Silence.
No one dared say a word. The group sat quietly and waited for someone to say something. All while not wanting to be the first to speak. After about an hour of silence, slowly everyone began to get up and head to bed. I laid down on the couch and tried my best to sleep.
The early morning sun lit the room. I walked around the bottom floor of the house, but I was seemingly the only person up so far. Reliving last night in my head over and over. Part of me could not believe it had happened, as if it was a dream. I waited for someone else to come down the stairs, but no one did after waiting half an hour.
It felt unreal, the events of last night. But they had to be real. The memories were vivid and detailed, unlike a dream that fades. I had to look. The curiosity and uncertainty were killing me.
I walked up the stairs and turned down the hall. His name was written across the door on a small rectangular sign. Opening the door and peered in. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe Damien? Maybe a sign of what happened? But nothing seemed to be too different. The room was a bit messy but nothing worse than yesterday morning.
Looking around felt wrong, and I felt like I was invading Damien's personal space. I turned to leave when I saw a small white feather lying on the floor. I picked it up and looked at it carefully. It was bright white, still, and looking at the end, there appeared to be a small amount of dried blood on the tip. I left the room carrying the feather in my hand.
I closed the door, but I heard a voice as I did.
"You doing ok?" Rylie said, "Do you wanna talk about it?"
I turned to face her. "I don't know," I said.
She turned her head, gesturing for me to come downstairs. I followed her and took a seat on the couch, she sat on the loveseat.
"I think I know how you feel," She said. "It's a lot to take in, and you are probably a little confused, maybe a little scared."
I sighed. "It doesn't feel real. I was just talking to him yesterday, and everything was going to be alright."
"Everything is going to be alright. Things recently have been bleak, but sometimes life can be." Rylie said softly. "We just have to keep moving, and it's what Damien would have done."
"But what happens now?" I asked. "What happens after we finish changing? Do we just continue like nothing happened? Just pretend everything is fine?"
"You can't pretend it never happened, but you also can't let it keep you from living," Rylie said. "I know it sounds easy, but I've been through it 4 times now. I can tell you it isn't, but we have to do it."
"Do you think he's still in there?" I asked. "Is his mind still in his body?"
"Lyall," She said," I wish I could tell you. Maybe he is still in control. Maybe he's gone. I don't know, and no one really knows."
"But do you think it's still him?" I asked again.
Rylie sighed. "Maybe. I just don't know."
We could hear a thudding down the stairs. We both looked over to see Benji at the foot of the stairs. He walked towards us, his feet tapping with every step. His face was void of any emotion. He sat down without a word on the couch next to me.
"You feeling ok, Benji?" Rylie asked.
Benji opened his mouth but hesitated to speak. "Yeah"
"Do you want to talk about it?" Rylie asked him.
"No, I'm good," Benji replied.
"Are you sure? You can tell me anything, Benji." Rylie said.
Benji turned to face her and said sternly, "No."
Matthew walked in and sat down.
"Nash is with Jeremy this morning." Matthew said, "Not sure when they will be back."
Rylie nodded.
I stood up to leave for home when Rylie stopped me.
"What's that in your hand?" Rylie asked.
I looked at my hand to see the white feather. "I found it this morning. Don't know why I picked it up. I just felt like I should."
"Is it Dame's?" Matthew said.
"I think it is. Maybe that's why I kept it?" I said back while still looking at it. "It's white, and he's the only one with white wing feathers, right?"
"Unless you haven't told us something, I would say it is his," Matthew said.
Just talking about him made me feel sick. My stomach churned, and I walked out of the room and towards the bathroom. I quickly stepped inside and locked the door behind me. I did my business, flushed, and went to wash my hands. While doing so, I looked into the mirror. I saw myself, but not my usual self. I saw the part man, part hawk creature I've become. Golden brown eyes, thighs, hips, all things that were less than human. My tail behind me, which until recently I could not control, but now was like second nature.
Damien wasn't a unique case. Everyone in this house would have to go through that. It isn't a matter of whether it would happen, but when. Damien seemed to have his pretty under control, but just one small change led to him losing that control. Could I have stopped it if I was still at the house yesterday? Would Damien still be here if I had not left with Kole?
I left the bathroom and made my way to the front door. I had not had myself checked in a while. Not sure exactly if it was fear of learning what may have changed or just trying to pretend nothing was changing. I felt like I needed to get checked out. Maybe it could help in some way? Perhaps I could get some answers? Also, an excuse to leave the house?
Rylie stopped me as I went to walk out the door. She grabbed my arm and said, "Lyall, where are you going?"
I thought of lying to her and just saying I was going home. But what would that really do for me? So I told her the truth. "I'm going to get checked out, and I should be back later today."
"Did something change?" She asked.
"Nothing changed. I just need to go. I haven't been looked at in a while and just think it may make me feel better if I did." I said back to her. She let go of my arm and looked at me. I walked out the door and headed to Kole's car.
I figured he would not mind if I used it today. It's not like he has much use for it, and I can just take the opportunity to return it. I situated myself in the seat, or as best as I could fit. I drove downtown to the doctor's office. The parking lot had a few cars, but it did not seem overly busy. I parked the car and wondered why I decided to come here. It wasn't going to change anything. I pretty much knew everything that had changed. I did want to ask questions, but did Leslie have any information I didn't know already?
I walked in and up to the receptionist's desk despite these questions.
"How can I help?" The receptionist asked.
"Hey, I uh, haven't been in for a while and figured I should get checked out," I said to her.
"What's your name, dear?"
"Lyall Williams," I said and turned my head to see who all could hear. In the waiting area, I saw a few people, but I did not see who they were in my quick glance.
"Anything changed since your last visit?" She asked.
I looked down at myself. I looked back up and said, "A bit down at, uh… my waist?"
She looked at me, confused. "You're waist? As in your hips?"
"No, more like… lower?" I said again, quieter, hesitant to say it aloud.
She leaned up and looked over the short counter at me. "Is that all new?"
"For the most part," I said to her.
"Ok, well, take a seat, and we will call you up."
I walked to the waiting area. I felt their eyes looking at me, the others waiting. I could see 3 others in the room. One was a man who looked fine aside from brown fur running down his arms. His hands looked like a cross between human hands and paws. He looked to be in his late twenties or early thirties.
A few seats to his left was a girl who looked as if there were no changes to her. The first time someone looking so typical looked out of place. She was young, maybe early twenties? She sat on her phone, scrolling, eyes glued. Every once in a while, she would smirk or chuckle to herself.
At the end of the line of chairs, facing me, was another man. Similar age to the girl, but he was wearing a button-up shirt. The top half of the shirt was left undone, and on his chest were white feathers. There was a black line of feathers across his upper chest. He was like me, looking around the room and watching what others were doing. We made quick eye contact before he looked away.
The large metal door in the room crept open, and the nurse's face leaned out into the room. "Amber?" The nurse said from the door. The girl stood up and walked in the door, each step with a slight limp. The door closed with a loud thud after she entered.
I sat and looked at the covers of the magazines next to me. Mostly the typical doctor's office style magazines with stock photos and basic information on the cover. Just things to try and pass the time.
"Weston?" Another voice called out. The man with the white and black feathers stood up and walked through the door behind her.
The door shut, and there was silence again. I picked up one of the magazines and tried to thumb through it, at least something to do while I waited. All the pages were either watered-down medical advice or advertisements for medications.
"How long have you been going for?" A man's voice said. I looked up to see the guy a few seats down across from me looking my way. I looked behind and around myself, and the two of us 2 were the only ones in the room.
"You're asking me?" I said, pointing to myself.
"Yeah, how long have you been going through this?" He asked again.
"Oh, I don't know. A few weeks, I think?" I hadn't really kept track.
"I thought you would have been longer." He said again. He held up a paw in front of himself and turned it. "Got these babies 2 days ago. Makes getting around a pain,"
"You find a way through," I said, trying to sound optimistic.
"Yeah, the claws make opening bags easier. That makes up for scissors," he said, chuckling. "Getting them to come out when you want them is a battle. They always pick bad times to show up. Trying to reach for the car door? Best time for them to grab everything!"
"I had that with the tail. Eventually, you figure it out." I said back. "It's like a game, and you find ways of working around it. Then it's like second nature!"
"Control your tail, huh? I didn't know those moved. Figured they were just.. there," He said.
"Believe me, I've learned more about birds than I ever wanted to," I said, chuckling myself.
"Tell me about it! I didn't even know there was a thing called a 'Marten' until a few months ago. Now here I sit!" He said, holding his paws out.
A voice came from the doorway again. "Devon?"
"Well, it seems it's my turn! Nice talking with you, uhh what was your name?" He said.
"Lyall," I said back.
"Yeah, Lyall the sparrow, right?" He said jokingly.
"Close enough," I said jokingly.
"The same difference," he said, winking.
After the door shut, it opened again. The girl from earlier walked out the door and out of the building. I was alone now, well, mostly. Small glass windows were separating the receptionist and me. I sat and waited in silence until I heard the door open.
"Lyall?" The nurse said into the room.
I got up and followed her through the door. I was taken to a scale and weighed. She was jotting down notes onto a clipboard as she walked. She took me to a room and started with a series of questions.
"Have you had any recent changes?"
"Any recent events to trigger changes?"
"Any changes to diet?"
"Any changes to daily activity?"
"Any drug or alcohol use?"
"Difficulty with thoughts or instincts?"
I answered them all as best as I could. She simply said the doctor would be in soon. I was again waiting alone in the room. There was a slight hissing from the air vents but no other sounds. Looked around and saw small posters with all sorts of information on changing. Most of the posters seemed to be related to birds. A small pile of clothes was on the counter, and they looked haphazardly placed without any care to try and fold them. The door swung open, and I looked up to greet Leslie but was met with the feathered guy from the waiting room.
"Oh, someone is in here, sorry!" He said as he turned down the hallway. "Which room were we in?"
The nurse quickly came in and led me to another room. As I walked down the hall, I saw the man wearing a gown standing there with his hands behind his back, and he tried his best to not make eye contact.
"Sorry, Lyall! It's not often we have two avians in here at once." She said as she sat me down in the new room. This room was the same, except the posters ranged from canines to bears instead of birds. The posters were probably different from room to room, depending on the species. I did learn from these that some hybrids will sleep more in winter to satisfy the need for hibernation. Not sure that helps me any.
The door swung open again. This time it was Leslie.
"Sorry for the mix-up! The nurse thought he had checked out already." Leslie said as she took a seat, clipboard in hand. "So anyway, what's new with Lyall?"
I gestured my hands to my crotch. "A little more here and a lot less pants," I said. She nodded and started writing.
"That's certainly new! How long has it been like this?" She asked. "Go ahead and undress too if you don't mind."
I gave her the timeline of events as I took what little clothes I was still wearing off. She put on gloves and began poking and prodding the area with the small metal stick. It was cold, and I began to remember one of the reasons I wanted to avoid the doctor.
"Any changes in the bathroom?" She asked.
"Major changes," I said back.
I felt a cold poke under my tail, and without thinking, my tail pushed down, and I jumped forward. Reeling from the unexpected prod, I caught my balance, and my tail shook as it re-adjusted itself. Over the last few days, it seems like it will just do that. I believe it has something to do with how the feathers are laying. I meant to ask Damien about it before...
"Sorry," She said, putting the metal stick down on the counter. "Let's take some X-rays and see what we can,"
She guided me out of the room and down the hall. Eventually, reaching the room labeled "Imaging."
It felt odd walking around nude, without even a gown on. I guess the public sees it as ok since I have nothing visible, but it still feels weird, especially after seeing that other avian guy wearing one.
We walked into the imaging room, where I had a series of X-rays done. After that, I had three feathers plucked which hurt like hell. One tail feather and two from my legs, and the ones on my legs were not as painful as the tail feather. Blood was drawn, and my mouth swabbed. I was told I no longer had to pee in a cup, so that was one less demeaning thing.
Afterward, I was led back into the room and put my shirt and shoes back on. Leslie went over the X-rays and explained some things I already knew. I now had a cloaca, and my tail feathers were near complete. "Flight ready" is what she referred to them as. She did tell me that there were 2 other things she found. My hips were adjusting to be more like a hawk's, and my bones had begun to adapt to the composition of a bird's bones. None of this seemed to concern her, and she did recommend I try eating more meat in my diet.
"Slight pain in your legs is going to be expected soon. You may get lucky, and the shifting happens in your sleep. But you'll know when it's complete." She said, looking at the clipboard. "That pretty much takes care of everything. Do you have any questions for me?"
I don't know if she really knew what she was getting into with that question. Damien, the mental changes and my future. So I thought I would try to ease into my questions.
"When I had the changes recently, I have been better able to control my tail. Is that how it normally goes?" I asked.
"It depends. Usually, the instincts that come with a new limb or changed body part can take a little time. Depends on how behind your mental changes are." She said
"Mental changes?" I asked. Fearing talking about anything mental, it was such a fast change after Damien had his mental changes.
"I'm sure you've noticed that changes are hard at first but get easier, right?" She said, "It's because your mind changes too. Just little changes that come along with physical changes."
"But I don't notice them?" I asked.
"Think of it as an unconscious action. Things you don't realize are happening, and your body just does, like breathing." She explained. "Some you will use without even knowing, and some avian hybrids will find they have better balance with a tail."
I thought about how I should ask the real question without raising any questions. What I wanted to know is how mental changes like Damien's happen. But I don't want her to think anything is happening to me.
"What about changes to have…. a hawk mind? I mean, like my mind to the hawks?" I asked, and this got a bit of a surprised face from her.
"Lyall, I don't know if we should be talking about that. You have a long road ahead of you, and we really don't need to be worrying about that right now." She said back. "Is there a reason you're thinking about this?"
That did it.
"I was just doing some future planning," I said, trying to keep a confident sound when I was lying about my reasons.
"I can get you in touch with someone to help decide future options, but those questions are usually left out." She said back. "Normally, they would handle relocation or captive arrangments."
"Can you tell me what happens then?" I asked finally, and I figured getting to the point would be my next best move. "I just want to know how the changes end. Would you still be.... you?"
She was pretty surprised by that. She looked at her watch and took a note. "I don't have enough time to go over this right now. But I can give you some reading material on it." She reached into a drawer and shuffled through some little booklets. She found the one she was looking for and handed it to me.
'Shared Space: The Other You'
"Give this a read, but remember to not get too hung up on this Lyall. There are other things for you to work on right now." She said, "If you insist on talking about this, make an appointment ahead of time, and we can take a bit longer to talk about it."
I thanked her for the time and the booklet. I was led out to the checkout by her and finished signing the paperwork. I saw 2 other people sitting in the waiting room as I left. I walked out the door and to Kole's car. Opening the door, I sat in the car, looking at the cover of the little booklet. I put it in the passenger seat and started my drive.
I drove by my house to see the driveway was empty. I ran in and grabbed a bag of clothes, and saw a note on the counter. The message had my name written on it. Opening the letter, it was from my mother.
"Lyall,
I'm sure you're out spending time with your friends. But I have thought about your idea of moving in with your friends. I want to talk to you face to face when you can. I know you've been busy, but text me when you can.
Love Mom"
I'm surprised she didn't call me or text me but instead wrote it out on paper. I pulled out my phone to check when my last text was from her. We haven't sent messages for a couple days, so I didn't miss anything? I sent her a text.
"Got your note. Is everything ok?"
There was no immediate response. I grabbed my backpack and left. In the car, I tucked the booklet into the bag's side pocket and drove off to the AA house.
The temperatures were starting to get cooler as the year went. Being in a Midwest state, we had rough winters but usually only colder temperatures until January. After that was when the real snow came. Outside was starting to look dreary as most trees lost their leaves, and grass turned more brown than green. The heat in the car was trying its best to keep the cabin warm.
I reached the AA house and parked the car. Jeremy and Nash's cars were both parked out front. Grabbing my things, I climbed out of the vehicle. I walked up to and through the front door. Inside everyone was sitting around the main room talking. I walked up and sat down on the couch arm next to Jeremy.
"Been a minute since I've seen ya!" Barclay said, looking me over. "Looks like it's been longer, though."
I shugged. "What brings you around?" I asked.
"Oh, you know, old friends turning into birds," He said sarcastically.
I felt dumb after hearing him say that. I didn't even think about the situation and his relationship with Damien.
"You get done what you needed to," Rylie asked.
"As much as I could." I answered, "How have you guys been holding up?"
"Fine, we think. Or as good as we can." Matthew said.
Jeremy shrugged, Nash gave a 'meh' expression, and Benji didn't say or do anything. We all made small talk about anything and nothing.
"I guess it's time to make my little announcement," Barclay said as he stood up. "I've been planning it for a while, but I'm headed out west. I've always wanted to take a trip, but I think there has never been a better time than now."
"You flying or driving out?" Rylie asked.
Barclay held his arms out. "Well, since these things aren't ready, I'd say driving."
"Oh, you know what I meant." Rylie said, "Avrill going with you?"
"Yep! We are stopping in Colorado to see the mountains before driving till we hit the Pacific." Barclay said excitedly. "You know you guys can visit if you want? I'll always have somewhere for you to sleep."
Benji got up and went upstairs without saying a word. I could hear his door shut upstairs. Rylie quickly got up and walked up the stairs.
"It's gotta be hard for the kid." Nash said, "Losing your mother and a friend that close together."
"It's his first experience with it, too," Matthew said. "It's the third for me, but I'll admit it's not much easier."
"Gabe was a fun guy. Loved him to death, but he was the first I saw go," Nash said, leaning back in the chair.
"You just liked having another cardinal," Matthew said, teasing.
Nash laughed. "If that's what you think, so be it! We'll see how you do it without your corvid bro."
"This is the first for both of you, then?" Matthew asked Jeremy and I. Jeremy nodded, as did I.
"I'll say Damien's was rougher than most." Matthew continued, "But I think once he knew his mind was going, he just wanted to be done with it."
"Could Damien have held out longer?" I asked
"Maybe," Matthew said, sounding unsure.
Nash quickly cut in, "He may have been able to, but the question is if it was worth holding out."
"I can't blame him. But I don't know if I could do it." Matthew said.
There was a pause after Matthew said that. Not sure if anyone knew what to say to that. No one tried to make eye contact, just looking about the room or at the floor.
*THUMP* *THUMP*
I looked over to the sound to see Jeremy hitting the coffee table. His feathered hand slightly damped the sound as he hit the table. Everyone was waiting to see what he would do. First, he pointed to the ceiling.
"Up?" Matthew asked.
Jeremy shook his head. He made an 'OK' looking sign with his hand and pointed up. We were all a bit confused, so he held one arm up and pointed below it and then back to the ceiling.
"Benji?" Nash asked.
Jeremy nodded quickly. He then drew a circle in the air, holding both hands in a pinching shape. He brought both hands together, he then pulled both apart. We were all still pretty confused about what he was trying to say. He took one hand, pulled it away, and opened it up. He held up the single pinched hand and shook it slightly.
"Jeremy, I'm sorry, dude. But I don't get what you are trying to say." Matthew said, looking over to Nash and me. "Y'all know what he's saying?"
Nash stood up and ran into the kitchen. The sounds of drawers opening and shutting echoed. Nash ran back out with a pen and sticky notes. He sat them down in front of Jeremy, and Jeremy sighed and picked them up.
"Do you know something like… sign language or something?" Matthew asked. Jeremy looked over at him and slowly shook his head. "Well, we have to figure something out for ya. I'm no good a charades, and I don't think the beak helps."
Jeremy shrugged and handed the sticky note to Nash. Nash read it and somehow looked more confused. "How did that mean this?" Nash asked sarcastically, "I don't want to sound mean, but charades isn't your strong suit."
"What was he saying?" I asked.
"Does Benji have any family involved?" Nash said, repeating what Jeremy wrote.
Matthew turned his head, rotating it sideways at the same time. "What now?"
Jeremy threw his hands up and laughed as well as he could. I couldn't help but chuckle to myself, and it seemed Nash and Matthew felt the same way. I think everyone needed a little laugh.
"I don't know, to answer your question," Nash said, trying to compose himself. "I figure he doesn't since he is able to live here. Damien handled that."
"What didn't Damien handle?" Matthew said jokingly.
"I think we'd need to take a vote or something, but someone will need to take over the stuff he did for this place," Nash said, looking for our reactions. "I can help with any financials and might even get the workplace to do it free. As long as we are still a nonprofit."
"You work?" I asked Nash.
"Something has to pay for my apartment and bills," Nash said.
"I guess I didn't think you would work with your changes," I said.
"I'll work till I can't talk or type. I've been doing it this long. A few little changes ain't stopping me now." Nash said while pointing at me. "Plus, it gives me something to do."
Matthew and Nash continued talking about managing the house. Jeremy was quiet to the conversation, as per usual. And Barclay chimed in from time to time.
I felt my phone vibrate in my bag pocket. Not even a minute later, it went off twice more. I pulled my phone from my bag pocket and checked the message.
'Dude what the duck is this" The first text read.
The following text was a photo, and I opened the picture to see a clear picture of Kole's privates. Nothing in the image looked human, instead was very pink and seemingly misshapen. I closed the image, not prepared for my long-time friend to send me a literal dick pic.
I heard a chuckling/rattling. I looked over to see Jeremy looking at me, then looking back down towards my phone.
"Did you see that?" I whispered to Jeremy.
He continued to make the sound and slowly nodded his head.
I opened my phone again and looked at the third message that came directly after the picture.
"Hey don't open that around your Mom it's a private photo"
I replied back, "Jeremy saw it. Why did you send it to me."
"It's weird when I pee it comes out on it's own" The text was followed by another "Then it shoots back in"
"TMI dude" Was all I said back.
"I know but its important" The following text read "I can not get it to stop"
"is it another change maybe?" I asked him.
"going to doctor tomorrow will let you know" He sent back.
I have an idea what is causing him issues. But I'm not sure if he would really want to hear it from me, especially after sending me that picture.
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