“Losing myself”
When I think of losing myself, I think of doing things I wouldn’t usually do. Maybe even just changing as a person over time. Losing control of yourself is not really what comes to my mind, but there is hardly a better way to explain it. One you’ve ‘lost’ control of your mind, is the body still you?
Damien for the first time looked helpless. For the short time I’ve known him he always seemed to know what to do. Like he had it all figured out. Seeing him now talking about losing himself really put it in perspective for me. Although I made him out as the man with the answers, really he is just one of us changing. He is still marching the same line as everyone else.
“It’s only getting harder. Sometimes I don’t notice it and other times it's like I’m taking the backseat. Like I can see what's happening but can’t and won’t take control.” Damien said, looking at the ground. “This can't go on forever like this”
“But you can’t just give up, everyone here can help keep you in control dude.” I replied.
“Lyall, I’m sorry but I’ve seen this before. Once your mind starts to go, your body is just behind it. I’m in the final stretch, it does not matter how long I drag it out for. I’m not going to be here much longer.” Damien said while looking up to me. “I expected this, I just wanted a little more time.”
“Does anyone else know? Nash? Benji?”
“Nash is picking up the signs I think. Benji doesn’t need to know, he has too much on his plate right now. I don’t know how much anyone else knows. I’ll tell everyone, at some point.” Damien said with a defeated tone.
Silence took the room for a while. Damien just looked at the floor and all I could do was stare at him. This was the quietest Damien had ever been with me. Normally he always has something to say, but this time neither of us knew what to say.
Damien took a deep breath and lifted his head up. He let the breath out and stood up. “No sense in wallowing in pity. I’m headed back down, wanna come?” Damien asked as he walked towards the door.
I stood up and walked out with him. We walked down the stairs and into the main room yet again. Matthew was on a laptop at the bar top, Jeremy and Benji were watching TV and Rylie was on the recliner reading. Everything was as normal as can be for everyone else.
Damien walked into the kitchen and I Sat down at the couch. The show on the TV had a bunch of random people trying to stack cardboard boxes. Confused, I asked Benji “What exactly is going on?”
“So they have to build the tallest tower with boxes. Whoever builds it the tallest wins the round.” Benji said while gesturing with his hands. When he was finished he pulled his arms close to his body with his wrist bent. The position looked uncomfortable.
“Is your wrist alright?” I asked him.
He held out his hand and spun it around. “Yeah it’s all good. How's your butt?” Benji said giggling to himself.
“Heh, ya got me there.” I said back before turning to watch the TV.
After that we watched for a bit and made it to the end of the episode. We turned the TV off and Benji walked upstairs. My phone started ringing. Looking down it was a call from Kole.
“Hello?” I said as I picked up.
“Yo! Bird man!” Kole said excitedly. “You have a way to pick me up? I wanna get out of the house.”
“Not really, I never ended up getting a car. Don’t you have a car?” I asked.
“I mean yeah. But I don't have hands or feet so there’s a problem.” Kole said back jokingly. “Unless you wanna stop by and grab me and the car? You still have hands and feet right?”
“I mean I guess I can, Where are you wanting to go?”
“I don't know, maybe the lake or something? Just somewhere out of the house and not crowded.” Kole said.
“Yeah, sounds good. When do you want me to stop by” I asked, going somewhere other than home or the AA house sounded great.
“Whenever! Just be quick!” Kole said before hanging up.
I checked out the walking time between the AA house and Kole’s. It's only about a 13 minute walk so it's doable and I’m sure I could get a ride back. So I said my goodbyes to the group and started my walk.
This walk was quite a bit less stressful than the last time I walked on the street. I’ve gotten more comfortable with my current body and at this point it's just becoming normal to me. But with winter coming it is getting to be a bit cold to be wearing no pants. It's not like I feel a draft but more of my legs themselves are just getting cold.
I made it to Kole’s and walked in. I was greeted by Kole who was pretty shocked by my state. This was the first time he had actually seen my changes since the last time I was over.
“I didn’t mean for you to rush over and skip getting dressed my dude.” Kole said as he looked over my body with a smile.
“Save it Bambi, you’ll get your time.” I said back with a chuckle. “So what did you want me over for exactly?”
“Man, I’ve just gotta get out of the house. I swear if I’m not here I am at the doc’s. Getting cabin fever I swear!”
“And I’m needed because?” I asked sarcastically.
“You’ve got feet and fingers. I can’t operate a door, much less a car. So you're gonna drive us to the west end reserve…. Right?” Kole said.
“Sure… I think? Why do you want to go there instead of something maybe a bit closer?” I asked, the west end is on the opposite side of the city and was just walking platforms over a swamp area and walking paths in a field.
“Haven’t been there for a while. Figured it would be different, you know?” He said, quickly.
I shrugged to him and we walked out to his car. It wasn’t anything special, a mid 2000s Chevy Cobalt. Blue in color with a little bit of rust. Based on the amount of dirt and leaves on it I could tell it had been sitting a while. Doors were unlocked and I tried to situate myself in the seat. Easier said than done as the seats sat much lower than the SUV.
Once I was sat down in a reasonable, albeit uncomfortable way I looked over the passenger door. Kole was standing outside still, gesturing his hoof to the door handle. I leaned across the car for the handle, putting an extremely uncomfortable amount of pressure on my tail. One pull followed by a shove and the door opened a few inches, enough for Kole to stick his arm in the door and pull it open.
Kole sat down and fought with the door, using the side pocket he was able to pull it shut with a loud thunk. I reached down to grab the keys from the center cup holder, started the engine after a little hesitation from the starter. I pulled the seat belt down and clicked it in place, looking to Kole as he struggled trying to maneuver the belt. I eventually reached across and grabbed the belt securing it for him.
After the fiasco that was getting in the car, we finally left the driveway and were off to the reserve. Kole sitting slumped in the passenger seat and I was sitting cocked to the left.
“Does your tail flex or do you have to sit like that?” Kole asked
“The ends can flex, but the base is pretty solid. If I didn’t sit this way there wouldn’t be anywhere for it to all fit.” I replied back “What about yours?
“If it’s straight up I can just sit with my butt a little forward. A little pressure isn’t bad though.” Kole said, adjusting himself in the seat. “Can yours just go straight up?”
The thought of bending my tail up to follow my back sounded painful and sent a shiver down my spine. “I think that might break something haha” I said back to him laughing. “Does it really not hurt for you?”
“I mean it’s not fun, but I’m not going to holler in pain from it” Kole said.
“I can’t say the same myself. I’d be screaming for sure” I said as we pulled into the gravel parking lot.
The Parking lot was mostly empty. A few cars were parked towards the front area. I pulled into a spot and killed the engine. I unbelted myself and climbed out of the door. Finally freeing my tail from its prison. I wasn’t able to see anyone around but I could see 2 trailheads near the other parked cars.
*click click click*
Looking back at the car I could see Kole knocking on the window. I had forgotten he can’t get out on his own! I ran to the other side and pulled the door open. He reached for the buckle and was pushing his hoof at it. After a bit of struggling he was able to push the button and release himself.
Kole climbed out of the car. His walking was improving but still not the same as before. He walked to the front of the car, pushing the door shut at the same time. He stumbled and threw his arm to grab the car. Doing so he scraped his hoof on the hood, catching himself as he did.
“Woah! Walking on loose rock is weird. It's way different from the usual carpet and wood I’m used to.” Kole laughed.
Looking at his feet was odd. His hooves were basically like 2 toes, the damp ground leaving 2 curved impressions with every step. My shoes only left prints on very muddy ground. Come to think of it, everywhere Kole goes he is barefooted.
We walked towards the trailheads. As we got closer we could see the labels. One was for the bridge walk and the other the field trails. We decided to go the way of the field trails after some concerns over the damp wood and Kole’s less than excellent footing.
We walked through a small section of wooded trails. On the way we passed a couple who seemed to keep their distance, walking the far edge of the trail. Once passed the trees the trail opened up to a large field with tall grass and very few trees throughout. The area was designated a preserve and is surrounded by miles of woods. The city did this after fear of expansion taking away the remaining green space around the city.
We walked the trails for quite some time. Not many words were exchanged and we did not see many people. It was relaxing and quiet other than the sounds of bugs and birds creating background sound. Kole stopped and turned to look at me.
“See that tree there?” He said pointing his arm about 200ft down the path. “Wanna race to it?”
“Race? As in run to it?” I asked.
“Yeah, or actually first past it.” He said looking back towards the tree.
“Alright, on my mark” I said, getting myself into a stance. “Aaaand GO!”
I took off as fast as I could. Putting my all into running. This reminded me of when Kole and I were younger. Constantly trying to see who was the quickest in a foot race. I had usually been quicker having been the more athletic in school. But this time not only was Kole quicker, he was quicker by a large margin. He was easily twice my speed! When I finally reached the tree, Kole had long finished.
“How slow are ya? You ain’t got talons yet and you're still slow as molasses!” Kole teased.
“Dude….how fast…were you…going?” I said, trying to catch my breath.
Kole was excited beyond all belief. “I bet I could go faster! You wanna see me try?”
“You can try. I’m taking a breather, I haven’t run like that in a looong time.” I said as I sat down on the ground.
Kole took a jog to about 150ft away and turned around. From there he started sprinting towards me. He was easily running at 10-15 miles per hour leaning crazy far forward. He zoomed past me and ran for a bit longer. He slowed to a stop and yelled out.
“I’ve still got more! Just gotta keep pushing!”
He started to run towards me again. This time was different. He learned as far forward as he could, still speeding towards me. He stumbled slightly and his arms swung out in front of him. His arm hooves made contact with the ground and pushed down. He continued to run, but this now his body was parallel to the ground and running on his legs AND arms. Moving forward yet faster with a hopping motion.
He blew past me at his fastest speed yet by a huge margin. He slowed to a stop and turned to face me. With one hoof raised and three on the ground he was looking at me.
“Woah! How fast was that!” He said giddy.
“Your arms!” I yelled out.
He looked down to his arms and jumped a bit. Quickly he put all his hooves down, then jumped up onto his hind legs. He fell back down onto all four legs again. He let out a loud grunting sound as he jumped up onto his hind legs again. At this time I started running towards him. He fell back onto all fours again.
I reached my arms out. “Jump up and put your leg….arms on my shoulders!”
He did as I said and I was holding him up right at an angle. His head next to mine. I could feel the muscles in his legs jerking and him snorting in my ear. His rear legs stepped constantly trying to find a footing.
“Think of yourself Kole. Think of you.” I tried to speak calmly. “Take a deep breath and think”
He took a deep breath and the snorting quit. His legs and muscles make less movement. His breathing slowed and he pulled his arms tighter to my back. I felt him pulling me closer to him so I stepped forward. As I did there was a loud sound.
*CRACK*
I felt his body weight shift off of me. He lifted his arms up and off of my shoulders. In doing so I took a step back to give home room. Immediately looking at him I could see a change. His nose and mouth extended out further by a small amount and his nose was flatter and darker like a deers.
“Oh my god! Dude that was so close, I was almost…almost stuck!” Kole said.
“Yeah, you were pretty far. But you're upright now.” I tried to say something to comfort him, but was distracted by his new nose.
“Thanks Lyall. If it weren’t for you I’d have been stuck like that” Kole wrapped his arms around me. “But I think my pants are done for now.” He said as he ground his arms down to cover himself and turned around.
Although he was trying to block the view from his torn pants, I could see from behind that some other changes had stuck. From below his tail I could see his entire rear was covered in white fur. I could only imagine how far forward it went.
“Uhh, Lyall?” He asked. “What happened when you changed?”
“Changed when?” I asked back.
“Like down….below?” Kole said quietly.
“Oh, uhh, it was just..like gone…why?” I asked.
Kole turned around, his hooves still trying to cover himself. But I could see white fur coming up onto his belly.
“Promise to not freak out?” Kole asked
I nodded. Kole moved his arms and I saw a white flab of skin connected to the bottom of his belly. He quickly turned around to face away from me. I started to walk away but his pants fell causing him to trip. His arms stayed against his body and he hit the ground with a thud.
“Damn it!” He yelled. “I guess that’s what i get for actually feeling happy!” He yelled laying on the ground.
“Ay dude, it’s not as big of a deal as you think. It’s just another little change.” I said, trying to calm him down again.
Kole stood up again, this time his pants staying on the ground. His hooves legs now completely covered in fur. He turned his head around to look at me.
“I can’t be walking around like this! I’m just… hanging out all over the place!”
“You’ve got fur now dude. You can get away with it a bit easier. Plus no one is around, don’t sweat it!” I said.
He turned around and I realized he was not as well concealed as I am. While he now has a sheath and everything is covered in white fur it's still obvious he isn’t covering himself. I just started walking forward and past him.
“Where are you going?” He asked as I walked.
“Walking the trail like we planned. You can keep staring at yourself or we can walk.” I tried to play it off as if I didn’t care. But really I was just trying to change the subject. It seemed to work though as Kole started walking as well.
We eventually came to the edge of the woods. Cutting the field from the trees was a small creek. I sat down at the water's edge and Kole joined me. It had been awhile since the incident and I was worn from all the walking. Kole threw his torn pants onto the ground behind us.
“Thanks for dragging me out here Kole” I said watching the water ripple. “I needed some time away from everything.”
“No dude, thanks for driving. I love this place, it’s peaceful, quiet and safe.” He said looking into the trees. “It’ll make a great place to live.”
At first I didn’t really catch the last part. I just continued to sit there and watch the waving water.
“It is nice and quiet. Wait.” I said looking at him “Did you say live here?”
Kole laughed “yeah, I did. I mean it too, look at how perfect it is out here!”
“It's a reserve, you can’t live here” I said half laughing half confused.
“Not yet. But this is where I want to go once I’m finished.” Kole said looking back to the woods.
Finished? Was that what he said?
“Finished? As in gone finished?” I asked.
“Gone? I don't know. I don’t think anyone knows. But finished changing? Yes.” He said calmly.
I didn’t say anything to that. I sat quietly thinking about Kole’s real reason for coming out here. Did he bring me out here just to share his plans? Or worse yet, was he planning on going home?
“Was that why you brought me out here?” I asked
“One reason. I also need you to promise me something.” Kole said quietly. “Once I’m changed, I want you to visit me.”
“Visit…you?” I was confused by what he meant.
“What if they are wrong? What if I’m still in there when the changes finish? I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life.” Kole said. I could tell he was serious and he was actually wanting a response.
“I’ll visit, I can promise you that you won’t be alone.” I said back to him. “But if you are still in there I need you to give me a sign.”
“I’ll find a way” Kole said as he stood up. “Well it’s getting a bit late and you have to drive. Don’t think driving at night would be the greatest idea we have had.”
I stood up, brushed myself off and my tail shook itself into place. “Sounds good. Which way is the car?” I said looking at the 3 paths in front of us.
“Just hug the edge of the trees and we will find it eventually” Kole said confidently.
What happened next was about 2 hours of walking the tree line. There wasn’t a single path that just followed the tree line. A few paths would follow it for a bit then either dip into the trees or into the tall grass. Through the process of trial and error we reached what looked to be the trail out.
We reached the car and looking around, most of the other cars had left. Kole threw his torn pants into a trash can as he walked past. I assisted Kole in both opening the door and putting on his seat belt before climbing in myself.
We pulled out of the parking lot and onto the road. The sun was just about to begin setting so I was trying to move as quickly as possible to get home before dark.
“Remember when my changes first started and you tried to help me hide them at school? We tried to extend the straps on my bag so it would hang below my tail. But it instead just looked goofy” Kole said “Now look at us, just a bunch of animals trying to live a human life.”
“At graduation you tried to keep your tail from tent-polling your gown. You walked funny all day because you didn’t believe us, that you couldn’t tell anyways.” I laughed.
We enjoyed reminiscing about school days when I had a feeling come over me. Of all the bad times for it to come, I knew the clock started. There wasn’t a place to stop anywhere near. Just trees lining both sides of the road.
“Agh, Kole, we need to stop. Like right now.” I said pulling the car to the side of the road.
“Why? Do I need to call for help?” Kole asked worriedly.
At least 10 seconds had already passed. I was struggling with the seatbelt. Hands slipping and frantically trying to push the button. Finally I freed myself and opened the door. I practically leapt out of the car when I started feeling the immediate need to lift my tail. I made it about 8 feet from the car when time ran out and involuntarily lifted my tail and released. In less than a second it was done.
I turned around to see Kole watching me from the car. His eyes were wide. I walked back to the car and without a word I belted myself in and continued driving. Kole was quiet and I think he was even a bit embarrassed for me. It wouldn’t be so bad if I had just a bit more warning.
The little stop we had to make didn’t help with the waning daylight. When we reached Kole’s it was getting late. I helped Kole out of the car and into the house.
“Lyall, why don't you just drive the car home tonight. Just bring it back whenever, it's no big deal.” Kole said as he stepped in the door. “With Mom about to see this, the car is the least of the problems” He was gesturing at his face and body.
“Best of luck!” I said as Kole closed the door.
I got into the car and drove off. I was going to go home but had a feeling I should stop by the AA house. Maybe even just crash there for the night. I parked next to Nash’s van and stepped out into the cold fall air. I stepped in the door and saw Nash, Benji and Matthew. Nash looked over to me.
“Hey Lyall. We need to talk about something.” Nash said with a sad tone. “It’s about Damien. He uhh, had an episode earlier… alone and uhh, had another change.”
“His feet?” I said “Did they finish?”
“No, his head.” Nash said. “He was alone and came down from his room afterwards.”
“Where is he?” I asked.
“Upstairs, he went up after talking to us.” Nash said quietly.
Without thinking I started up the stairs. When I got to Damien’s room I knocked.
“Damien? You mind if I come in?” I said slowly opening the door.
With the door fully opened I saw him. His head wasn’t just changed. It was completely inhuman. He had yellowish-white beak, yellow eyes with a singular black dot in the middle. From his eyes extended red feathers to the back of his head. His head was lifted up by a long flexible neck.
He never made a sound and his new head was void of any emotion. He looked at me using a single eye on the side of his head. He just stared at me, no motion besides the occasional blink.
“You feeling alright Damien?” I asked.
He stared before slowly shaking his head ‘no’.
“You ok if I stay here for a while?”
He nodded ‘yes’.
“Did you have another episode?”
‘Yes’
“Did you end it yourself?”
‘Yes’
“Were there changes that did not stick?”
‘Yes’
“Are you able to talk?”
‘No’
“Were you alone?”
‘Yes’
I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I couldn’t help but feel responsible for his change after I told him I’d be there. He was so close now, he resembled more of a bird than he did a human. He stood up and I saw two other changes. His feet were changed now. He had four clawed toes on each foot. Behind him hung a pure black tail.
As he stood he held both his wings out slightly. Not making a sound but pulling his head to the side. I did not understand what he was trying to say but after a few moments he walked towards me. Once his chest touched mine he extended his wings out and around me. I wrapped my arms around his body. His body was soft, while his wings were stiff.
“You don’t have long do you?”
I could feel his head shake slowly.
“You told the others?”
He nodded his head.
“This is goodbye isn’t it?”
As soon as I said it his wings pressed harder against me. After a moment he nodded again. His head pushed harder against mine and I could feel every feather bending against my face.
“Are you letting yourself finish?”
‘Yes’
“Are they coming to get you?”
‘Yes’
“Do you want them to take you?”
He hesitated but nodded after a few moments ‘yes’
We released from our hug. Damien turned his head and started preening his wing feathers. All I could do was watch him. Not long ago he was mostly human, but now he was on the verge of losing his humanity. I could feel my vision blurring and my eyes watering.
I walked to the door, but before opening it I looked back at Damien.
“See you…See…I’ll see you again.” I stumbled on the words.
He looked at me, this time straight on and nodded. He then made a ‘churr’ sound. I turned and walked out of the door and closed it behind me. I walked downstairs where now everyone was sitting quietly. I sat down and looked at the group.
“He told all of you?” I asked quietly.
“Yeah.” Nash replied. “He had me call the research folks to come get him. He wanted to go on his terms”
“That’s how I figured he wanted it.” Matthew said. “He wasn’t one for people to tell him what to do.”
Benji got up and hugged Nash.
“I know, I know.” Nash said something in response to Benji.
“Did he…wait for me?” I asked.
“He said he wanted to see you before. We didn’t know if we were going to have to go get you or if you were stopping by.” Rylie said.
“He made sure to talk with all of us this evening.” Nash said.
We all sat for a while in silence. After a few hours and a few calls Nash made in the other room, there was a knock on the door.
Nash answered it and there was a man and a woman at the door, in the man's hand was a white box labeled “LIVE ANIMAL”. Nash directed them upstairs and to the last room on the left. They went upstairs and after a bit walked down with the box in hand. We could hear something in the box rustling. They thanked us for our time and left.
And as quick as that, they were gone. They got what they needed to start their program and save the Ivory’s.
Damien was gone.
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