The shower was running hot, just about as hot as Lars could possibly stand. He was showering so he could cry in peace, and have the tears easily wash out of his fur. He felt like shit, like he didn't deserve anything he had. It was so bad that in the last week, even if the members of Ishmael the Burned had noticed his playing was off and asked if he was okay. He ignored them completely and left, confusing them even more. The burning water caused a searing he felt certain was deserved, and the tears came easily. It had been quite some time since Lars last cried, the last real one caused by emotions like this…was probably when he was 14, something about friends, he couldn't even remember. Now it was at himself, at what a fucking useless excuse of a fur he was.

I had liked Riley…A lot. He thought miserably to himself. It was true, gay or straight or whatever…he accepted that idea, he'd liked Riley, and what was more important Riley had liked him. Then he got exactly what his young male brain was craving, and he rejected it. He knew the fox wasn't one to just trust anyone, he even bet that very few furs from the university would get to see his house, let alone go inside it. Riley had invited him in, clued him in to his plans, which must have required a great deal of trust…and then he kissed him. Which Lars had loved, he had thought about it compulsively every single night since then. When he'd gone out with the female, back in high school, everything felt somehow…wrong. Almost forced, uncomfortable and awkward. But when that cute black male fox, had climbed onto his lap kissing him…it had felt so…right.

With that thought Lars felt himself racked with another heavy set of sobs, biting his paw to resist crying out. He turned the shower up a little hotter, the scalding water actually beginning to numb him. With a loud exhalation he shut the water off, standing in the hot steam for a moment. Just leaning against the tiles, he felt he had no more tears to cry. He was exhausted, the emotional gauntlet his brain put him through each day was brutal. Before he met Riley, he'd felt empty. There had been a longing inside him for something, anything. Each week had felt the same, days blending into one another seamlessly. Now, after meeting and succinctly rejecting him, he didn't feel empty…he felt hatred. He despised what he'd done to the fox, and was sure Riley must hate him now, maybe as much as he hated himself.  The shy, reclusive fur had opened his heart, and Lars didn't even have the decency to stay and talk. He just left, like the typical coward he was.

Getting out of the shower, he began to towel his fur off, slowly trying to draw all the water out of it. There were about six or seven other shower stalls in the shared bathroom, but none were being used right now. The reason behind this being it was one in the morning. The tiger had known that when he stripped down and climbed under that water, shielded from everything, even if temporarily, he wouldn't be able to hold it in. He knew he'd break down, reliving the events yet again, hating himself for what he did. The main part he didn't understand was the fact that he had no problem with gay furs, and never had. He couldn't understand why it seemed so impossible that he himself was gay. It just didn't seem to fit into his world properly, even though he liked Riley a lot, and he hadn't liked dating females. He wanted the young fox desperately…but he felt…ashamed. Like he could never survive the idea that people might think he was gay.

Then it hit him. The tiger finally realised, his face burning with embarrassment.

He thought less of gay furs. It wasn't a hate by any stretch, he just looked down a little. He realised this fact with growing horror. In the past, he'd been proud of the fact that he treated gay furs equally, like he'd been doing them a favour. In order for some real equality, those kinds of thoughts shouldn't even cross his mind.

Lars sunk to his knees, in the middle of the shared bathroom, naked and now crying again. The cold tiles hurt his knees, but he ignored the pain. He felt terrible. He let his tears take him again, curling up into the foetal position, his body shaking now. He was so…ashamed of who he was.

Not so long ago, he'd had a certain view of himself. He was a forward thinking, bright young tiger with a future. He didn't judge people and didn't make snap decisions about them based on whatever kind of group they belonged to.

It was now the young male realised some of the worst pain comes from discovering you aren't who you thought you were. He bawled on the floor like a kit, not caring how stupid it must look. As if he didn't have enough reason to despise himself, now this revelation. He lay there for a good five minutes, the crying eventually turning into silent, but still physical, wailing, and finally into nothing. Sniffling, feeling all kinds of self-loathing and shame, he climbed to his feet. His body felt stiff from lying on the cold and unforgiving tiles. Slowly he began to dress himself. Since it was so late, he only slipped on tracksuit pants and a grey, cotton long-sleeved shirt.

Padding back to his dorm, he rubbed his eyes, which actually hurt now from the crying. Attempting not to wake his dorm-mate Jessie, he snuck back to his bed, climbing under the now-cold covers. Turning to face the wall, he heard a light click on and the dalmatian he shared the room with sit up in his own bed. Lars had no idea what he was doing, but he knew he'd probably woken him up while returning to bed, and was wondering if he should apologise just as the dog spoke.

“How come you were crying?" In the past the two had had few conversations, but conversations nonetheless, albeit typically brief and overly formal ones. So the tiger had heard Jessie's voice before, but he still found it surprising. It was a very calm, even and almost soothing voice. It was unusual to hear such a mature tone from a young male canine, and it gave most furs pause when they first heard it. Groaning to himself, Lars rolled over and sat up, looking over at the dalmatian. The dog was a runner, and so had a very well toned, yet slim body. He was simply wearing pyjama bottoms and no shirt whatsoever.

“You knew about that?" Asked the tiger tentatively, more than a little embarrassed.

“Well…uh, I've heard you the last couple of nights, sorry. Thought I should stay out of it…um, but when you were taking ages in the shower…I err…went to check on you. I didn't go in, but it sounded like you were upset through the door." The dog rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously. He obviously felt bad, like he'd been spying on the tiger, but Lars actually felt comforted by his concern.

“It was…just, uh…relationship troubles." He said vaguely.

“Right." He didn't seem to know where to go from there. “Uh, excuse me for prying….but is it that fox? The quiet black one?" Lars looked over, astonished. His eyes were wide open and for a brief moment he felt total panic. It took the tiger a moment to process what he'd heard, and couldn't help feeling like he'd been found out. He tried to shake that thought, even if he couldn't say the words to himself yet, he should get used to the feeling.

“Wh-what do you mean that fox?" He stammered out.

“The one you had coffee with?" The runner must have sensed Lars confusion, since Riley had never been anywhere near the dorm. “I saw you guys chatting in that coffee shop, Rafi's?"

“Why did you…how?" Asked the tiger, still shocked.

“I went jogging that morning…I was bored and thought the exercise might be good. When I ran past I saw you sitting there and stopped for a moment…" He turned away; a little embarrassed the tiger knew he'd been spying.

“And?"

“Well, you guys just seemed really into each other. I mean I know he's gay so I just…assumed. Couple days later, you fall apart completely."

“Oh." Was all the drummer gave in response.

“Is that weird? Sorry, am I an asshole for spying on you? Or for assuming you…I uh, yeah…"

“I mean…since you ask…" Lars swallowed a huge lump of dry, bitter-tasting anxiety in his throat. “Yeah…it is about him. I was…a real dick to him is all."

“I see." Lars could hear the confusion in the dog's voice. Why would the tiger be quite so distraught if he'd done something he knew was bad?

“When you, ah…saw us sitting there. Did you…I dunno, you were…like, okay with it?" He asked, unsure.

“Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" The dog actually cocked his head a little, and Lars had to repress a laugh.

“I dunno…two males, some might have a problem with that."

“What kind of dick would think like that now? I mean jeez, my older brother is gay. He's dating this nice bear named Samuel, whose tons of fun. They're pretty much like any couple, mostly the same as me and my girlfriend to be honest." The dalmatian shrugged, as if any other way of thinking was ridiculous.

“Okay. I dunno, I just wondered."

“But are you okay? I mean you don't have to tell me what happened, but like, you're not gonna…I dunno, hurt yourself are you?" Lars was touched by the runners concern; the two barely knew one another, this was the most personal conversation they'd ever had by a long shot, and still he was worried.

“No…I'm…I'm okay."

“Good, you're uh…I know we don't really know each other. But you can talk to me…if you want to. In the future."

“Thanks Jessie."

“S'okay. Goodnight Lars."

“Goodnight." As he rolled over, the tiger heard the light click off and the dog settle back into a sleeping position. He lay facing the wall for some time, before sitting up and whispering into the dark.

“Jessie?" His eyes tried to make out the shape of the formerly sleeping student, who shifted himself as he turned his head back to the tiger.

“Yeah?"

“You know who Reverend Thompson Marks is?"

“The lion from T.V.? With the Anti-Pride Pride?" He asked.

“Yeah, that's the one. What are your thoughts on him?"

“If he had his way, my brother would be shot. That lion is an utter cunt who should be killed." Lars smiled a little at that.

“Okay, cool…thanks."

“Glad I could help. Don't believe anything he says, it's all lies."

“I won't." With that the tiger turned back to his wall, lost in thoughts of hacking, revenge and cute male fox's.

The next day was weird. It was one of the rare days when both Jessie and Lars were in the same room. Neither had classes, but typically Lars would have had practice with his second band, however they were taking a brief hiatus. Personally he doubted the group would stay together, they signed up to make a song for a group project, then kept it going after the song was done. At first they had practiced every week, but it slowly died off and now they were taking a break. The tiger imagined none of them would make the effort to start practice up again. So he was stuck indoors, doing a summary for a recent project of his, while Jessie studied for his own assessments. The dalmatian was doing so quite intensely, and while the two didn't say much, the air between them was much more pleasant. If they looked each other's way at the same time they'd smile at one another too. Lars was pretty happy that things were more relaxed. There had always been a tension in the past, a slight awkwardness, simply because the two didn't know each other. Now things were way more laid back and the tiger could see the possibility of them even becoming friends one day.

His daydreams and studying (or lack thereof) were interrupted when the door to the dorm echoed with the sound of some fur's knocking. Some students chose to keep their own dorms open during the day, but both Jessie and Lars were fairly private, so it was typically closed. He saw the dalmatian glance over at him, wondering if he would get it, but the young fur had just gotten comfortable and didn't want to move, so he pretended to be totally engrossed in his work. He heard the dog open the door, and some brief, muttered conversation. Then he looked up and saw Jessie grabbing his bag, textbooks and leaving. As his vision roamed over to the door, Lars was surprised to see Riley standing there, eyes downward cast.

As Jessie slipped past the fox and left, Lars shyly closed his own laptop and got up off his bed. He walked over the fox, who was wearing his normal getup of dark colours and a hoodie. One of his arms was hanging free, and the other was crossed over his body protectively. As the drummer got to the door he looked up and met the tiger's gaze.

“Hey." Said Lars.

“Hi." Replied Riley.

Then they stood still for a moment, both unsure what to do next.

“I uh…never told you which dorm I was in." Said Lars awkwardly, sounding slightly more confrontational than he intended. Riley just shrugged casually.

“I'm resourceful." He smiled nervously, blushing under the black fur. Lars stepped back, waving an arm at the room.

“You should come in I guess, I mean it's not a house but you can sit down in privacy." Nodding, Riley walked in and looked about. After a minute he sat down in a wheelie chair resting near Lars' bed. The tiger decided to just sit on his own bed, the same place he'd been before, leaning up against the wall.

“I…uh…" Began the fox, rubbing his hands nervously on his thighs. “I'm sorry…if…if things got weird last time. I didn't mean to scare you. With any of it." Lars smiled.

“You…you didn't scare me…I…had fun." He tried to shake his old thought pattern from his mind. But it still felt strange to be talking like this, about this, to another male. He pushed his mild homophobia aside and focused himself.

“I just, I don't like being pushed around or controlled." Said Riley. “I wanted to hit back at the Marks family. But I thought I should…I guess, try and fix it if you think I took things too far with the Reverend. Or if the other thing was…err…unwanted." The tiger shook his head.

“The stuff about that lion bastard…it…it didn't seem too far. He's a monster. The…uh, 'other thing'…wasn't….entirely…" The drummer felt his entire face burning, and imagined it was incredibly red. He swallowed the lump in his throat.

“…Unwanted." The tiger finished, smiling nervously at himself.

“It wasn't? I-I thought you said…"

“Yeah well…" Interrupted Lars, quickly. “Maybe I was wrong."

“Oh." Was all Riley said. “I uh, didn't go ahead with the stuff on the Rev yet, since I thought you might, y'know…hate it."

“No, I'm okay with that. I'm…I'm okay with all of it. I just needed some time." Said Lars, looking at his feet.

“I'm glad to hear it." With that, Riley got up, walked over and sat on the bed next to Lars. The tiger looked over to him, looking straight into his eyes.

“Riley, I'm gay. And I really like you." He let out the breath he'd been holding in. His heart was racing, and he was sweating. It felt very weird to say that out loud, but he was encouraged when Riley just smiled kindly. The fox didn't say anything at first, but he put a hand on Lars' thigh.

“Is this okay? You sure?" The tiger nodded, swallowing an entirely new anxiety. Trying to take the initiative, he reached out and put one of his paws onto the back of Riley's neck. He felt the soft black fur there, enjoying the tickling sensation on his paw. Then, despite what his head was screaming at him, he leaned in and kissed Riley.

He did it slowly and tenderly, and the fox reciprocated in kind. Lars had to pull away when he began to cry again. Riley looked at him with worry.

“What? I…I'm sorry." He said, concerned. Lars pushed forwards and hugged the fox. Tears rolling out his eyes, and speaking into the hacker's shoulder, he said:

“No, no please don't say that. It's just, I've never felt like this before and it's a lot at once." He felt Riley put his arms around him.

“Me…me neither. I'm glad you're happy."

“Me too." Said the tiger.

Then he pulled back, and kissed his new boyfriend again.