Laying in bed, I tried all manners of positions, trying to find some way to fall asleep. My heart was racing at the thought of what I had just done. I could still feel something in my throat.
I tried my best to get some amount of sleep. Eventually, I turned the lights out and lay on my back, staring at the black void my eyes presented me. There is nothing I wanted more than to try and sleep off what had happened tonight. Maybe it was a combination of the small amount I slept on the couch and the stress, but I felt wired and awake!
I heard a door open, then shut. It was distant, sounding like something downstairs. Shortly after, I heard an upstairs door open, then slam shut. I tried to find my phone lying on the bed, shuffled my arms around, and blindly reached for it. Upon finding the phone, I looked at the time.
"7:45 am"
I had laid in bed for hours, getting no sleep, and the whole house was now waking up. Someone had to find whatever mess I had left behind last night. Water was all over the floor, and dishes were strewn about. It was quiet for a while after, waiting to hear yells or even shouts of my name. But nothing came, just the peaceful silence that filled the night. I gave up on sleeping, climbed out of bed, and stumbled to the light switch. My only guide was the tiny slit of light under the door as I drug my feet slowly, feeling for anything on the ground.
Turning on the light, I could see my image in the mirror. I call it my image, but it didn't feel like myself. I saw a partially feathered monster staring back at me. Its movement perfectly mimics my own, but none of it seemed real. I spent the next few minutes looking over myself in the mirror. Feathers covered my legs with the classic "red" tail hanging behind me. My face had a beak with a small number of feathers filling some of the space around it, flowing down onto my neck. My eyes were yellow circles that gave no visible expressions when paired with my beak.
What would remain of me after the last changes? Sure, by this time, having been dragging the tail along for as long as I have, I would consider it part of me. What's the difference if it happened over a year versus over a few days? Would I even know I became something different, or would my mind be entirely replaced?
I had to stop myself from thinking this way. Like I was told, all I'm going to do is bring it quicker. Maybe I should look forward to the change and embrace my new self. I stood up, straightening my back while looking in the mirror. Looking at myself, I wanted my thoughts to change, but they still seemed alien. But at the same time, I couldn't fully remember what I looked like before my changes.
I coughed, feeling a tickle in my throat. My crop still felt like it contained something, perhaps even stuck inside. I massaged my crop as best as possible, which led to no change in the feeling. That paper probably talked about what to expect, but the crop, raw meat, and lack of chewing were disgusting and barbaric. But if it was going to happen, I may as well know ahead of time.
I opened the door and began walking downstairs. As I rounded the corner heard Nash and Rylie speaking in the kitchen, Rylie was visibly standing at the counter looking down. As I stepped into the living room, Rylie saw me reaching for the paper.
"There's the party fowl. It looks like you made it upstairs." Rylie said.
I nodded, the tickle in my throat causing me to adjust my neck.
"You make this mess last night?" Nash shouted from the floor.
I was about to confess to what happened before Nash continued. "Mouse set off the trap and somehow got out of it. Left a mess of blood on the ground. We should probably find it before it decomposes and stinks the place up."
"Yeah, it's probably not far then," I said, knowing full well where that mouse was at this exact moment. I had a very slight gag reflex, which I attributed to disgust. "How bad was the spill?" I asked,
"The water?" Nash asked to which I replied, "Yeah, the water was me. I uh... dropped the bowl in the dark."
"I.... it wasn't terrible. Two towels got most of it up." Nash said with hesitation. "You didn't see this mess last night?" Nash pointed to the brown and red streaks on the ground.
Internally my hand slapped my face. He never mentioned the water. I tried to think of a good reason, but Nash asked again, "Did you?"
Own it.
It WAS you.
OWN IT.
"Yeah, I saw it last night before I went to bed," I said quickly, passing the point of no return. I took a breath and prepped myself for the barrage of questions.
"Oh, ok," Nash said as he kept working on cleaning.
I waited for the questions to flow in from Nash and Rylie, but they never did. Instead, there was just silence for a while. I walked into the kitchen to see what was left and saw a white towel with reddish-brown streaks. It looked worse than I could remember last night, but I couldn't remember too much detail of what I saw, being half awake at the time.
Nash stood up from the ground, the dirty towel in his hand, "I can't wrap my head around how that little mouse made such a mess and still ran off. It should be long dead after this disaster zone."
"More like a rat if you ask me," Rylie said.
"Yeah, a rat. That's what we will go with." Nash said, looking at Rylie.
*Ding*
I pulled my phone from my shirt pocket, reading the text from my mother.
"you planning on coming to the dinner on Friday?" The text read, "I can cook your favorite :)"
I wanted to put off dinner. I hadn't seen my mother in person for over two weeks and did not want it to seem like I was ignoring her. But at the same time, I'm not super excited for her to see the new changes. I can put it off a little longer, but I don't think I can skip dinner on Friday,
Benji walked into the kitchen, his arms tight to his sides. as he walked in, his head cocked, looking at the various things on the counter. "So you all good?" He said, looking at Rylie and me.
"I'm fine. You doing alright?" She asked Benji.
"Peachy." Benji said, "Maybe a little better if I could find something to eat." He continued looking around the kitchen.
"There's probably a dead rat somewhere around. Unless it's alive and just pissed now," Nash said, throwing his towel in the trash.
"I'm good on rats, and that's probably more Lyall's taste," Benji said, leaving the kitchen.
I tried to chuckle and attempted to think of a comeback. Benji kept walking and left Nash, Rylie, and I alone again. Looking at Rylie, I could tell something was different. She could not stand still, and something about her.... seemed off. She scratched at her chest before looking over at me. She stopped when she saw I was looking.
"You sure you're fine?" I asked.
"Yeah, just getting used to something." She said, reaching to the neck of her shirt. As she scratched, I could see white feathers on the base of her neck.
I nodded in response. "I understand"
I could hear Jeremy and Benji interacting in the living room, and Benji seemed excited about something. Rylie stopped her scratching and Looked into the living room, surprised. "Jeremy?" She said, standing up straight.
I turned to look and saw Benji sitting on one of the recliners, but Jeremy looked different. His difference was easy to see through. And his head was fully feathered, and its shape resembled that of a bird more than a human. His head turned to look our way; its movement was quick and intentional. His head turned slightly as he stared our way.
His black eyes stared expressionless as he looked at us. His arms were also held to his side. Although his arms still had hands at the ends of them, he held his hands sideways as if that would be the next step in his evolution. His actions as a whole look more "bird like" than anything. Dull blue and white feathers raised and lowered slightly with his breathing.
Rylie walked over to Jeremy just as Matthew was coming down the stairs. Matthew walked past Rylie and Jeremy and greeted Nash and myself.
"Fun morning, eh?" Matthew said, opening one of the cabinets. He stopped to look at Nash, who was still cleaning himself off. "You fist fighting while we were sleeping?" He asked Nash.
"Sure looks like it," Nash said, chuckling. "You decided to sleep in late on such a fine and, well, odd day? You're missing out on all the fun."
"Well, I know what happened with Jerm, and I know what happened to myself. Am I missing anyone?" Matthew said, turning to look at me.
I shrugged in response. As I did, I felt the tickle in my throat, although it felt more like a slight gag this time. Matthew looked at me, unsure, "Ok then." He turned back to the open cabinet, digging through the contents of the cabinet.
I looked at Nash only to find he was already watching me. I opened my beak to talk but quickly closed it as I felt the immediate urge to throw up. I tried to withhold it but still made the motions, even with my beak shut. I brought both hands up to my mouth, err, beak.
"You alright, dude?" Nash said.
I felt something coming up from my crop. Unable to stop it, I ran to the sink and made it just in time. It slowly rose up my throat as it pressed against the inside of my beak. A gray cylindrical object fell from my mouth as I opened my beak. It fell into the sink, and I quickly glanced at it. It was dark in color and looked oddly fuzzy. While it was damp, it held its shape on the bottom of the sink.
"What the..." I said aloud as Nash looked into the sink next to me. He looked at the object for a moment. Then turning on the sink, the object came apart in the water. Small white bones floated in the water and separated from the gray matter. As the water dissolved the materials, I could see what they were. Fur and bones.
Nash turned his head to the living room before exclaiming, "I found where the rat went!"
Matthew walked over and looked at the sink. "What are you two on about? Oh." He said, getting a look at the bones. "Did you Jupiter that up?"
Nash grabbed my shoulder and gave it a light shake. "You shoulda just said their cooking was bad," Nash said, laughing to himself.
"I didn't... It just kind of happened," I said before Matthew interrupted.
"I'm confused. Did Lyall just spit up bones?" Matthew asked, "Did you eat a rat?"
Rylie walked in and asked, "Lyall, did you eat the rat?"
Anxious, I hesitated to answer. Without thinking, I shouted, " YES! I ate the mouse. No! It was not a rat. No! I did not want to!"
The room fell silent, other than the water in the sink running. All eyes were on me, waiting for my next move.
I walked out of the kitchen and walked upstairs. Laying in my bed with the door shut, I thought about what they said. Maybe this is the new normal for me. Perhaps I am just meant to be a feathered mouse exterminator. Was that all hawk ate? Was that all I would eat? I grabbed my phone and began searching on the internet.
"Hawk diet" I searched.
I found plenty of sites with information on what hawks usually ate. Something felt off about essentially picking my diet from the Aubdon website, though. Picking though, I found the explanation for why I threw up in the kitchen. On top of not being able to chew anything, I also can't digest everything. Leading to expelling "pellets" of inedible material. Disgusted by the ideas of that "thing", I opened a new tab and searched "Raven diet". Followed by "Falcon diet". Finding all similar details to my own.
Ravens seem to be more omnivores, but falcons such as Rylie have a similar diet to hawks. Complete carnivores.
I'm not sure what possessed me to search, but I typed in "Woodpecker diet" and found info on general woodpeckers but not many specifics. So I searched "Ivory woodpecker diet". There were not near as many results, but I opened the first result, which mentioned nuts and fruits on top of insects. Looking more at the page, I saw it had a few linked articles.
"Hope for a once extinct bird" One of the article headlines read.
"Are Ivory's back from the dead?" another said.
I opened the later article, and it had the usual history of the birds going missing, the whole gone extinct thing. But then it talked about two living birds being "discovered". Knowing full well, one of those two was Damien. Further, it spoke of the possibility of reintroducing the species and the typical fluff they usually hyped up about the future. But towards the bottom, I saw a small statement I did not expect.
"With the first clutch having just hatched, we expect to be able to begin the process of expanding the Ivory's numbers soon," It read.
Hatched? Does that make Damien a.... father? A father to a clutch of eggs laid by...
Not wanting to read any more of it, I closed the app and dropped my phone on the bed. I tried taking deep breaths to relax and maybe nap a bit, and I thought that perhaps a little sleep could help.
I heard the door open. The sound of the latch opening startled me upright. Matthew walked in and closed the door behind himself. He grabbed my desk chair and sat on the chair backward.
"Interesting things happened last night, eh?" Matthew said with his head turned. "I wouldn't fret it. Nothing you could do about it."
"I couldn't stop myself. It just kinda... happened" I said to Matthew. "I panicked, and next thing I knew it was done."
Matthew adjusted himself on the chair. "I know, we all know. It wasn't you that did it. The hawk did what it wanted to."
'But I'm the hawk, right?" I asked, "Like physically and mentally, it's me."
Matthew sighed "I couldn't tell ya, but what I'm trying to say is that you couldn't help it. It would be different if you did it on purpose. You know?"
"But what if I did it on purpose? I'm not even sure how it went down last night. It's all fuzzy," I said. "What if I wanted to do it, and I don't remember?"
"Lyall, dude, we both know you didn't mean to do it. Your body wants... different nutrition." Matthew paused, "You got into the beef strips, right? No problem if you did."
Beef. So that's what the slices of meat were; just thinking of them made me crave more. I thought about the textures, rather lack, then my mind wandered. The warm, moving flesh of the fresh.... No. I tried changing my thoughts back to the cold beef.
"Yes? I couldn't do the other stuff. It just seemed.... right?" I said quietly.
"Great, I'll make sure we have stuff like that for you. See how easy that was? You just need to tell us what's going on." Matthew exclaimed, "We are here for each other's help, not some pity party."
Matthew stood up from the chair. He stretched and scratched his tail as he nudged the chair away. "So you can hang up here for a bit, or you can come chill downstairs. Either way, lunch will be ready in a few." He said, walking towards the door. "If you need anything, we've got ya."
I smiled at Matthew as he closed the door behind himself. I continued to lay on the bed for a while. I listened to the ringing of my ears in the dead silence of my room. After what seemed like forever, I got up and walked downstairs. I walked into the living room as everything was getting sat down.
"Hey! I made up a plate for you on the counter." Rylie said as she walked past with a bowl of soup.
I walked into the kitchen to see a small plate with four slices of red meat. Reluctantly I picked up the container and walked toward the living room. I sat at the bar top next to Matthew and Jeremy. I expected stares or even comments about the contents of the plate. But not a word was said or even a glance given.
I waited to see if anyone would stare before picking up one of the strips and biting it. Pulling at it, a small chunk ripped off and stayed behind in my beak. This time it had been thawed more and was lukewarm. Not seeing any reaction, I went for another bite.
I started chatting with Matthew and Jeremy. At the moment, everything feels the same as before my recent changes. Maybe Matthew said something before I came down, and that's why no one is saying anything. It was nice to chat over lunch with Matthew and Jeremy when everything felt like it was falling apart.
Nash shouted, "I grabbed a few bags of candy in case any kinds come to the door on Halloween. Usually, the neighborhood has it on Saturday, but kinds might still come out on Monday." Nash said, sitting down with a grocery bag. "If they are brave enough to come to our door, give them a handful or something. But I don't want the same thing to happen last year."
"Nash, only two kids came up last year. We could just leave the light off," Rylie said.
"Damien scared the hell out of them when he answered the door. The least we could do was give them something." Nash laughed.
Rylie stood up from the couch and walked toward the kitchen with her empty bowl in hand. "Well, you can answer the door then, Lil red."
As she walked, I noticed that she must have removed her shirt while I was upstairs. Her body, up to her neck, was covered in white and black feathers. I wanted to ask her about it but also thought of the courtesy given to me. No questions. For now, it was probably my best course of action.
"Hey, Lyall," Matthew said. I turned to look at him. "yeah?"
"Hmmm, ok," He said before looking back at the plate in front of him.
"What's up?" I asked him.
"I'll talk to you later about it." Matthew said.
I couldn't help but be a little concerned. I felt my face, and nothing felt different. But as I felt around my head, a finger got very close to my right eye. As it got close, the sight in my right eye suddenly became out of focus partially. When I moved my hand away, it cleared up. Paying more attention to it, I blinked. When I did, it seemed.... different. Instead of a quick moment of darkness, my vision only slightly blurred, never entirely going dark.
I opened my phone's camera. Looking at myself, I touched a finger next to my eye, and instantly, a cloudy cover slid over my eye. My vision blurred at the same time and cleared once it moved away. I watched as my eyes blinked but never closed. Instead, a membrane slid quickly over them and back almost instantly.
I took a deep breath. "No sense in getting worked up about it" I thought. I locked my phone and turned to Jeremy. His complete kingfisher head turned to look at me as I spoke to him. His head moved in its quick, short movements.
He ignored my changes, and I ignored his.
I tried to converse with him, and he tried to talk back as best as he could using only physical motions. With his head entirely changed, it was even more challenging for him to express emotion. Well, other than his feathers on top of his head moving at times.
As the one-sided conversation ended, he began to preen his arm feathers using his beak. Thinking back to how he looked before this, I couldn't recall, and my mental images of him just seem to be of him with the bird's head, even partially. What did I look like before? What color were my eyes? No matter how hard I try to remember, I can't seem to remember any of the basic details.
I looked up at Jeremy "What color were your eyes?" I asked him.
"err?" He grunted.
Realizing what I had just asked the one person who could not verbally answer, I quickly said, "Nevermind"
I turned to Matthew "Hey quick question"
"Shoot," He said.
"My eyes... did I ever mention what color they were to you?" I asked.
"No, what color were they?" He said.
"I don't remembeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" I said as everything slurred. I felt like I was falling backward, forward, and backward again. I felt stable after a few dizzy moments.
I found myself standing in the living room. Talons firmly planted on the ground, wings held tight to my sides. Wondering how I made it inside and what was the quickest way out.
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