I was so tired after having such a crazy day... We talked to Nikki about her feelings and why she felt that way... And even though she opened up about it just a little bit, not much new was revealed... But nevertheless, it's a good thing we talked to her about it... The only thing we could do was to keep in touch and check up on her... Help her in any way we could by taking her out or simply visit her, just to set her mind on something else... It wasn't easy to stay non-judgemental... I suppose time will tell if Nikki would share her whole story with me or not... But something told me that it wasn't going to be pretty if she ever did...

By the time Terry and I got out of the apartment complex, it was already passed midnight... I felt a shiver down my spine when I stepped outside as a cold breeze went by... Zipping up my jacket, I looked at Terry as we stood there for a moment... All he did was staring at the starry night sky... Every once in a while, we were looking at each other... And for the first time in ages, Terry looked at me and smiled weakly...

'I'll best be off then...'

'How are you gonna get home...?'

'I'll take the bus to the train station to get me home...'

'At this time of night...?'

'Hm-mm... Good night...'

'Yeah, uhm... Take care, Terry...'

'You too...'

And with that, Terry turned around and made his way to the bus station up ahead... I watched how he sat down on a bench at the bus station, looking the other way... My car was parked across the street on the parking lot and I had to go the opposite direction... So I made my way to my car and unlocked the door, while I stood there for a moment, watching him sitting alone on a bench at the bus-station... It might take him an hour and a half to get home with public transportation during the day... Not to mention during the night, when there are fewer buses and trains... That's why I wanted to pick up my car earlier that night... I don't think Meagan would've mind to have given me a ride home but I figured she didn't want to go out the door again once she got home... It would've been better if Terry got here in his own car so that he could go home but I suppose we were too busy on focusing on something else instead... I sighed quietly and looked the other way in the direction I was supposed to go... It's only ten minutes from here... I could go home and go to bed, which was the only thing I wanted... But I couldn't really leave Terry behind like that, could I...? I mean, I could but... The thing is, I already left him behind once... I sighed quietly again and got in my car... Once I reached the exit of the parking lot, I hesitated to make to make a left turn so that I could go home... But seeing him sitting there caused me to make a right instead... I stopped in front of the bus-station, leaned over to open the door of the passenger seat as Terry looked up surprised...

'This is ridiculous. Come on, I'll take you home.'

'Uhm... No, no that's really not nessescary...'

'Don't be silly, get in.'

Terry hesitated for a moment but got in the car nevertheless... Once he buckled up, we were on our way... But I could tell Terry wasn't feeling comfortable sitting next to me, especially now that we were alone... And to tell you the truth, I wasn't too sure if I felt that comfortable myself with him sitting next to me... Still, he got in for a reason and me taking him home wasn't the only reason... I figured that once we started driving, the two of us would start to have a conversation but I suppose neither of us felt like breaking the ice... I looked at him from the corner of my eyes every once in a while but all he did was staring outside the window... The entire ride lasted for about half an hour but we didn't say anything to each other... Just one big, awkward silence... And once I finally got to his house, I parked my car on the parking lot but kept the engine running... I expected him to get out as quickly as possible but to my surprise, he stayed seated...

'Well, here we are...'

'Thanks for taking me home...'

'No problem... Are you gonna be okay...?'

'Yeah, I'll be fine...'

Terry bit his lip the moment I looked at him and he averted his eyes from me... He kept nodding and hesitated to get out of the car... And that's when I knew he wasn't going to be okay... I wasn't even sure if I was going to be okay... It stayed silent for a long time between us until I broke the ice...

'Quite a night, isn't it...?'

'Yeah... Yeah, it sure is...'

'She'll be okay, Terry... Nikki just needs time...'

'I know but... What about you...?'

'What about me...?'

'Have you really thought about it as well...?'

'About what...?'

'Suicide...?'

'Oh, uhm... Heh.... I have, yes... Many years ago...'

'I know you've been through a lot but...'

'Don't worry about me, Terry... I'll manage... I always have...'

'Heh...'

'Why'd you ask...?'

'I talked to Meagan while we were on our way together to Nikki's place... And now it hardly feels like I've ever known you... I just don't know who you are anymore...'

'That's because I didn't know who I was at the time... You never got an answer simply because I didn't have any for you...'

'But I did everything for you and it was never enough...'

'Heh...'

'What went wrong between us, Ceylan...?'

I sighed quietly and closed my eyes for a moment... And even though I wanted to work things out between us, it felt like it wasn't the right time or place for it... I just wanted to go home and go to sleep... And I know I always procrastinate... But Terry showed that he was willing... And if I brushed him off that night, would I still be willing to continue where we left off when I thought the time was right...? More importantly, would he still be willing to do so...? At least we weren't fighting... And I suppose that meant a lot, even if I did feel a little reluctant...So I turned the engine off and sighed quietly...

'Look, uhm... So many things happened and I panicked when I started to have feelings for Nikki... I was scared... Afraid that you might've thought differently about me if you'd find out... That's why I kept it to myself... And I know shouldn't have...'

'Heh...'

'The thing is... I liked you... I really did... My feelings for you were real... But because of everything, I changed you into someone you're not... I tried to change you into someone I could fall in love with... And I suppose that's why it went wrong for us...'

'Was Nikki the only reason why you ever broke up with me...?'

'Yes... I felt like I had to make a choice I never wanted to make in the first place...'

'But you still did nonetheless...'

'I had to, Terry...'

'Hm...'

'You've always been so good to me... And I can't tell you how sorry I am...'

'Yeah, well... Can't undo the things said and done, right...?'

'No...'

'I mean, I know I too have said things that really hurt you... I was angry at you and yet I still missed having you around, despite everything that happened between us...'

'Heh...'

'And now that I see you again, I have no idea how I should feel... Part of me wants to stay angry at you but... It just doesn't get me anywhere... And yet whatever might happen in the future, things will never be the same between us ever again if we keep seeing each other... And I'm not sure if it's such a good idea...'

'You mean as friends...?'

'Hehe, “friends"... Staying friends with your ex is like when your beloved goldfish is dead... You don't want to flush it down the toilette but don't plan on keeping it either...'

'I'd understand if you'd prefer not to see me anymore...'

'What about you...?'

'Hm...?'

'How do you feel about it...?'

'Me...? Uhm... We got to a point where you and I sit in my car, having a normal conversation... That's a start right...?'

'True...'

'I just miss the guy you used to be, you know... The “real you"...'

'Heh...'

'But instead, I changed you into someone you're not when things got complicated... And I fell in love with that person instead of you...'

'Maybe... But I never got to know you in the first place... And even if I did, I have no idea how we could stay “friends"... I honestly think it would be a bad idea...'

I sighed quietly and stared outside the window for a while... I didn't like what he said but it was the truth... He fell in love with a girl who didn't even know who she was, just to keep up appearances... I always pretended to be someone else so he never got to know who I really was... Because even a half truth is a whole lie... And it all led to that one moment where things went horribly wrong between us... I scraped my throat and faced him...

'Can I ask you something, Terry...?'

'Yeah...?'

'If you had the chance to meet someone again for the very first time, would you do anything differently...?'

'Uhm... Maybe... Why's that...?'

'Because I would do everything different if I ever got the chance...'

'Like what, for example...?'

'I'd show you the real me...'

'The “real" you...'

'Hm-mm...'

'And who is the “real" you then...?'

It took a moment for me to let that one sink in... What was I going to tell him...? What would drive him to even consider to listen to me...? No matter what his reason might've been, I was glad that he did...

'Ceylan Saida Tahani Al-Naijir Ibn La'Akhlaq...'

'That's your real name...?'

'Yes... Jaisyaram is my adoption name...'

'Hm...'

'People take certain things for granted, like having friends and family... Being in love... It all just seems so straight forward, right...? After all, it's only normal for people...'

'It's what we're all after...'

'True... And I honestly thought that I would never forsake those things, seeing as I've lost it all during the war... Finding it all again felt like it gave me a purpose in life once more... I had something to live for again... But somewhere along the line, I eventually started to take it for granted... And in the end, I forgot how important it was to me... '

'I see...'

'I managed to sort most of my life out... I know who I am and what I want to accomplish... No longer willing to let other people get in my way... Not wasting the second chance that was given me...'

'That's good, right...?'

'It is, yes... But I feel that this can also be a second chance for us... So if you'd ask me how I'd feel about you and me staying friends, I would say that it would be your choice... We can either go our separate ways and never see each other again... Or...'

'… Or?'

'We'll get to know each other again...'

'There's no way you and I will ever get back together... You know that, right...?'

'No... No, I suppose that's true and I can't ask that from you... But did you ever think that you and I would sit in my car and talk to each other to work things out...?'

'I never thought of the possibility, no...'

'And yet here we are...'

'Heh...'

'So it proves that we can actually be together in the same room without murdering each other...'

'Hehehe...'

'And I suppose you and I can stay friends... It might take a long time but... I'm willing to try...'

'Why...? I mean, I can think of a million reasons why people shouldn't stay friends with their ex...'

'Because I'm tired of all the fights we've had, Terry... And I just wish you and I could start all over again as friends... It's been a year since we've last seen each other... And I know you miss Blain, just as much as he misses having you around...'

'Blain and I aren't exactly seeing eye to eye anymore...'

'I know...'

'… Is it true?'

'What's true...?'

'About you and him?'

“Oh, for fucks sake..." I suppose he found out one way or another... Still, I wasn't intending on making an ass of myself by thinking he already knew the whole story... It didn't make it easier, to be honest, but still... Did he know that Blain and I were “mates"...? Only one way to find out... And I didn't like it...

'Is that what it's all about...? The reason why you don't see him anymore...?'

'Just tell me...'

'Right... Uhm...'

'I just wanna know, Ceylan... Is there anything going on between the two of you...?'

'Before I tell you, I'd like you to know that you can't blame me for being honest... I never judged you for the things you did so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't judge me as well... Like I said, I just want to be totally honest with you...'

'Okay... Honest is good...'

'Alright, well... Blain and I have always been friends for as long as I can remember... And yes, something did happen between us long before I even met you...'

'Right...'

'But that never stopped us from seeing other people... Things changed once he came back from Sercia but, uhm... Heh...'

'You're still “seeing" him...'

'Yes...'

'And by “seeing him" means that you're fucking him...?'

'My decision is not for you to judge...'

'Are you...?'

'… Yes.'

'Well, he wasn't kidding when he said that the two of you have always been “close"... I'm actually not all that surprised...'

'Yes, because unlike you, Blain isn't going after emotionally unstable females to score some pussy only to abandon her when she needs you the most...'

'Emotionally unstable... Funny that you, of all people, say that...'

'You really wanna go there?'

'... Do you?'

'I'm sorry...'

'Hm...'

'Look, I just wanna start all over again... And that's why I want to work things out...'

'My ex-girlfriend is fucking my best friend, what the hell would you expect from me? You want me to turn a blind eye and pretend it doesn't do anything to me?'

'And my ex-boyfriend was fucking my ex-girlfriend... Do you know how that makes me feel?'

'Exactly... So how can you expect us to stay friends...?'

'Heh...'

'I can't stay friends with you because too much has happened between us... And I honestly have no clue why you'd like to stay friends with me but you and I both know that we can't, Ceylan...'

'I see...'

'I'm sorry, but that's how I really feel about it... Seeing you would keep me in the past, even if we stayed friends... And I feel that everything we ever had is just gone...'

'Heh...'

'Besides, I don't think Michelle would appreciate me spending time with my ex-girlfriend...'

'No... No I don't suppose she does...'

'Why, Ceylan? I mean, what else did you expect?'

'I just thought that, you know... I-It's not that I'm expecting us to get back together if we stayed friends but, uhm... Heh... Truth is, I just miss having you around... Blain misses you and...'

'I'd get to spend time with the two of you and can't look at either one of you without thinking that you sleep with each other...'

'Heh...'

'I used to share everything with you and you've hurt me more than anyone ever did... What difference would it make if we'd stay friends...? The trust is gone... I don't feel the need to see you... And even if we did see each other occasionally, we'd be acquaintances at most... And I honestly think you feel the same way about me... '

'Maybe... But I don't want to feel that way about you...'

'No, but I would still feel like that...'

'I see...'

'You and I both know it's for the best... So no, I'd rather not want to try and stay friends with you...'

I nodded quietly and averted my eyes from his when he told me that... Maybe it really was a stupid idea to stay friends with him... I mean, what would I expect...? It's just that I missed having him around... But I understand... I can imagine if your ex-girlfriend is fucking your best friend, you wouldn't be comfortable to be around them... But if I managed to accept that, why can't he...? We all made our choices before... But like most things, it can't be undone... And I got reminded once more that not everyone thinks like I do...

'You're a great girl, Ceylan... But you don't know what you want, you don't know what you're after and you're certainly not ready to commit yourself to a relationship...'

'I know... And that's why I'm not looking for it anymore...'

'It'll find you when you least expect it... But you'll only see it when you're ready for it...'

'Perhaps... Is that how you did it...? How you managed to move on...?'

'Yes...'

'Heh... I'm glad she makes you happy... Take good care of her, will you...?'

'I will...'

I have no idea how to describe how I felt that night... I felt sad, almost heartbroken... Neither of us wanted things to turn out like this and yet it still happened... And there I was with him that night... Saying goodbye again but this time for good... The tears were rolling down my face the moment I realized that... I always had everything made up in my mind what to tell him if that moment ever arrived... But that night, I was so overwhelmed that I had no idea what to say anymore... I felt a chunk got stuck in my throat... Terry saw I had a hard time saying goodbye to him... He averted his eyes from me and when he faced me again, I quickly wiped my eyes and nodded quietly again... And after a moment or two, I managed to calm down again and pulled myself together... And when I faced him with tears in my eyes, I smiled weakly at him...

'I hope that some day, you'll find what you're looking for, Ceylan... I really hope you do...'

No hugs, no kisses, not even a handshake... What exactly did I expect...? Terry looked at me with a weak smile on his face one last time before he got out of the car... He closed the door of the passenger seat and walked away... I watched how he crossed the street without looking back... And maybe that was something that hurt me the most... To watch him leave was still painful, even a year after our break-up... And maybe it was because I knew it would be for good... I started my car and as the quiet humming of the idle engine was heard, I looked in the direction where Terry left... I saw him there, standing in front of his house, looking for the key to unlock the door... And once he got in, the door was closed behind him... And it stayed close... I was cherishing false hope that somehow, he changed his mind and came back running to me... But not this time... I waited half an hour there on the parking lot that night, in the hope he might return and talk... The tears were rolling down my cheeks as the minutes passed by until every bit of hope was shredded to pieces... But I suppose that opportunity has long passed ever since I fucked it up with him... And even though we both were to blame for the things that happened, I couldn't help to feel like I was the only one to blame that night... So with tears in my eyes, I made the long way back home...

I can't blame Terry for the way he felt and the way he acted... Part of him felt ashamed that it ever took place between him and Nikki... Whether he liked it or not, he had a part in all this and was just as much to blame as I was... And even though we talked, it felt to me like there was so much more to discuss... But I suppose there comes a time where you stop talking when you realize that it doesn't get you anywhere... It's easily said afterwards... I had no idea what I was thinking when I wanted to stay friends with him... It wouldn't have worked out in the end anyway... But feeling so heartbroken and empty on the inside made me realize that I never really got over him... I thought that by staying friends with him might make things easier... It would only make things more complicated than they already were if we did... So perhaps he was right when he said that we could never be friends again... Maybe it really was for the better... And if we'd happen to run into each other, we'd be nothing more than acquaintances who see each other occasionally and treat each other so... But how big was the chance that we would ever see each other again...? And if we did, wouldn't we try our best to avoid each other...? We went our separate ways again... But this time for good... Or so I thought...