting the door behind him he turned on the soft white lights he had strung up around his room. Depositing his wet clothes in his bath to dry off, he returned to stand in front of his closet, an extra skip in his step in addition to his shivering. 

    Opening his closet he looked down at a purchase he’d been excited for for quite a while.  A package of adult diapers with surprisingly infantile designs adorning them sat cheerily below his coats and shirts hung up above it. “Care Bear Padding!” was depicted on the side of the diaper case, with various designs of the actual care bears dotting the rest of the bundle and on the landing zone of the diapers themselves. An example of which was depicted underneath the name label.  

    Theo smiled and stooped down into a crouch to open up the package. Ripping the plastic at the side open, a pleasant smell of baby powder met his nostrils. His heart skipped a beat as the smell catapulted his mind back to feelings that had happened further than memory could reach.  

With a bit of effort, he teased a diaper out. He marveled at its thickness, and saw that the Care Bear patterns weren’t just limited to the tape landing zone, and was delighted to see his two favorite Care Bears smiling and waving at him. Tenderheart and Grumpy smiled cheekily at the young man, as if to say,”You’re going to spoil yourself a little tonight, aren’t ya?” 

Reddening a little at the thought of his two favorite characters knowing what his deepest desires were, he opened a drawer from a cabinet next to the package of diapers and retrieved a bottle of baby powder and a rash creme.  

He slipped off his underwear and using his foot lobbed it into his hamper. As the pair of unwanted undergarments sailed into the basket, landing neatly on top, he smiled contentedly to himself. He laid out the diaper on his bed, his smile now widening.

Marveling at how large and thick the padding was, he tentatively sat down upon it, and almost melted into it as his bare skin felt just how soft the material was. Having shaved the previous day just for this occasion, his skin breathed in the softness of the padding. Feeling incredibly excited he concentrated and applying and spread the rash cream in his diaper area. He felt especially infantile when he rubbed it in between the cheeks of his behind, he then applied a generous amount of powder on top of his skin and rubbed that in as well.

Feeling soft and smooth, he wiped his hands on a tissue next to his bed and returned his attention to the most crucial part of the process. He reached forward and brought the front of the padding over his crotch.  

Several Care Bears were smiling and waving up at him underneath the words, “Care Bear in Training” written in bubbly cloud lettering in the center of the tape zone, Theo felt wonderfully childish as he snugly taped up the lower and upper tapes onto the upper center of his diaper. He stood up, and pulled his fluffy padding up at the back and front wiggling a little bit.

He glanced into his upright mirror and grew even redder in the face. He looked like a giant baby, the happy little bears on his underwear only furthering the infantile image. 

Feeling like he was wearing a soft, warm cloud around his waist he walked back over to the closet and retrieved the rest of his taboo stash. A blue legless onesie with rain clouds depicted on the front, a blue pacifier with a heart on its front, and a pair of soft, warm fuzzie socks were the prizes he emerged from his closet with.  

Sliding the socks up, he wriggled his toes joyfully as they warmed his feet, still cold from the drenching he had received earlier. Pulling the elastic flannel onesie over his head he reached down and had a bit of trouble buttoning it up. 

    He smiled as he thought of how kiddish he must look trying and failing at buttoning up his onesie, and eventually managed to snap the buttons up. Standing upright he marveled at how pleasant the diaper now felt being supported by the onesie, like somebody was lightly carrying him around by lifting up his behind.  

    He added the finishing touch by popping in his pacifier, and suckling on it happily, a cheerful, “nuk nuk” sound coming from his lips as he struck poses in front of his mirror, admiring his thick, padded bottom and blushing a little at the obvious bulge of the diaper from between his legs.  

    Theo felt both nervous and at ease at the same time. He had finally received the opportunity to indulge in his fantasy, having just gotten the packages this morning. Ahead of him lay an evening of lounging and baby time, something he’d been wanting to do for a longer time than he realized. 

    He padded downstairs again, loving how carefree his garments made him feel. Into the kitchen he went and poured himself a few glasses of milk, which he then stuck into the microwave to warm up. As he retrieved a baby bottle and nipple he had included in his purchase, something tugged at his mind. The nervousness he had felt upstairs along with his relaxed state was beginning to grow.

    He pushed it to the back of his mind however as the microwave dinged, and he carefully transferred the warmed milk from the glasses into the bottle. He retrieved a small packet of powder labeled,”Choco-muscle Relaxant.”  

Grinning, he poured the contents of the packet into the bottle of milk and stirred with a spoon.  

After popping on the nipple, he checked the temperature of the milk against his wrist, meandering back out into his living room, and plopping down on his couch. He had purchased a sizable bottle, so he expected that he’d be able to have to go to the bathroom in no time.

    Another unpleasant feeling bubbled up into his head, and it was much harder to push back down. He switched on the television, and began to search through Netflix for an appropriate show or movie.  

    Frustration began to build up inside him, as he scrolled and scrolled and could not find anything that met his fancy. He shifted in his padding as he listened to the crinkling. He placed the remote down next to him and leaned his head against his hand, his elbow balanced on his knee.

    God. . . What’s wrong with me? Do I really enjoy this? Why am I having such a hard time growing up? I’m a completely capable adult who does well in school and has healthy interpersonal relationships. Why does this part of me have to exist when nobody will ever be able to accept it?

    Shifting his legs up onto the couch he moved himself into a fetal position, snuggling against the soft arm rest of the cushioned couch. A pang of guilt and shame ran through him as he realized he wished he had a stuffed animal to hug, only to realize once again how incredibly churlish that was. 

    Theo’s mind drifted, and he fell into an unhappy slumber,  his breathing slowing as he curled up further on the couch, the search for a film forgotten.