Unspoken

Tanith felt dizzy opening her eyes, even the indirect light of the sun hurt her eyes and her stomach was having a war of it’s own. She felt like a blanket was pressed over her thoughts, making them slow and bulky. She could feel something was off and that something was not right with her but she did not know what as most her body was floating away from her brain. The concept of a body felt a fluffy concept while her mind tried to process what was wrong with her.

She could feel a presence next to her head. A small hand placed on the base of her horns. A small rumble from someone snoring. She looked to the side to find Allen sleeping next to her, he was wrapped in a blanket from the mission pack they used to carry. He had placed himself sitting up right against two crates, looking at her while sleeping.

She slowly gained more control of her body, moving slowly about, feeling her muscles respond lazily like each of them had to lift a thousand kilos before moving. She could feel the pain of some of her old wounds coming to her and then an pain worse then she ever felt when she tried to move her rear right leg. She roared in pain feeling it shoot trough her body like lighting and partially snapping awake. Her roar awoken Allen from his midday nap next to Tanith. He was instantly ready to strike  and gazed at Tanith with keen eyes. She tried her best to relax for a moment, not to fret about in endless furry.

The pain subsided when she hold her leg still. Her drowsy state returned with the ebbing of the pain. She could feel a hand placed on her snout and rubbing it softly.

“Tanith please take it easy” Allen cooed to her. “They have finished operating only a few hours ago”

Tanith’s mind was still slow to process the thoughts that rushed trough her mind. The sun was shining but it couldn’t be the same day, but it must be the same day when the doctors only stopped operating a few hours ago, or was it? She slowly looked around. Some of the dragons where gone, no doubt on patrol. Caeruleum was sitting in his nest looking rather worried at her. Allen looked worried at her and slowly she felt that something was not right with her.

Her leg, something was wrong with her leg. Allen gotten doctors for her leg. She slowly turned her head to trace along her flank. The many fresh bandages on her flank betrayed the spots of war. Down her hips, still nothing wrong, but then her leg. She used to have rather large and strongly developed calves to jump. She could see how the scales formed the start of one but then in the middle of the calves she saw bandages wrapped tightly along her scales and the absence of muscle trough the bandages. It looked like a crater had been blown into her calve and a blanket had covered it. She realised the source of the pain when she tried to move muscle that was no longer there.

If her mind was not numbed she would have freaked out but now she just stared at her wound. Slowly the realisation dawned on her, how would she walk now? What about flight? If she couldn’t fly, she was useless and in the best of cases she would be put to the breeding grounds, or was that the worst of cases? To lose Allen? Her mind filled with worry and she began to fret, trough her movements send shivers of pain trough her body.

Allen placed a hand on below her jaw and pulled her head softly towards him, his other hand rubbed across the top of her south. While he did not speak, his presence and his touches calmed Tanith again. She placed her head down Infront of her on some fresh straw. She looked at Allen smiling while she drifted into a shallow slumber again.

Allen watched her fall asleep again and sighed a relieved smile, she had finally woken up. He smilled at the azure dragon.

“I think I will be getting something to eat now”

He was ravenously hungry  ever since the surgeons started operating on Tanith he had not eaten. Even trough the conflict he endured with them, he had not eaten. His stomach was empty beyond the point he could feel the kind of hunger one would normally feel. Drowsy himself he roamed trough the hallways trying to get to the officer’s room. He lost the time but when he opened the door he saw the offers, captains and Admiral sitting already eating lunch on the table. Allen looked at them and gave a small nod before walking straight to the nearest coffee stand. He never gotten the hang of coffee and before he wouldn’t really notice but now, it was a welcome bitterness. He poured himself a cup and gotten plain toast to eat to have at least something in his stomach. Deflated he placed himself next to the admiral.

“Is she awake Walker?” Admiral Evans could not help but to gazed slightly worried at Allen. He looked like a zombie that had dragged himself from the grave.

Allen gave a soft nod “She was ma’am, she gotten back to sleep to sleep the anastasis off” He took a deep sip of the black bitter hot liquid. Feeling the caffeine slowly rush trough his system.

The admiral nodded in thoughts before talking again. “How soon you think you will be up and running Captain”

Allen waved slowly with his mug “After a few more of these. She roared when she woken up and I was just about to sleep. It didn’t leave me with much time of rest.” He received another nod from Admiral Evans.

“Walker, go to your room after this, I will guard Tanith for you. Besides I have some plans to discuss with Freya and a formation to form.”

“Ma’am, Thank you Ma’am”

After his plain lunch he headed to his captains quarters. His status had at least some benefits he could privately enjoy. He closed a curtain over his port lite and feel into a solemn sleep. Finally his mind at ease with the thought of Tanith.

Tanith arisen from her slumber when she could see the sun setting from the orange glow that emanated the dragon deck. Her eyes gazed along the dragon deck, trying to find Allen however he was not by her side. Even his scent had disappeared from her surroundings. What she could see was Freya and Admiral Evans sitting rather close to her discussing things over chards and folders. Tanith moved to hear what they where talking about but as soon as she moved Freya perked up.

“Tanith, you are awake!” She called happily, the lavender dragon moved her snout from the folders and gazed at Tanith. Slowly Freya moved forwards to nuzzle at Tanith’s neck, a kind of affection that send a shiver over Tanith’s spine.

“Where is Allen?” Tanith asked softly trying to avoid acknowledging the mix of feelings she in her still dazed state felt.

“He is back in his quarters asleep. Or at least he was last time we checked. “

Tanith gave a soft growl, displeased that he had parted her.

“Tanith!” Freya responded to her growl with a nudge against her neck. “Walker needs his sleep to function. He has stayed awake during your whole operation. When the doctors couldn’t operate and help anymore he took over patching up your leg. He made sure that the doctors wouldn’t amputate your leg.”

Tanith slowly moved to get herself comfortable, her head turned away from Freya to partially block herself off from Freya’s touches and most importantly gaze.

Then she felt a hand on her snout, trough the scent from the hand was not Allen’s scent on the hand. Opening her eyes she saw admiral Evans bowed low towards her. She had a small pained smile.

“Tanith” she paused, feeling not comfortable with the subject on hand. Tanith looked up in the admirals eyes while getting used to the hand of another on her snout. It was not an unpleasant feeling trough she did not quite know if she enjoyed it. At least it was not the jolt she fell when Freya touched her.

“I understand that these few days will be hard but I need you and Allen both to be strong. I understand your emotions but I would like to ask you not to show them in public. Allen needs to count upon you being able to behave like a properly tamed dragon. Yes I understand that doing such is hard and that you disagree with the idea of taming. Now is not the right moment to try and push through.”

Tanith gave a soft huff and pulled her head back, breaking the touch. She curled around herself to lick her leg. She could slightly move her leg without having it hurt, trough that was only thigh not her lower leg.  She took the small victory for what it was and shut the other feelings out. She just wanted Allen to be with her again.

It was after dark when Allen came to visit her. He looked better than this morning, more rested. He wore a the clothing of a proper captain, complete with his copper wings. “Feeling better Thanit?” Allen moved closer to her, trough he could feel something was off with Tanith. A small anger within her building.

“No I don’t, You want to know why?” Allen gave a soft nod but did not interjected her, allowing her to run her rant.

“Don’t you know why?” she gazed at him, meeting his eyes he could see the anger in her eyes. It hurt him a little. “I thought we could feel each other Allen! Dammit, you should know why!”

Allen tried to step forwards to rub across her snout but she withdrawn her head back into the safety of her own scales. Allen could feel a nail being driven down right into heart with the simple movement.

“Alright, you want to know why? Because when I move my leg I almost faint because of the pain. I am a dragon Allen, You know what they did to Maximius when he couldn’t fly! And here I am, in the same boat, and you are about to embark on this important mission as captain. What if you can’t ride on my back? Are we losing each other forever!?”

Allen moved into her and grabbed her by her head, pushing the roof of her head to his chest. “My Tanith. I understand it’s hard, I feel your pain. But I will not let the same happen to Maximius. Even if we are apart we have the tether.”

Tanith gave a growl, while at first she allowed the hug she pulled away. “You still don’t understand you stupid human” She looked at him with a pained look. “It’s not about you! It’s about me losing the person I love.”

Allen felt a strange feeling washing over him, he couldn’t quite place it at first. A kind of light headedness that Tanith felt. Trough he reasoned it was because of the pain and the medication she took.

“Tanith, I love you too.”

“No Allen not like that!” she growled “I love you.” She enforced again. Finally Allen realised what she was trying to tell him. He was struck by the weight her words suddenly bring and slowly he remembered moments where he felt odd with her words. It now making sense.

“Tanith.” He started softly, not quite sure what to say about when a large dragon declares their love.

“Oh please Allen don’t say you don’t know me…We are tethered you kno…”

“Tanith” Allen interrupted her “Can’t you see the obviousness? Most humans around still think dragons are animals. EVEN if most started to accept dragons are equals this moment, this is still frowned up on.”

“So you find the opinion of others more important?”

Allen rubbed his temples, he knew he was not getting his point trough to her. She was hearing without listening.

“TANITH! God dammit dragon, IF I act up on this feeling you are feeling. In best case I will be dishonourably discharged and we lose each other forever.  In the worse case you will be put to death and I will rot in jail.”

He finally noticed she stopped with the raging thoughts in her head, or at least they were no longer pushing to her front.  Most swirling in the background.

“But we can hide it, don’t you feel the same?”

Tanith” He paused and just sat down in front of her. His hands in his hair and groaning in trying think about the situation. “What I am going to do with you now. Tanith how can I even return those feelings? I never even realised this, this what you feel was even possible. Tanith, you are the best thing ever happened to me, I feel how you feel now in my mind. But with my mind and heart I can’t return this love you ask for. To pretend I can return it, would be cruel for both you and me.”

“But Allen” Tanith started again, trying to convince him of something.

“No Tanith, just no. Please don’t try to change my mind in this”

“Why Allen?” When Allen looked up at Tanith, he could see the hurt in her eyes. The pain of rejection that was all just to familiar.

“Because Tanith.” Allen gazed directly into her eyes. “I fear that I cannot reject your advances for long.” He could see the mood lighten in her eyes, a feeling of hope that he had to cut short. “Tanith, if you love me, I ask you not to press this.”

Allen wanted to say more, he wanted to shout the world apart but case in point he just looked at Tanith and felt her pain. Every argument he wanted to say just felt flat. How could he say anything to cheer her up, when the one thing she wanted was impossible for him to give.

“Tanith” He said to stop the awkward silence between them. “Just what ever happens, I will be with you and don’t you think that I forget the promise I made to you.” He stood up and placed a hand on her neck, she moved a bit towards him, pushing against his hand. Finally Allen could smile a little, trough he was still worried about Tanith’s leg. He gazed at the crater in her leg.

“I will hold you to that Allen” She rumbled and closed her eyes again, falling into a slumber again. Allen felt for her, slowly stepping back from Tanith. Watching her sleep peacefully.

Trough his moment of piece was disrupted by Freya talking to him.

“Captain Walker” she started staying formal. “Might I could I ask something?”

Allen turned around to face Freya. She looked worried and kept on gazing at Tanith.

“Sure, what is on your mind”

“How is Tanith doing?”

Allen shook scratched his head slightly, sure she saw the emotions Tanith displayed but did not know the reason for it. “She is a strong dragon, but is going to be tough for her.” he started turning around to look with Freya to the sand coloured dragon.

“Honestly Freya, I don’t know how to help her situation, nothing I can do will make it better. If she can never fly, I must be able to do something”

Freya closed in on Tanith despites her chains that kept her somewhat restrained. She pushed her nose against Tanith’s side and nosed her softly.

“Lets hope she will be able to fly. Jane had an idea. And I don’t want to see her shipped of to the breeding grounds.”

Allen raised a eyebrow at Freya’s remark. He watched how she gently touched Tanith like a lover would do.

“Freya” he started “Anything special I need to know about”

“What you mean Captain Walker?” she withdrew herself quickly from Tanith and curled back into her own little spot.

“Nothing? No special feelings” He could see Freya looking down at the hay and clawing the ground under her.

“Maybe a bit” She started talking in a rather hushed mental voice. Trough most dragons where gone or sleeping she feared, something. “Please promise me not to tell it to Tanith”

Allen took a deep breath “Tanith and I are linked, I can’t promise you she will not find it out trough the mental link but I will not tell her.”

It caused Freya to wonder for a while, looking at Tanith then at Allen. Her eyes where slightly worried and slightly embraced and withholding something. There was this odd look he could not decipher what it was trough he saw the same look in Tanith a couple of times when she looked at him with that odd feeling that…oh

“Freya, are you in love?” he asked softly as not to embrace her with other dragons. He hoped he was wrong, he could sense two problems arise and he was not sure what he feared more to happen.

Freya just nodded at him. “Yes I am” she withdrawn herself slightly. “And I am in love with Tanith.”

Allen could feel the ground becoming slightly unsteady. He did not have the guts to break two hearts today. Trough he saw a possibility, perhaps he could make Tanith fall in love with her, she would be happy with someone more acceptable. Trough he did not know if it was possible for two dragonesses to share any relation. At least not within war, trough after it?

“Captain walker?” Freya asked unsure after Allen did not say a thing after a long long time. She was afraid to what the future might bring, trough this time her eyes also spoke of fear. Allen was not able to tell what fear but he could guess it was something to do with anger?

“I don’t know what to say Freya, I know little of draconic relationships. Have you talked with captain Evans about this?”

Freya shook her head and moved to come closer to Allen. “She would not accept me.” Freya’s face was close to Allen’s and he could feel the hot breath washing over his face. The scent of fresh blood lingered on her breath like a warming to a prey. Even though Freya did not realise, this position was rather intimidating.

“Why wouldn’t she? She cares for you?”

“Would you accept two women loving each other!? For you humans getting a child before your so called marriage is forbidden! If I where human Allen, what I felt for another women would be classed as immoral, illegal and sick.”

“But you are a dragon Freya” Trough Allen regrated the words as soon as he said them. Feeling his own wrong unfold before him.

“But I am a dragon!? So you do hold dragons to a different level as humans? I am a dragon so I am a slave to my desires so I can be excused? And until here I thought you where different! To answer your question, no Jane would not accept my feelings. Even trough she is loving and caring, she wouldn’t know what to do with them. I have heart her speak about two male pilots who where discovered together in bed. I know what she said and I know she will not accept this!”

Allen felt slightly sick with the rage and the tone of Freya, he could see from the anger that he hurt her by his words. Now he was just struck without words to say to her.. He could feel himself digging a deeper hole with each passing second.,

“My apologies Freya I spoke before I could think, I did not mean to insult you.”

“lose tongues speaks truths Allen.” Freya growled, her stance tensed up and he felt like she was about to pounce on him.

“It’s not what it looks like Freya. I have more going on then jus this. Tanith needs help, I still need help and every passing second…” he did not had the time to finish his mind.

“Excuses, just say it. Say you will not approve of my love of Tanith because you are as stubborn and blind as every single human. Or are you now going to say you approve of it out of shame”

“No I cannot Freya, I can not judge for Tanith’s love! It’s more complica…” he was interrupted again by Freya’s building rage.

“Just say it dammit, at least then I know you are not a bloody hypocrite and are just stupid”

“I can’t dammit!” Allen swore threw his hands up in defeat. “you want a truth for a truth. Tanith told me she wants me.” The last words where a hissed voice. Sushed to make sure only Freya could hear and what followed was an unpleasant silence with the human and the dragon looking at each other. Both in discomfort. Both just starting with puzzling gazes what to do about it. Allen however was the first to break the silence between them

“I keep your secrete Freya, if you keep mine. Tanith, she loves me, the way a wife would love her husband.” He could both see the pain and confusion in her eyes.

“but that is?”

“Immoral? Wrong? Illegal? Does that sound familiar. I had to break her heart Freya to make sure that she would not drag us both into deep trouble. Yes what you feel might not be right to human standards. But I will be put to death or worse if I act on her feelings.”

Freya gazed at Allen like he was a new enigma that was getting more and more complex. She gazed at Tanith again with hurt but understanding forming in her eyes. Her face moved to a more relaxed state, at least when she looked back at Allen that was.

“How do you feel about that?”

Allen wanted to say a good many words but just opened and closed his mouth without sound. His emotions where a mix and he did no longer know what parts where from him and what was from Tanith. “I don’t know” he finally stated.

“You really don’t know Allen?”

“No, yes, no. I care for her, sure. But love her? I don’t know.”

“is she where human”

“yes.” Allen simply said before his knees gave up under the tension he felt. He collapsed on the soft hay that made up Tanith’s spot. He did not faint but kept laying down, staring at the metal sealing above him. He could see Freya’s head moving in to inspect him,

“Are you alright?” she worried.

“No I am not alright. And yes I could see myself falling for Tanith if she where human. Hell I would fall for her if she where not and kept pressing the issue” He collected himself, standing up and whipping the dust from his cloths. “I am a fucking disgrace of a human”

He walked away without ceremony, without saying goodbye to Freya or giving Tanith a last rub on her snout.